One of the things I’ve become most proud of after arriving at college has been learning to break free from my overwhelming urge to please others. For the longest time, being upfront and honest about my feelings instead of pretending that everything was fine seemed like a death sentence. I knew that I needed to set boundaries with the people around me, but I had to overcome such a huge hill to even get the words out of my mouth. I figured that it was better for me to suffer in silence than to risk the chances of burdening someone else.
In my first semester as a first-year student, I truly lived the “roommate from hell” story. From using my stuff without permission to inviting random men who made me feel genuinely unsafe into our room, I became more and more uncomfortable, and eventually my dorm room became merely a place to sleep, and only for a few nights out of the week at that. I endured this for two months, avoiding communicating any of these things to my roommate, until one night I was in my best friend’s dorm as everyone around me was cheering me on to press “submit” on the roommate change request form. I wouldn’t call this my moment of clarity–the moment where I gave up people-pleasing for good and became a stone-cold bitch–because that definitely isn’t true. I still do my best to be kind to others, but I’ve begun to differentiate being “mean” from setting boundaries for myself.
I think the problem is that women, and people once socialized as women, are taught to always be kind and compassionate to others. However, they are never taught the distinction between practicing compassion healthily and going so far with it that they’re actively harming themselves, sometimes to the point of putting themselves in danger. Setting boundaries, or saying “no,” has become heavily discouraged, and labeled as an act of malevolence rather than the healthy and beneficial practice that it truly is.
Alas, the people-pleasing epidemic is upon us. To this day, I still find myself wanting to justify my refutations– like telling a friend that I can’t hang out because I’m taking my imaginary dog to the vet, or telling a guy who’s trying to make advances toward me that I want to stop, but only because my stomach hurts or because I’m too tired. I’ve had a hard time letting “no” be the end of a sentence. As women and female-presenting individuals, we need to stop telling ourselves that other people’s feelings take priority over our own well-being, including our safety and our wants and needs at a specific moment in time. Simply put, “no” is a valid (and encouraged) way to end a sentence.
Despite my own reflection on my toxic people-pleasing tendencies, there are so many others who fail to recognize their own unhealthy habits. I always tell friends of mine who are struggling with this that its okay to be a bitch, but now, I rescind that statement, because healthy communication doesn’t make you a bitch, and labeling women as bitches is the patriarchy’s way of diminishing womens’ rights to be assertive and independent. So, I’ll try that again: it’s ok to be assertive, independent and make the choices that are right for you, even if it may momentarily bruise someone’s ego.