Because I was raised by a narcissistic parent, I’ve always known that narcissistic relationships would have a big impact on my life. However, I did not know how it would affect me later on in life when it came to my long term relationships with other people; whether that be romantic or platonic. After discovering that my last long-term romantic relationship was narcissistic, I’ve decided that I am going to have to break the bad habit I’ve cognitively made for myself.
Throughout this time of discovery, I’ve been trying to find just about every piece of valuable information to help me break this habit. I’ve listened to podcasts, consulted with my therapist, and was even given advice from psychological professionals. Despite doing all these things, I’ve found that the information never really stuck, and I knew I needed to go into a deep dive to fully understand narcissism to avoid these relationships in the future. While I was searching the web for more podcasts to listen to, I noticed that one of my favorite podcasters had conducted an interview with Ramani Durvasula, a PhD clinical psychologist who’s dedicated most of her career to studying people in narcissistic relationships. Not only has she studied narcissism, but she’s also studied victims of narcissistic abuse, and throughout her career, has written three books about narcissism and its affect on people. After listening to her brilliant takes and familiarizing myself with her well-educated background, I decided to get her book It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic Relationships. At first, I was skeptical about buying another self-help book since I haven’t been able to be fully committed to reading with my busy schedule. However, I have not been able to put it down.
Her book is insightful and provides multitudes of examples, instances, and even quotes to better understand the narcissistic and victim ideals within these relationships. This makes the book understandable, and even comical at times. Something I didn’t know I was struggling with was the fact that I felt invalidated by my feelings of my past narcissistic partner, thinking that I must have been crazy since it seemed that everybody else loved him. However, Durvasula assesses every aspect of the victim’s cognitive thoughts throughout these relationships, and does a deep dive into why it feels like you are crazy—even though in reality you are not. Since being broken up with, my past partner has tried to hurt me in multitudes of ways, which has left me feeling debilitated and broken when it comes to trying to move on. This book has helped me start the process of moving on, despite having little to no control over the situation, and has given me immense insight into my past partner’s thoughts and feelings.
Something I’ve learned from reading this book is how my past relationship with a narcissistic parent has made me more likely to get trapped in romantic narcissistic relationships. I was not more likely to get into these relationships, but someone with a past like me is more likely to cling onto hope and become trapped for extended periods of time. To me, this was surprising considering that I thought I would have been better at avoiding these types of relationships since I had years of experience to compare it to. Durvasula compares a narcissist to an addiction drug. There are enough bad days in the relationship to emotionally torment and torture you, but just enough good days sprinkled throughout that you cling to it, and become addicted. The extreme, brief highs come at the expense of the exceeding lows. This presents a type of emotional bondage and trauma that desperately clings to the other person, causing you to develop a flight or fight response to the narcissistic person’s happiness. As a people pleaser, it’s really easy for me to give into this familiar response, make excuses, blame myself, and stay in these relationships.
Something else I’ve discovered through reading Durvsula’s book is the way narcissistic personality is not unassuming to its abuser. Narcissistic people know that what they are doing is wrong enough to not show their full personality in public, but they can still tear into you in a private setting. There were plenty of times in my past relationship where I would want to pursue something for myself like joining a sorority, volunteering, or exploring a new job opportunity that would be ruined by the way my ex would manipulate me into believing that I was hurting his feelings. He would get uncontrollably jealous and upset when I would hop on opportunities that would help me make friendships or pursue my passions. There was a point where I broke up with him (for a grand total of 20 minutes) because I understood that his behavior was manipulative and toxic. However, in this moment I could also tell that he wanted to get better, and that he knew what he was doing was wrong. He came to me saying that he didn’t understand why he got so jealous and overwhelmed with emotion when I wanted to do something that was good for me. However, as Durvasula makes apparent in the book, it is highly unlikely and almost impossible for a narcissist to make any significant changes in their behavior. And by no means does me feeling bad for my past partner justify his actions. I’ve learned from this book that this is a very common way of how victims of narcissistic relationships invalidate their own feelings.
It is common for victims to invalidate their feelings in many ways, and in return, this traps the victim in these toxic relationships. This has a lot to do with the persona of the narcissist in the first place. You may be thinking, “Why did I start dating this person?” Maybe the first impression was that he was successful, charming, charismatic, and loved by everyone. Maybe your friends couldn’t stop talking about what an admirably good guy he was. Often, as Durvasula explains, this is what makes narcissism so hard to detect on the surface. This shiny, admirable, charismatic personality is just a glimmering first impression. You can never really detect a narcissist until you get too close to them, and the continued perception of this person on the surface by others can often leave people feeling crazy for thinking this person could do anything wrong. Often victims will be left feeling like they are the wrong one, thinking, “Why would I want to get out of the relationship when everybody loves this guy?” Victims will stay with the narcissist and will even experience infidelity, traumatic emotional and mental abuse, physical harm, and will even sacrifice their whole personality in hopes to keep their partners happy. Unfortunately the reality is that this will never come to fruition, and it will only get worse for the victim.
Even though narcissists should be held accountable for their actions, something that I’ve concluded while reading this book is the tragic end of a narcissist. Since narcissists believe they are perfect, it is highly unlikely that they will get any psychological help. And as I’ve stated before, it is highly unlikely that a narcissist will change their behavior, even with psychological help. In my childhood, I was raised by a narcissistic father. Due to the nature of our relationship, I finally got the courage to leave him at the age of 15. Recently, I have compared this past relationship to my most recent break-up with my ex, and I’ve had a few epiphany moments. However, despite the fact that these two individuals hurt me in similar ways, I still love them. My dad was never interested in getting help, and by rejecting that, he now lacks a personal relationship to his biological children. He lost his wife after infidelity, and he has never been able to form deep, meaningful relationships. Narcissists can never experience true love—they lack the cognitive ability to love others the way they should be loved. In my past relationship, all I ever wanted was to love my ex and make him happy. But despite my best efforts, he never felt the same. No matter how much I gave, he could never be satisfied.
The reality of this is devastating. Narcissists can cause immense emotional harm to others, but what’s even more heartbreaking is the fact that they will never truly know what it’s like to experience genuine love. It’s a tragedy that they will never have the capacity to love others, or receive love fully, and it’s a painful reminder of how distorted their emotional lives can be. Loving others is a gift, and it’s painful to think that someone’s mental wiring can prevent them from ever fully experiencing it.