When our friends are struggling, it’s hard to take a step back when all you want to do is help. However, sometimes intervening isn’t in their best interest—especially when they’re in a toxic relationship. Often, the best thing you can do is pause, take a breath, and patiently wait for the right moment to offer a different perspective. Think about it: there have likely been times in your life when you thought you knew what you wanted, only to change your mind later. Similarly, when friends are in toxic relationships, their desires and perceptions can become clouded. With pressure from their partner and everyone around them, it can be hard to break through.
When someone is being manipulated, they’re living in a false reality. The goal is to help your friend see the truth—not by directly confronting them, but through patience and understanding. If you’re too blunt and tell your friend outright how toxic their relationship is, their partner will likely find out and use it to isolate your friend from you. While being direct may seem effective, it could also make it easier for their toxic partner to convince your friend that they’re misunderstood, and that you’re wrong for assuming the worst. This may be hard to understand, but it is important to prevent your friend from becoming completely isolated from the outside world, and when dealing with a master manipulator, everything you do and say will be used against you. Even though you may be desperate to get your friend into a safer place, it’s crucial that you handle the situation delicately.
For starters: this is a waiting game. Don’t let your emotions get the best of you—this is not the time for impulsive decision-making. When your friend turns to you for advice or during a fragile moment with their partner, validate their feelings. Let’s say you’re out with your friend. The night is going seemingly well while you’re spending quality time together, until their partner calls repeatedly, yelling at them for going out without permission. You can see your friend becoming distressed after the first few calls, and you go to comfort them. You may be tempted to say, “This is ridiculous, they are so controlling.” However, a different approach may look something like this: “Hey, are you ok? I can overhear what they are saying to you on the phone, would you like to talk about it?”Â
Phrasing your concern for them like this opens up a sense of validation for them. Their partner may be trying to make them feel guilty, implying it is their fault for their outbursts. However, the empathetic and validating approach helps reconceptualize their feelings into something completely rational. Not only is this approach fantastic for your friends, but even for interactions with strangers. You could be out to dinner when you witness a couple on a date. One is screaming at the waiter, while the other is notably uncomfortable. When the screaming partner goes to the bathroom, you have a chance to go up to the table, and politely ask, “Are you ok?” This avoids labeling their partner, and expressing opinions, and encompasses empathy, understanding, and emotional validation.
Shifting your conversation to encompass these things can seem like a small step, but when you put it into perspective, slowly validating your friend’s feelings will provide insight into the situation, and it could create small epiphanies that lead to your friend breaking free of the trap of their toxic relationship. It is important to continue to be patient and to provide consistent, unwavering support to your friends during this time. Although you cannot rescue them from the situation, you can provide the support needed to empower them to harness their own feelings and thoughts, rather than believing that they are to blame.