Being alone can be very difficult for some people. Especially if all your life, you’ve found comfort in being around and accepted by others. That validation feels so good, which can lead us to depend on others and develop a fear of abandonment. For a long time, this is how I felt. Growing up, I had a decently sized family—six of us in total—so being alone wasn’t ever really an option. Therefore, the necessity to be around others came with me when I began my college career. I felt like a failure when I wasn’t being invited to dinners, parties, or even just study dates at the library. Thankfully, through time and some forced experiences, I’ve grown much more comfortable being alone and have learned a few tips that help make being alone a lot easier.
Tip #1 – Just because an activity is fun with people doesn’t mean it won’t be fun alone
This tip I learned when I studied abroad and felt like I was missing out on so many experiences because I was waiting for someone to do them with me. Whether that was exploring the new city I was in or simply going shopping, I so badly wanted someone to come do these things with me. However, the fact that I was in a different country with none of my friends from back home and I hadn’t made very strong friendships with the people I met there, I decided to suck it up and do some things alone.
I started by going on public transportation alone, then I started going shopping alone, then I started going to museums alone, and then I even went to the movies alone—which is something I would’ve never done before. Through these experiences, I learned that being alone doesn’t mean that you’re a failure at all. In fact, it means that you love yourself enough to enjoy your own company. I also learned that when you’re alone you don’t have to worry about the wants or needs of others, making the experience completely how you want it. All of this eventually ended with me becoming a solo traveler and traveling to fun new cities all on my own, which I am quite proud of.
Tip #2 – Distractions. Distractions. Distractions.
If you have a difficult time being alone because you hate the silence or you hate not having someone to talk to, then this next tip is definitely going to help. Basically, just go somewhere that already has distractions—the movies, a coffee shop, a bookstore, etc—or take distractions with you when you are alone—headphones for music/podcasts, a book, homework, etc—because distractions make it much easier to be alone.
Something that I find myself doing a lot when I’m alone is using the time to be productive. Even this article right now I’m writing alone in a Starbucks with my headphones blasting music. It helps so much to distract you from the fact that you are alone when your mind is occupied by something else entirely. I think that it helps me from not focusing on feeling lonely but instead makes me feel like I’m doing something quite normal. A lot of people go to coffee shops to study alone, so why can’t I? Distracting myself with a good book or an essay I have to write for class makes the event so much more bearable and then eventually, after enough times, you’ll feel comfortable with it altogether because you’ve gotten used to it.
Especially when traveling alone, distractions are your best friends. I always come prepared with a bunch of music downloaded, movies/tv shows downloaded, at least one good book, and plenty of snacks for the journey.
Tip #3 – Your friends/family/significant others/etc. are allowed to be busy
This tip might seem obvious but growing up, when people told me they were busy so they couldn’t hang out with me, this genuinely translated in my brain to “omg they hate me.” But that isn’t true, and if you find yourself thinking like that, this tip is definitely going to help you. People are busy and people have lives, especially when we grow up and gain adult responsibilities. It sucks but it’s just how life works. Your friends are gonna have things to do, so is your family, and your significant other and sometimes that means that they are not going to have the time to spend with you. It doesn’t mean they hate you, it just means that they, just like you, have a life and have a responsibility to uphold that life.
On the flip side of this, you are also going to have times when you are the one who is too busy to hang out and that is also okay. Growing up sometimes means that you aren’t gonna have all the free time in the world and I promise your friends/family/significant others aren’t going to hate you if you have to dip out on the plans once in a while. This is all a part of growing up. Of course, you shouldn’t be rude about it, or flake out at the last minute because then that is when you start being a bit of a bad person to the people in your life. Likewise, if they’re rude or are constantly canceling on you at the last minute, you might need to look into if they are a person you want in your life or not.
These are just a few tips that have helped me be more comfortable alone and I do think that when applied, they help a lot with a fear of being alone. Life goes by too fast to miss out on experiences or to be scared of people abandoning you. You should go to that concert, go to that movie, even if you don’t have anyone to go with you because it’s your life and you deserve to live it on your own time.