Fictional Men vs Me

In life and in general, there are only a handful of men that I’ve met whom I trust. Today I will be talking about fictional men that I love and trust vs fictional men whom I would personally deliver a grade A butt-kicking to. Keep reading to find out (in no particular order) if your fictional man is safe or if you’ll be needing to attend to a black eye. TW: W*ll Schuester

1) Bob Belcher (Bob’s Burgers) – For You, I Would Go Back for Seconds of Thanksgiving Dinner

If you have ever watched an episode of Bob’s Burgers this answer should be completely understandable, but for those of you who have yet to see him in action, here is why I like Bob. He is a great father to all three of his children despite how horrible they are at working and frequently sacrifices for them. Despite being a good dad, Bob is also incredibly accepting, being friends with pretty much everyone in town except Jimmy (he’d get beat up by me) and Edith. Finally, his passion for food is absolutely incredible and though it can make him a little crazy, he just wants people to appreciate food as much as he does. 

2) Ross Geller (Friends) – Square Up Dino Nerd

I should not even have to explain this one because even if you have never watched Friends, the phrase “we were on a break” will strike a nerve in you. Immediately sleeping with someone after breaking up with the girl he has supposedly had a crush on for years just cannot sit right with me. Then he lets that define the rest of their relationship as if that is not something that a person should be worried about. He also attempted to kiss Rachel in her sleep when they were teenagers, I say attempted because for those of you who didn’t know, it was actually his sister Monica he kissed that night (Sweet Home Alabama). My final 2 punch combo on Ross would be delivered for Emma, the woman he was getting married to when he instead said Rachel’s name, and Carol his ex-wife’s wife who clearly makes her happier than Ross did. I understand being bitter that your wife divorced you and got remarried if you loved her, but here’s the thing Ross, you’re in love with Rachel so you hating Carol just reeks of you being a little more than slightly homophobic. Ross Geller may have several feet of height on me but I have the power of lesbians on my side so you’re definitely going down dino man.

3) Mr. Iglesias (Mr. Iglesias) – My 2nd Favorite History Teacher

Gabriel Iglesias deserves a raise. I mean all high school teachers do, but not only does he make his lessons fun for his students, sacrifice for them, but he also believes in them. His teaching never ends after he leaves his classroom as he is constantly teaching his students not only history but kindness, wanting only the best for them. He also does not pretend to know all the answers when it comes to his kids knowing that sometimes he will need the help of his former teacher turned coworker. Despite having an obvious favorite, he doesn’t treat any of his kids any differently unless he is finding different ways for them to remember his lessons. I once had a teacher like him who still holds a very special place in my heart, he is what every teacher should be.

4) W*ll Schuester (Glee) – It Is On Sight. Arrest This Man 

I will not be explaining myself, I will simply be throwing hands and maybe a slushie.

5) Cabbage Man (Avatar: The Last Airbender) – If the Gang Could Kindly Reimburse Him That’d Be Lovely

I do not know anything at all about this man other than he grows cabbages, tries to sell them, and often gets his cart absolutely destroyed because he is somehow always near the Avatar Gang. Honestly, that is really all I need to know, and were I traveling with the Gang, I would buy his cabbages no questions asked.

6) Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore (Harry Potter) – I Don’t Mean to Kick a Dead Horse But He Needed His A** Kicked

So you’re telling me this man let Harry live in an abusive household for several years then basically raised him like a lamb for the slaughter and his legacy is just fully intact?? That’s what you’re telling me? This man literally saw exactly what happened to Voldemort from being in an abusive household and not knowing about magic until he came to take him away but then did the exact same thing to Harry? Not only that, but he HAD to know that Wormtail was the one who sold out Lily and James! Also, this man knows everything that is going on in his school despite how clueless he plays so as soon as the first Weasley came through carrying that rat he had to connect 2 and 2 in his tiny shriveled old brain. This isn’t even half of the grievances I have with him but I also know he’s getting beat up in the afterlife by more than a few people so I will patiently wait my turn.

The next three men on this list will receive no context on my feelings towards them; they just make too much sense.

7) Peter Parker (Spider-Man) – A National Treasure

8) Count Olaf (A Series of Unfortunate Events) – Not Only Would I Fight Him, but I Would Also Make People Pay to Watch Me Fight Him and It Would Be His Only Show to Ever Sell Out

9) Uncle Phil (Fresh Prince of Bel-Air) – First Things First, Rest in Peace Uncle Phil <3

10) Tony Stark (Captain America: Civil War) – You Put Peter in Danger and Made Him Miss School. These Are Things I Cannot Forgive

Where does your fictional man stand on my list?

As always, HC XOXO

• A Series of Unfortunate Events
• atla
• Bob Belcher
• bob’s burgers
• Cabbage Man
• count olaf
• dumbledore
• Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
• glee
• Mr.iglesias
• Ross Geller
• schuester