I was really fortunate growing up. The only funeral I had been to was for a very distant aunt, and when I’d tell people that all four of my grandparents were still living in middle or high school, it was usually met with “wow, you’re so lucky!” Although I had my troubles growing up, it’s safe to say that I had no experience in grief until this January, when my grandfather died.
No one teaches you how to deal with grief, especially when you are away at college. As a kid, everyone expects you to be sad and confused when someone dies. You’re supposed to cry to your parents and ask questions about death and in a way that only kids can. You get held and told that “everything will be okay” and “he’s in a better place.” But when you hit a certain age, you’re expected to not need the coddling and soothing as much. You’re allowed to cry, but only for a little, and then it’s time to get back to the busyness of life. You’re hit with all the same feelings as you would if you were a kid, but you get no time to process your grief. Grief, as experienced in college, forces you to move on quicker than you might want or need to.
This is how I felt in January. My grandfather passed away very suddenly the day before classes started for the second semester of my sophomore year. Thankfully, my classes were online, so I was able to buy a train ticket and leave campus six days after I officially moved in. I was home for ten days, during which I attended the funeral and spent many many hours with my family. Then, almost as quickly as I had come, I found myself on a train heading back to college. I was then expected to jump back into my normal routine as if nothing had happened.
I really struggled with this. At the time of my grandfather’s death, I was the only family member not in Pennsylvania – all of my other cousins were still on Christmas break. I was the only one who had to travel back home, the only one who had to go to classes virtually and do homework during the week of the funeral, and the only one who had to go back and restart my semester. And it sucked.
No one teaches you how to deal with grief in college. No one prepares you for the guilt you feel for missing classes and the fear of being behind once you return. No one warns you that you’ll second guess yourself and think you’re overreacting and taking too much time off from school. You’ll tell yourself “it’s not like it’s my mom who died or anything – I don’t need 10 days off.” No one tells you that it’s okay to slack on your work when you get back because you just had a death in the family and that’s hard to deal with. No one tells you any of this. Why? Because believe it or not, you’re an adult now. And adults aren’t allowed to deal with grief. They have jobs and responsibilities to get back to – there’s no time to wallow and be sad. The funeral is done, and so is your time to grieve. Time to get back to it!
College students, I’m here to tell you that it’s okay to grieve. We live in a world where grades are everything and handing in something late or poorly completed l is an embarrassment to our education. But there are times when things come before the “A” on your paper or your attendance grade in that class. Death is hard to deal with, no matter your age. You are not a machine that can process things and move on – you are a person. If something happens, put yourself and your mental health first. Allow yourself time to spend with family and friends, recognize every emotion you feel, and give yourself time to feel it.
Grief is never easy, but it becomes worse if you push it down and away. Feel your feelings, and then get back to life when you’re ready.