After leaving a committed relationship with someone I considered my first love, I began a healing journey in which my presumed intent was navigating how to cope with the toxic nature of the relationship, and what it took from me as a result. Turns out, recognizing that the relationship was toxic was only a manifestation of many other things that had happened in my life which I needed to heal from as well.
When you decide to seriously share your mind, body, and spirit with someone that you think is your forever, you learn a lot about yourself. You learn about the ways that you love and the ways you want to receive love, but you also learn to understand the experiences that made you want to experience and share love in that way in the first place.
When I left my unhealthy relationship and as I was grieving the loss, I had to dig deeper within myself. I needed to try to understand what made me feel like unhealthy love was something I deserved at that point in my life, and why it’s not what I wanted for myself moving forward. As I progressed through my breakup, it was hard for me everyday. Since I had decided that my relationship and what I was experiencing was unhealthy, my healing jounrey invloved making an active choice everyday to uphold that choice, and it took tremendous amounts of strength from me. I knew I was ready, compared to my failed attempts before, because I was tapping into a certain strength that allowed me to understand what future me looked like, and the type of love she received.
It took me trusting and listening to my innate response to show me that I wasn’t being cared for properly. It nurtured a space to give life to the strength I needed to keep moving forward, and to not go back. This strength came from me knowing that deep down, I deserved more, and that staying where I was wouldn’t allow me to experience the affection that I deserved. Man, it was hard for me to not reach out to my ex, but here is what has worked for me over the last six months.
Go Cold Turkey:
Start by deleting them on everything. Delete their number, block their number, and remove evrey trace of them on social media, whatever works for you. You’ve probably heard this one a lot, and that’s because it’s true. You might learn the hard way (like me), but you’ll understand once you get there. Since social media was also a significant aspect in my relationship specifically (and something that is evermore present with the growing normalcy of technology and the internet), blocking them was definitely a step in the right direction.
It can also be your first baby step in letting things go, like letting go of knowing what they’re up to, or keeping track of who they’re following, etc.. Plus, social media is often B.S. anyway. I was still serving looks when I was going through my breakup—you may have thought I was living my best life—but it’s more likely that I cried right before taking the picture. Especially when emotions are so heightened and you aren’t speaking to that person, everything can look like something it’s not, so it’s best to just steer clear.
Pick Up Something New/Work on Yourself:
Honestly, I used to plow my way through “how to get through heartbreak” articles, and they always said something like “distract yourself, do something new”.I was always like Blah blah blah this doesn’t work! However, it’s one of those things where day by day everything seems the same, but when you look back it’s all different. I like to keep myself busy naturally, so having a very intense course load was a good way to try and distract me from this breakup (although that wasn’t the original intent). Often, I did just end up crying about all the work I had to do and about my ex, but it still worked for me in some ways. Keeping busy with school also helped me to understand my love for academia.
I also took a dance class that helped connect me to my roots, and I know helps me heal.I started putting mad energy into the gym and journaling more. If you need some journal prompt inspiration the “Self Love” edition of We’re Not Really Strangers is pretty helpful, and they have other editions as well. What I’ve discovered about the whole “find a new hobby” trope was that it helps you heal by drawing you to things that are a part of who you are outside of your relationship. It can make you revisit parts of yourself you had stopped giving attention to, and whether you have neglected them. In addition, be an opportunist when it comes to experiences that can take you out of the environment you’re used to, like taking a study abroad or global intensive class, or going on a family trip.
Practice Wellness/Start Going to the Gym
I had a lot of different energies going through my body as I progressed through my breakup, and using the gym as a distraction really helped. First things first, getting in tune with your body is very transformative and can really give you some positive moments during a time of grief. But during times when I was just upset and I couldn’t voice my thoughts outloud, going to the gym and working off those negative energies felt pretty good.
Plus,after some time, you start to see results and you’re like They left this? *flex* Look at me, *flexes again* I look good. Going to the gym and learning more about fitness overall made me feel very confident, and even if you go in not knowing what you’re doing, after a while it feels so familiar. Personally, it can act as a big confidence boost. Especially since going through a breakup can bring up many insecurities, it’s nice to have a space where you can “win”.
Friends,Family, and Community
Although I have always struggled with feeling like I have a support system,as I look back on my journey thus far, a lot of my growth wouldn’t have been possible without my village. Aside from family and friends, you can also receive energy from communities that you trust and that have positive experiences with. For example, my dance class was a good energy source outside of friends and family for me. I also benefited from the nights that my best friend or big sister listened to me breakdown. Giving me the space to just fall apart and feel safe doing so is…more than gold.
Give Yourself Grace
Healing is hard, and it’s definitely not linear. By month four, I realized that I wasn’t crying everyday, and I felt like I was finally beginning to move on. At month six, when I found myself crying because something that really used to hurt me still does, but I realized that that’s okay. I’d come so far, and progress doesn’t happen overnight—but it does get easier with time.
Remember to give yourself grace. It’s easier said than done, but allow yourself to feel, to grieve, and to cry, because the only way out is in. I am learning more and more as I progress through my journey. Who knows, maybe I’ll give you the one year update. Until then, remember that you haven’t met all of the people that are supposed to love you yet, and you haven’t met all of yourself yet either.