In November 2024, I was abruptly broken up with and it felt like my entire life was collapsing. During that almost two-year relationship, I had given everything to my partner and had become completely dependent on him to feel any love towards myself. It soon became that if he didn’t compliment me, or if I didn’t feel like I was being the most perfect girlfriend humanly possible, then I truly felt like a failure and a horrible person. It was bad, to say the least.
When he broke up with me, I didn’t know what to do. I spent days in my bed, crying, moping, and crying some more because I truly thought that he was the one. I felt like I was mourning the death of someone that hadn’t even died.
A week after the breakup, I had gone home for Thanksgiving, and it was the best thing that could’ve happened at the time. Being at home, away from the stress of college, and being with my family, truly helped me heal in a way that at the time, I didn’t think was possible. I’m very close with my family, being blessed with three siblings and incredible parents, so being able to be around them was so vital while going through the emotions of having my heart broken. Spending time with the peopleI know are going to always love me, no matter what, helped a great deal.
Thankfully, winter break came almost as soon as Thanksgiving break ended, so I was completely distracted for almost two entire months after the breakup. Things were still hard and I knew that I hadn’t dealt with my emotions at all yet, but things were also looking up and I truly have my family to thank for that. I also have to thank one of my coworkers for helping me realize something that had become key to my healing process.
When I told her about my breakup and how sad I was, she asked me to seriously tell her what I was losing. I started giving her the whole spiel about how he could’ve been my soulmate, and it felt like I was losing the love of my life, but she promptly stopped me and said, “No, what are you for sure losing?”
I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t think of anything that I was seriously losing with the end of this relationship. I had loved my ex so much, but at the end of the day, I’ll never know if he was the one true love of my life. For all I know, I could have dodged a major bullet. Hearing that from her didn’t immediately make me happy and okay, but I do believe that hearing that was the first step I needed.
I knew that going back to school after winter break would be difficult since I wouldn’t be surrounded by people 24/7 like I was at home — and I was right. I was smart and had gotten rid of almost every single memento that I had from the relationship the same weekend that the breakup happened, but there was still something in the air that gave me a pit in my stomach every time I was in my room. The tiniest things reminded me of my ex and worse of all, they also made me feel less than. If he didn’t want me, then I was clearly the issue.
Books have always been a form of escapism for me since I was young. Unfortunately, my favorite book that usually brought me comfort didn’t anymore because I had recently read it to my ex. So I began searching for new books to read that could maybe help distract me from the situation. Mindlessly, I decided to read Drew Afualo’s memoir, Loud: Accept Nothing Less Than The Life You Deserve. I picked it up because I had been a fan of Afualo for a few years now and I knew that it would probably be a nice comedic read. Little did I know that this book was going to help me completely change my mindset and perspective on the breakup.
Afualo, who is known to call out bigoted men on her TikTok page, opened my eyes with her book, especially in the sections that talk about romantic relationships and how you need to put you and your emotions first. I know this isn’t rocket science or anything revolutionary, but as someone who is a hopeless romantic that has always given 110% in every relationship I’ve ever been in, it did begin to make me look at things differently.
I’ve never been the most confident person in the room. I know that I’m not the most drop dead gorgeous person on the planet and I know that I’m a bit on the weirder side — having many “nerdy” hobbies/hyperfixations — but that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t love myself. Afualo also talks about how it’s okay to be confident in who you are, despite what society tries to tell us.
After reading that, I decided to sit down and list out things that I should be proud of: I’m smart, I got a full-ride scholarship to college and will get my BA completely debt free; I’m kind, I always think of others before me and have a caretaker nature that makes me a really good person to have around; I’m pretty, people always ask me about my makeup routine and I’m always told by other beautiful women that I’m also beautiful; I’m interesting, those nerdy interests actually make me a very fun person to be around because I know so much about a variety of things; I’m a pretty good sister (you can ask my siblings they’ll agree); I’m a daughter that my parents are proud of; I’m an amazing girlfriend, and one day, I’m going to find someone that treats me just as well as I treat them.”
Of course, I don’t think I’m perfect by any means. I do have flaws and I do have things about myself that I need to work on. But I’m not a failure and if I were to meet myself, I’d probably want to be friends with myself. It’s super important to not tie your self-value to anything, especially not to another person. I’m so thankful for the growth that I’ve already experienced between November and now. In Afualo’s book, she has this incredible line that says, “Remember: nothing scares a man more than a woman who knows she does not need him.”
There was a time when I needed my ex for so many things that should’ve been coming from within me.
I know that I still have a long way to go, and a lot more healing to do, but I’m proud of what I’ve already been able to accomplish. There is truly no better feeling than looking into the mirror and not only liking what I see, but loving it — both internally and externally. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being confident and proud of who you are. Always remember that the person that is right for you will never ever make you feel lesser or be intimidated by your confidence, they will only uplift you.
