Surviving Your Breakup: Advice from my Favourite People

It’s that time of year again, break-up season. How can you be expected to care about school right now and make plans when you just want to cry all day! 

So here I am, writing this while listening to a playlist titled, “I was mad but now I feel bad 4 u” so you know this is gonna be a good one. Hi… I am Elle, and I’m going through my first breakup – so no, I’m definitely not qualified to tell you what to do. Honestly, no one is…but if there is one thing I have learned, there is no ‘right’ way to deal with a breakup. With that being said, I’ve asked the most intelligent people I know for their advice, and it’s helped me out a lot lately. If you are like me and don’t know how to deal with a breakup (for context I just sobbed to my best friends for hours), here’s some of my personal tips to survive this season. I will give you my personal recommendations from books,movies,songs to, motivation & validation. I also suggest activities and reminders that love can come from so many places other than romantic partners. Hopefully my tips and tricks can help you heal as well…or just make u giggle <3

Going through this makes me wonder if I’ll ever have faith in love again— kidding, I never did. Sorry sorry, let me be clear…I LOVE love. I love getting to know people, and the magical giddiness you get from the feeling of connecting with them. But if I’ve learned anything, it’s that love is EVERYWHERE. It’s in the movie nights with your roommate, the laughs until you can’t breathe, that look you make at yourself in the mirror when you know you look HOTTTT… so, yeah, I don’t know about my thoughts on romantic relationships right now, or if I have thoughts on having one in the foreseeable future; currently I can’t imagine trusting someone so deeply or being romantically vulnerable, anytime soon. 

And that’s okay! As A.Y. suggests, “baby yourself!…if you want a cookie, get yourself a cookie!” You’re in charge, you decide your timeline, you decide everything. You might not have had control over your relationship ending, but you have control in the now, of yourself.

Step one: Feel your Feelings!

Almost everyone I asked said something about letting yourself “feel your feelings,” so unfortunately, that’s our first step. Yes, I know it’s hard. As a professional avoider myself, I hate dealing with my emotions and would much prefer turning to one of my various, terrible coping mechanisms. But like always, my friends and family are right. You NEED to feel it. 

Personally, I had a flight to school 6 hours after my break-up (considerate timing, I know), so yes, I did sob my eyes out in the airport, throughout the entire 2 hour plane ride, in the Uber, and finally in my brand-new home for the year, and into the following days after. The most important thing between wiping those tears up with tissues, is that you need to “feel without judging yourself.” As M.M. puts it, “It’s a beautiful thing to be sensitive.” 

I’m not going to lie, this part sucks. M.S. reminded me that “it’s not forever” and my aunt says “it’ll get easier,” both of which I’m trying to believe. I know that I’m already doing way better than I was at first, as I’m sure you can relate to, but I can definitely understand the feeling that it might never go away. 

Strategies to get over the bump…

So, you have MANY different paths you can take, as you try to figure this out, and you can try whatever works, or even things you know you probably shouldn’t—again, this is all up to you!! 

Here is a list of strategies my favourite people suggest:

• My best friend advises: “Talk about it until you physically cannot talk about it anymore,” and honestly, it works. 

You have to reflect and recount and overthink, until you think so much you’re thinking something else. And feeling validated by those around you is a big help.

• “It’s true, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone…and the faster you do that, the faster it gets better,” my aunt says. 

This one I want us all to take with a hefty spoon of salt. You know what’s best for you, and I’m not gonna pretend like we haven’t all been there, but be sure you’re only getting into situations you are comfortable in! 

A tactic I love, (suggested by my wise best friends of course), is to make a list of your “yesses, maybes, and definitely nots” before going out. Get into as much detail as you think is necessary, do you want to: kiss / make-out / go home with / have sex, and so on. Once you go out, make sure you stick to these boundaries and stay true to yourself, no matter how many drinks, substances or second thoughts you have.

• Speaking of drunk thoughts… B.R. reminds us, “DO NOT BREAK NO CONTACT [or] you will have to restart the healing process.” 

