First of all, I would like to say that I’m sorry. If you’re reading this, it probably means that you’re struggling with a breakup, and you need some helpful advice from a new friend. Well, you’re in luck, because I think this advice may be helpful, and I’d love to be your friend. Obviously, I’m also navigating a breakup as you read this article, and to say the very least, the past couple of months have been extremely hard to navigate. Whatever your situation may be, just know that I’m glad you ended up here. Trying to do things for yourself in this new and scary developmental stage can be scary. Despite the overwhelming hurt and injustice you might be feeling, there is actually a blissful beauty in the way that life throws you around to change you and develop you into the person you are becoming, and you should always remember that.
Something I’ve found that is particularly interesting in this time of my life is the rediscovery of what I used to do for myself when I was in times of need. I’ve never been one to rely on anyone for my own digestion of life’s trivial pursuits, but while I was in my relationship, I’ve found that I lost that part of myself. Here is what I’ve discovered so far, that has helped me process my breakup and move through life as it has been handed to me.
- Finding Guidance Through Podcasts and Therapy
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Going to therapy may seem painfully obvious, but it can be just as helpful to seek advice and guidance from others.Therapy can help you sort through overwhelming thoughts, and it’s comforting to have someone to talk to who understands your struggles and genuinely cares about your well-being. Sometimes, friendships during this time can become abrasive due to the overwhelming nature that you still want your ex, and your friends just want you to be happy. You can share your deepest feelings of longing for your ex to your friends, and they aren’t as supportive or graceful with the returning advice. Your therapist takes the position to see all of the angles unbiasedly, and ultimately tries to help you realize your smaller goals to help you move on and live in the present.
In addition to my therapy sessions, I’ve found podcasts to be a valuable resource. The Psychology of Your 20s has been particularly fulfilling and insightful. It explores mental and cognitive functions and offers new coping strategies for life’s challenges. The advice I gained helped me take “no contact” seriously, which has immensely improved my life, and gave me the space to prioritize myself.
Another podcast I’ve been enjoying is Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard. This show provides a much-needed escape, allowing me to laugh and de-stress. One of its segments, “Armchair Anonymous,” features listeners sharing their heroic and wild stories. I often find myself laughing uncontrollably or sitting in shock at the extraordinary circumstances others have faced. Learning and laughing with others can be heartwarming, especially during tough times. - Time Alone
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Taking time alone to process and romanticize life has also become essential for me. Some days, I head to Boulder Reservoir to sit by the beach, read, write in my journal, or simply absorb my surroundings. I laugh to the sound of the geese chasing each other across the lake, I smile as the sun warms my skin, and I enjoy the gentle breeze rustling through the golden and scarlet trees.
There are countless opportunities to find peace and beauty in the little moments of life. Whether I’m walking, taking the bus, or riding my bike, I’ve learned to appreciate these instances. I often see a father pushing his sleeping daughter in a stroller, overhear joyful laughter from two people on the bus, or witness a girl feeding her dog pieces of her sandwich.
These moments remind me of the importance of spending time with yourself as you navigate the world in front of you. I’ve even become accustomed to not wearing earbuds or headphones when I go out, just to hear the beauty in the busyness of the world around me. Doing these things has been so fulfilling and uplifting when I need a break from the complex thoughts that overcrowd my brain. Walking and absorbing the full reality of the world has been rewarding, and I definitely recommend it to other obsessive thought daughters like me.
- Surround Yourself with Genuine People
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If you’ve always struggled to make friends, this journey can be emotionally draining and physically challenging. I won’t sugarcoat it: finding friends in college is not easy. If you’re facing this difficulty right now, just know that you will eventually find your place.
When I think about making friends, a few key qualities come to mind. I reflect on what I truly value in others. For instance, what would I be doing with my best friend right now? Maybe we’d go on a hike and chat for hours. Perhaps we’d grab coffee and laugh until we can’t breathe. We might go shopping, not to buy anything, but just to try things on—check the price tags, and put them back because we can’t afford them. Each of these scenarios shares a common theme: genuine connection and conversation. Ultimately it’s not about what you do together, but how you spend that time connecting with one another is really what counts.
Finding authentic friendships in a culture where substances often take priority is a unique challenge—especially when your former friends are also your ex’s friends. When I would hear of everyone hanging out, I would go just because I had no one else to be with. After a while, I knew I had to stray away from the group to distance myself from my ex, and prioritize my mental well-being. However, separation came with its own trials and tribulations.
I’ve never been one to indulge in abusing substances. Yet, when I would go out with my new-found “friends,” I would try my best to hold my own and stay true to my personal beliefs and values. I enjoy having a good time with others, but I’ve never felt the need to get to a point where I can’t remember the night before, if you catch my drift. Moreover, I’ve never been one to judge other individuals who choose that path. Having healthy boundaries while you are in these circumstances is important, especially when you’re not in a great mindset mentally.
Personally, if you try to set these boundaries with people and they discount them, you should consider staying at home and finding a new group of friends. I’ve learned this the hard way: you don’t want friends who disregard your health and well-being by disrespecting your boundaries and decisions. I experience a lot of FOMO, fear of missing out, and I don’t want to spend a Friday night at home any more than anyone else. However, I’ve come to realize that I won’t find fulfillment at the bottom of a bottle, and it can make it harder to move forward in your mental processing. I don’t have any advice on finding good, genuine friends. However, I do know that as humans, we value having deep and meaningful connections with others. When you find those people, that’s when you’ve hit the jackpot.
- Sit in the Hurt
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It’s okay to be emotional. Experiencing a breakup can feel like an emotional atomic bomb, leaving you physically drained. There will be days when all you can manage is to take a shower and then retreat back to bed. Moving on from your ex won’t happen overnight, and it’s normal to hold onto feelings for a long time. Mourning the loss of your relationship and grieving the love you once shared is essential for starting the healing process.
Take long drives, cry in your car, and sing along to Taylor Swift at the top of your lungs! Spend time alone, journal your thoughts, and write everything down: what you disliked about your ex, how they hurt you, and the feelings that arose from it all. Allow yourself to be angry, sad, confused, and hurt. Processing this anguish is crucial to healing. Rushing through your emotions or pushing them aside will only lead to a buildup that eventually explodes into an uncontrollable emotional fire.
Don’t tell yourself to avoid these feelings; instead, give yourself the grace to accept the reality of your situation. Forgive yourself during this time, as you navigate what life has thrown your way. Sometimes, making big decisions and even mistakes is necessary for moving forward. Not everyone knows how to cope with such debilitating emotional storms, and I certainly don’t have all the answers. Personally, I hate feeling sad. I’ve always been an optimistic, bubbly person, and right now, I feel like a ghost of my former self. But hey, she fits the Halloween vibe, so maybe she’s not so bad after all.
What I’m saying is, accept this for what it is. Don’t give in to obsessive, delusional thoughts; stay rooted in the reality of your life. The best thing you can do is let time heal you, and in the meantime, experience everything fully in the moment. As humans, we often fixate on the future and the possibilities it holds, forgetting to appreciate the present. Use this opportunity to mourn and truly move through the process of grief without losing yourself to intrusive thoughts. You will get through this, and everything will be okay—because let’s be honest, you’re probably way hotter than your ex anyway.
