We’re all losers. Or at least, we seem to think we are.
You would think that I, as a college student, would treat parties as a way to decompress — as a glorious one-night break from the endless toil of school. But, no: I spend most of my time at parties studying. I watch other people. I notice how they laugh, what jokes get the best responses, and who seems to be the most noticed. I study what the labels say on the cans and bottles people are holding, and which drinking games seem to be the most popular, and how everyone else seems to be at ease, and having a fabulous time, while I worry endlessly about how awkward I must look.
I also study myself at parties. I over-analyze what I’m doing, what I’m not doing, what I’m saying, how I’m standing, what I’m drinking, if I’m fitting in…And how I seem to be the only puzzle piece that comes from a different set, and can’t quite snap into the party tableau around me the way everyone else seems effortlessly able to.
It’s easy to imagine myself as the only one who has ever felt this way. I had all but convinced myself I was alone in this, until, at a party a few months ago, a girl in a big green hoodie came up to me and said, not in so many words, while smiling sheepishly, “I feel like an outsider here.”
Just a few weeks after that, one of my closest friends sent a message in our friend group’s groupchat:
“I’m having such a hard time recently not being quiet at social outings where my comfort ppl aren’t there, and I’m getting so frustrated about it.”
“I feel like that all the time,” I responded.
“Yes yes I so relate too,” added another friend.
These two interactions left me with a sneaking suspicion — one that felt comforting to consider — that I may be less alone in these feelings than I initially thought.
I took to Google Forms to test this theory, and found some results I think are worth sharing, especially for anyone who has ever felt like the only one out of place at a party or social gathering.
I compiled 11 total questions in this survey relating to self-perception, social perception, and the concept of “fitting in” at parties or social gatherings, and made the link public to anyone attending CU, attending another college, or going to parties as a young person. Each question posed could be responded to on a scale from “strongly disagree” to “strongly agree.” The results were surprising, comforting, and a little bit ironic.
I feel self-conscious at most parties/social gatherings
Strongly disagree 0%
Disagree 4.3%
Neutral 13%
Agree 47.8%
Strongly agree 34.8%
I feel I don’t fit it at most parties/social gatherings
Strongly disagree 4.3%
Disagree 8.7%
Neutral 13%
Agree 47.8%
Strongly agree 26.1%
I feel I can only be fun/interesting around people I’m already comfortable with or already know well
Strongly disagree 0%
Disagree 17.4%
Neutral 13%
Agree 43.5%
Strongly agree 26.1%
I wish I were more charismatic
Strongly disagree 0%
Disagree 13%
Neutral 13%
Agree 39.1%
Strongly agree 34.8%
I feel I come off as awkward or boring at parties or social gatherings
Strongly disagree 0%
Disagree 13%
Neutral 26.1%
Agree 30.4%
Strongly agree 30.4%
I rely on alcohol or other substances to make parties or social gatherings easier
Strongly disagree 26.1%
Disagree 26.1%
Neutral 13%
Agree 21.7%
Strongly agree 13%
It seems like everyone else fits in better than I do at parties/social gatherings
Strongly disagree 0%
Disagree 9.1%
Neutral 18.2%
Agree 54.5%
Strongly agree 18.2%
I pay as close of attention to the actions of others at parties/social gatherings as I do my own
Strongly disagree 17.4%
Disagree 26.1%
Neutral 17.4%
Agree 21.7%
Strongly agree 17.4%
I’m afraid to be myself at parties/social gatherings for fear of judgement
Strongly disagree 8.7%
Disagree 17.4%
Neutral 39.1%
Agree 30.4%
Strongly agree 4.3%
Generally, I’m harder on myself than I am on others
Strongly disagree 4.3%
Disagree 4.3%
Neutral 0%
Agree 39.1%
Strongly agree 52.2%
I often feel alone in these experiences
Strongly disagree 8.7%
Disagree 4.3%
Neutral 21.7%
Agree 47.8%
Strongly agree 13%
To break all this data down a little: Over 60% of respondents reported feeling self-conscious at a social gathering, over 70% said they feel they don’t fit in at social gatherings, almost 70% reported feeling like they only come off as interesting or fun around people they’re already comfortable with, and over 70% said they wish they came off as more charismatic.
Over 60% responded that they perceive themselves as being awkward or boring at parties, and ~35% said they rely on alcohol or other substances to make these experiences easier. 43% of respondents said they don’t pay as much attention to others at a party as they do themselves, and 17% were neutral. (So, overall, others are paying far more attention to their own perceived awkwardness than they are to yours, or aren’t paying attention to those things at all!) On this note, a whopping 91% of respondents said they’re harder on themselves than they are on others, and ~35% said they feel nervous to be themselves at social gatherings for fear of judgement.
And, get this: over 70% said they feel as if everyone else fits in better than they do at parties or social gatherings, and over 60% said they feel alone in these feelings and experiences.
The main takeaway? It looks like a lot of us are feeling alone together.
If you, like me, often experience these types of feelings at parties and social gatherings, I hope my personal experiences, and this data, have helped you feel a bit less isolated.
I know I’ll be thinking back to these results the next time I’m at a party, and am feeling like a clown fish in a sea of angelfish. I might even take the brave lead of the girl in the big green sweater, and say out loud what most of us are thinking: “I feel like I don’t really fit in here–do you feel that way, too?”