If you’re already at this point, there’s honestly nothing left for you to say. I get the feeling of wanting to scream at them, wanting them to fight for you, or thinking that you just *need* them in your life. But M.G. shares the hard truth: “Going no contact is the best way to get closure. They’re never going to give you the closure you want, so close it yourself.” 

I want to remind you that a block is entirely reversible in the future. When you’re ready, (and I mean months or years from now), if this person is someone you truly want to explore a friendship with or meet for coffee and reconnect, you can do that. Right now, don’t rush what you know isn’t good for you, and take the space you both need.

• Another popular opinion: “Spend time doing things you love” – A.B. “Do things that are good for you (working out, going out with friends, focusing [on hobbies/school]” – E.B. “Create new meaningful friendships and new memories outside of the person” – T.W. “Go do all the stuff that you couldn’t do when you were with them” – A.A. “Retail therapy” – S.F “Get a vibrator” (learn to feel intimate & pleasure without others!)

I like doing things that remind me of all the good feelings there are, getting my adrenaline pumping: watching a scary movie, jumping in the water no matter how cold it is and screaming to Taylor Swift at a club are all highly effective solutions, just saying. 

Finally allow yourself to reflect 

Once your initial feelings have cleared, it’s time for some thinking. A.M. advises “think about it a lot, [especially] things you don’t want to think about…in order to process it, you need to feel it.” In this time you can “grieve the relationship and the version of you and the other person who were in it” – V.M.P., and if you need to “take the time to stare at photos, old texts [and] memories” – L.G.K. 

This was around the time I turned to villainizing my ex; needing to hate them in order to move on. I went for tough love with myself thinking like T.W. “why would you miss someone who doesn’t miss you back” or like my mom reminds me “you deserve someone better if [they] left.” I was so angry at the way they handled things and the way they hurt me. And sometimes, I still really am. But, I’m coming to the point where I don’t want to be mad anymore…I don’t think he deserves it. I truly believe that the opposite of love is indifference, not hate, so I’m trying a different perspective to finally move on. As L.K. shares, “Look back on the relationship with fondness instead of distaste, notice how it helped shape you into the person you are now and use that to move on.” 

No matter which perspective works for you, remember to “never be mad at yourself for giving love. loving is not embarrassing” – M.M. “If you ever feel sad about restarting, remember the ‘Sex and the City’ women were in their 30s and 40s frolicking around NYC figuring things out. Time is not running out!” 

This process is NOT linear, circular or even trackable. Meet yourself where you’re at. Surround yourself with comfort and love. Take it day by day. Pretty soon, you’re going to be just fine. I love you. You’ve got this.

xoxo,

Elle  

p.s. here are some recs to help you through this breakup… 

A Collection of Recommendations (credits to the HC team & T.W. <3 ):

To Read: 

• Everything I Know About Love by Dolly Alderton (love comes from SO many places)
• Good Material by Dolly Alderton (breakups can be a good thing!)
• My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Ottessa Moshfegh (you’re not alone in your sadness)
• On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong (feel all your feelings)

To Listen: 

• Writer in the Dark by Lorde (ow this sucks but also i can do this)
• Landslide by Oh Wonder! (you’re not alone, you’ll be okay!)
• Girl of My Dreams (self-love moment)
• Not My Man (“you stole my problem not my man”)
• you should see me in a crown by billie eilish (actually suck it.)
• “anything goes” with Emma Chamberlain: breakup advice (part 1: feel the pain)

To Watch: 

• “i want to feel like my heart is being ripped out of my throat” 
  • Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
  • Portrait of a Lady on Fire
  • Brokeback Mountain
  • Closer
  • Before Sunset
• “weird catharsis / awkward phase”
  • 500 Days of Summer
  • Silver Linings Playbook
  • Banshees of Inirsherin
  • Lost in Translation
  • Kill Bill
• “healing”
  • Ferris Bueler’s Day Off
  • Aquamarine
  • Notting Hill
  • Swingers
  • Scott Pilgrim vs the World
  • Bridget Jones’ Diary

• love
• mental health