The question of ‘what if’ is something that everyone asks themselves: what if I went to a different college? What if I didn’t quit that sport when I was younger? What if I told my crush I liked him in middle school?
It’s a curiosity, but it’s usually not something that people dwell on for long—more like a bittersweet thought before getting pulled back into their current reality.
For me, this question feels a bit more personal since I feel like it encapsulates my life. My entire being is a ‘what if’ question.
I was adopted from China while the one-child policy was still in effect. This led thousands of families to give up their newborn children, often girls, since boys were able to carry on the family name. I obviously came into this world somehow, but so many things are unknown: birthday, birthplace, biological parents.
For the longest time, I always believed that the reason I was given up for adoption was because of the one-child policy. It was the most explainable and the easiest answer to conclude. As I grew older, that question of ‘what if’ dawned on me. What if it wasn’t the one-child policy? What if I was somehow forcibly taken, or worse, what if they just simply didn’t want me?
I specifically remember one night during high school when my entire family was out of the house, and I went to our storage where my mom had everything from my adoption: the emails, plane tickets, pictures, all of it. Even though there were no hospital photos or smiling pictures of my mom when I was born, it was definitely clear that I was wanted and I was loved. It made me feel even more guilty that I couldn’t stop thinking about my past and what it would’ve been like had any large life detail been different.
It’s not like I wanted anything to be different. I loved my family and my friends and embraced all the opportunities in my life as best as I could. Still, if you gave me a few moments to myself to think, the ‘what if’ question would pop up more often than not.
The question originally stemmed from adoption, but then began to completely overtake my life. I started believing that I was a burden in every relationship I had with my family, friends, and even random acquaintances. Every single decision I made, no matter how “good” life was, was immediately questioned. The ‘what if’ turned into a self-destruction, where I believed that nothing I did was ever enough.
Something that always fed this destruction was adoption jokes. In middle school, it was brought up when you did something stupid or dumb: “You’re definitely adopted.” In high school, it would be a comparison to their siblings or parents: “Do you see how I don’t look like my parents? I seriously think I’m adopted.” Finally, in college, the adopted jokes came in complaints: “They’re acting like I was adopted or something.”
This is something I’ve never let affect me outwardly when I’m with people, but I can’t say that I don’t internalize it. There’s never any positive spin on being adopted, unless it’s the “at least you were wanted” joke, which still insinuates that at some point, you were unwanted.
It was a constant fight against myself: part of me not wanting to believe the words I was telling myself, and the other part thinking those words were true.
These thoughts plagued my mind throughout middle and high school, where I had become so used to self-deprecation that it was normal. It just became a fact in my head that I wasn’t good enough, no matter how many people told me differently. It had become a somewhat comfortable feeling, which was easily the most worrying part looking back.
I didn’t want to be sad, obviously. I didn’t want to think negatively about myself, and I wish that my past self was able to push past all the unneeded comments and rather focus on all the love in my life. I’ve been so grateful for a loving family and having friendships with people since I was in grade school. Not to quote Taylor Swift, but this has always been an “Anti-Hero” situation: “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me.”
So how have I solved this problem, this “what if” crisis? How have I settled these emotions with myself and become the happiest version of myself?
Well, that’s a work in progress.
The ‘what if’ will probably always stay with me; it’s a certain type of grief that will never go away. It’s about managing the question within myself and making sure there’s a healthy and curious space for it to stay instead of immediately turning detrimental.
I can say I’m much more self-aware about this problem than I was in high school. I’ve learned how unhealthy it is to be comfortable being sad, and the side of my thoughts that I’m loved and wanted is finally starting to pull through. Talking to someone completely uninvolved in my life has been helpful too; if they’re able to tell me all these great things about myself without even knowing me, then it has to be true to some capacity, right?
Utilizing my interests and hobbies has helped guide me through life. Whether it be finding my creative outlet through writing or music, sending a new rock climbing problem or simply hammocking during a warm day, it has made me proud of how I’ve created my life; it constantly gives me things to continuously work on in the future and anticipate the best.
Finally, having a strong community of people in my life has always been my backbone. I can’t imagine what life would be like if I couldn’t FaceTime my best friend from kindergarten every other day to talk about school, boys, and our daily outfits. I can’t imagine what life would be like if I couldn’t go home to my parents and play a casual game of GeoGuessr, catching up on life. I can’t imagine what life would be like if I couldn’t meet up with my sister and cousin, getting sushi at our usual place when we’re all home. My mentors, professors, acquaintances, family and friends have shaped me into who I am today.
Now it’s up to me to give up the ‘what if,’ and focus on the ‘what’s next.’ Life is too beautiful not to.