We’ve all heard the cliche: “You can’t love anyone before you love yourself.” Although it sounds silly, I believe there is a lot of truth in that statement. It is really important to spend time developing all types of relationships in your life, from platonic to romantic,but are you developing your relationship with yourself? How do you even begin to work on this vital relationship? This can be achieved through a little concept called self-love.
Science proves that practicing self-love is a vital part of one’s happiness and health. As Dennis Relojo-Howell puts it, “Research has shown that self-love is associated with increased activity in the prefrontal cortex [of the brain], which is responsible for self-awareness and self-control. Self-love is also associated with decreased activity in the amygdala, which is responsible for processing negative emotions such as fear and anxiety.” Because of this, self-positivity bias (the scientific term for self-love) has been found to have a substantial benefit in many areas of life, including better mental health, more motivation, less anxiety, and better sleep.
Regardless of these facts, it can be difficult to practice self-love. In a world full of comparison, competition, and overall negativity, it can be easy to look at ourselves and criticize what we see. This is why self-love is something that must be practiced! If we wanted to perfect a skill, like shooting a basketball, we’d be told to go to a court and run drills over and over again. The same goes for self-love. If we want to change our mindset about ourselves, we need to practice self-love over and over until it becomes second nature.
Practicing a sport or other palpable skills is pretty straightforward, but how do we practice something less tangible, like this concept? First off, it’s important to remember that self-love looks different for each individual. I recommend taking a moment to reflect on yourself and what makes you happy. Do you like handwritten letters? Write a letter to yourself describing all of the things that make you, you. Are you someone who needs to hear something to believe it? Look in a mirror each morning and name five things you celebrate and appreciate about yourself out loud. There are lots of great resources out there exploring this topic, each offering a unique approach and different ways to go about self-love. After your time of self-reflection, research and try out different activities to find the self-love practice that works best for you!
For me, self-love has developed into a slight shift in my mindset and my lifestyle: dating myself. It may sound silly, but I absolutely believe that taking time out of my life to treat myself the way I want to be treated in a relationship and to develop who I am is the ultimate act of self-love. In high school and my freshman year of college, I hated being by myself. I always needed someone to eat a meal with, and if none of my friends were available or wanted to go to an event or activity with me, I simply wouldn’t go. After years of this way of thinking, I realized that I was holding myself back from great experiences or nourishing alone time because I thought being by myself made me appear (and feel) lonely. But, why would I ever want to rely on other people to give me self-worth or to dictate how I spend my time? Slowly, I tried to go into the city more on my own and eat when I wanted to eat, not when my friends were free. It turns out, I didn’t feel lonely – I felt liberated. I was becoming more comfortable in my own skin and more determined to do what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. I wasn’t limiting myself to my friends’ schedules or to how they wanted to spend their Saturday. I was exploring my interests and crossing things off of my D.C. bucket list. Most importantly, I was reminding myself that I am capable of making myself happy.
Dating yourself is a lot easier than it sounds. Personally, I try to take time out of my week and spend it by myself doing something I love. This looks different week to week and is totally dependent on my schedule and workload. But, no matter how much I have going on, I try to prioritize spending at least a little bit of time to be intentionally by myself. These aren’t just the moments when I wake up or right before I go to sleep, when being by myself is a given. Rather, these are moments when I choose to spend time with myself. From grabbing dinner after work by myself to going on a solo adventure into the city, I always come out of these small or big activities feeling rejuvenated, relaxed, and self-fulfilled.
Here are some of my favorite self-dates I’ve done while in college in D.C.:
- Sitting at a cafe with a new book and a fun drink
- Listening to music and exploring a Smithsonian museum
- Grabbing dinner and seeing a live performance
- Relaxing on the National Mall on a nice, sunny day
- Trying a new restaurant I’ve been interested in
I can understand that some of these activities may seem daunting, so if you’re interested in giving dating yourself a try, I recommend starting wherever you feel the most comfortable. Is it eating in your University dining hall by yourself? Going on a 15-minute walk around campus? Getting takeout and enjoying it in your dorm room? There is NO wrong way to date yourself! The most important thing to remember is that, ultimately, dating yourself means spending time with yourself doing things that you love or want to do. I truly believe anyone can do it! And so, I challenge you this week to spend some intentional time with yourself. It may seem weird, or you may think you look lame, but it is so important to spend time getting to know yourself in the way that you would with another person. And, who knows? Perhaps you’ll discover that you are a really fun person to spend your time with.