I have a codependent relationship with burnout. For as long as I can remember, I have either been in a state of burning myself out or recovering from burnout. But this semester, I am making active efforts to minimize the damage of my perfectionistic tendencies. Though completely avoiding burnout feels out of reach, I hope to start breaking this cycle and healing my toxic relationship with academics.
Returning to Organization
Throughout the entirety of my primary and secondary education, I was obsessively organized. I began color-coding my folders in first grade and by high school, everything in my life was color-coded, from my closet to my planner. My calendar was always up to date, my email inbox was always empty, and every assignment was completed at least two days before it was due. Something shifted when I got to college: I still was obsessive about my grades, but my organizational habits seemed to fade. I experienced intense burnout after my senior year of high school, and I didn’t have time to recover before starting college. I was so exhausted, and something had to give. I stopped consistently updating my calendar, my inbox was constantly full, and I started procrastinating for the first time in my life. It felt like I lost control and I could never gain it back. I wasn’t completely disorganized, but the organization I lost negatively impacted my quality of life. This semester, I am focusing on keeping my planner organized, my calendar up to date, and my inbox low. I am letting go of the belief that my organization has to be perfect to be beneficial, and I am reclaiming my new organizational practice.
Redefining Self-Care
Before college, I hardly did anything that could be considered self-care. Every day was jam-packed and too much of my energy went into making everyone else around me happy. When I burnt out before college, I lost a lot of my academic motivation, along with my motivation to do most of the things that made me happy. I procrastinated on necessary tasks and assignments and whenever I found myself watching a TV show or playing a game on my phone, I became flooded with anxiety about everything that I wasn’t doing. I didn’t prioritize self-care; I distracted myself, fueled my procrastination, and I wasn’t able to let go of my anxiety whether I was being “productive” or not. Relaxation felt impossible. I’ve slipped in and out of this pattern over the past few years, and I highly doubt I will be immune to it any time soon, but I’ve become aware of it and I am actively working on redefining self-care for myself.
My new definition of self-care includes:
- Rock climbing consistently and prioritizing physical activity and daily movement
- Surrounding myself with people who are good for me and spending quality time with them
- Prioritizing my hobbies and being intentional about how I am spending my time
This semester, I intend to set time aside consistently for what I am calling “intentional self-care.” I decided to actively reset this summer in preparation for the semester. Instead of trying to find an internship or taking summer classes, I worked at a rock climbing gym and spent most of my summer outdoors with my partner. Once I got back on campus, I couldn’t help but feel like I fell behind. Most of my peers spent their summers doing internships related to their future careers or taking advantage of other academic and career opportunities. However, I reminded myself that I made this choice intentionally, and it was the right decision for me. I desperately needed to reset and pause my chronic cycle of burnout, so I did.
The end of summer was sad and honestly scary. I gained a strong handle on my mental health and well-being, but I feared this wouldn’t last once the semester started. The truth is, this fear has not completely subsided, but I feel more equipped than ever to tackle the difficult balancing act between academic success and intentional self-care.
Learning to Let Go
Through 15 years of overachieving in school, I have learned the importance of working smarter, not harder. I hate to admit it, but school is a game—it’s a strategy. It is impossible to give 100% to every assignment, and striving for academic perfection only results in disappointment. This hasn’t stopped me in the past, and realistically, I know that I will continue to struggle with perfectionism and obsess over my grades. However, I feel empowered to take big steps this semester to break out of this mindset and start healing my relationship with achievement and academics.
When I was abroad last semester, all of my classes were pass/fail. I was in a full Spanish immersion program and attended a private university in the Dominican Republic. My perception of grades was flipped on its head and for the first time in my life, learning became more important than grades. I experienced the joy of learning outside of getting straight A’s, and my love of learning reignited. It would be naive to believe that one semester could completely alter my relationship with learning and achievement, but my mindset finally shifted, and I plan to carry that with me.
I am enrolled in six classes this semester, two of which I do not want to be in. Though they don’t feel applicable and are not interesting to me, they are required for my degree. These classes will impact my GPA just as much as the classes that feel relevant and I am excited about, but I am choosing to focus on the value of my classes beyond the grades I receive. I am putting more time and attention into the classes that feel worthwhile to me, and I am starting to let go of the internal pressure to strive for perfect grades, especially in classes I value less.
In order to practice my new definition of self-care, I have accepted that something has to give. But unlike my first semester of college, I am choosing what to let go of. I am prioritizing my overall well-being and quality of life over maintaining the academic perfectionism that has overpowered me for most of my life. I am still in the thick of figuring it out and the journey will not be linear, but I’ve come a long way from the 16-year-old girl who had a panic attack when her grade dropped to an A- in AP US History.