Home for the Holidays

As the CU student body returns to campus, feelings of melancholy are prominent. Stress levels are now ramping up with the start of classes, meaning the freedom of winter break is being reminisced about. It’s safe to say that everyone would exchange sitting in an excruciating 8 a.m for cuddling with their dogs or visiting their favorite local coffee shops at home; however, being back at school may not be such a bad thing for some students. It may even be a relief. 

Growing up, my father and I always shared a tumultuous relationship. Weeks would pass without us sharing a word. Silence suffocated my household, meaning the only time I felt truly myself was in the classroom. Being an only child, school granted me the opportunity to finally be around people my age. I was able to express myself creatively, receive praise for my hard work and achievements, and create semi-concerning attachments to my teachers. School gave me everything my home lacked. 

College has been no different; in fact, it’s been even better. While only a half hour away from my hometown, being separated from my dad has granted me the opportunity to define myself apart from my relationship with him. I have a newfound sense of independence. I’m able to go wherever, whenever. I decide what I have for dinner and what classes I take. I no longer need to ask for permission or abide by someone else’s rules and I love it. 

This, unfortunately, makes it extremely difficult for me to return home for the holidays. The second I step back into my childhood home, I’m stripped of that independence. I immediately revert back to my angry sixteen-year-old self who hates everyone and everything – especially my father. Having grown astronomically in the past six months, this frustrates me. I’ll come home from work and see my dad has moved everything in my room and begin laughing at myself for crying over something as little as that. I’ll catch myself giving unnecessary attitude to him and question how old I am acting. I feel like I lose the maturity I’ve gained and am in a perpetual state of hormones. 

My dramaticness diminishes as soon as I’m in Boulder, though. This makes me believe the old saying is true: distance really does make the heart grow fonder. While I love my dad, I can’t be around him all the time. I surely can’t live with him – even if it is only for a month. I cherish getting a break from the never-ending stream of assignments and reuniting with my hometown friends, but being back at CU just feels healthier. I’m able to freely go about my life without my dad’s ever-present eye on me. I’m finally able to live. 

• college
• family
• love
• mental health