If joy and I had a relationship title, it would definitely be “It’s Complicated.” Joy is something that I’ve had to learn to keep close to me throughout a lot of difficult life situations. But before we get into that, what is joy, actually? For every person, there’s probably a different definition of joy. Maybe joy is a fat bank account or an A on that test. Or if you’re me, it’s the upcoming “Fantasy Suite” Bachelor episode (I’m obsessed).
All jokes aside, though, I’ve been realizing recently that joy is something more intangible than material items can provide you with. Believe it or not, even when you look exactly the way you want, are in the dream relationship, and have the salary you want, joy isn’t something that comes along as a package deal. Joy is something that you have to cultivate — it can’t be dependent on external validation or accomplishments.
Joy is Internal
Joy doesn’t have to come from major life events. Anything can trigger joy in you. Maybe it’s a beautiful song, a sunset, a hug, or a simple favor someone does for you. My point is that you don’t have to wait until you reach some ultimate goal “X” to really feel good. As I said earlier, joy isn’t something that exists outside of you. You — no one or nothing else — are the one completely responsible for the amount of joy in your life.
That idea is a little scary, right? But I hope it also sounds incredibly freeing to you. Think about it… if you only have yourself to rely on for your happiness, no one can take it away from you. That is power. An important part of joy to remember, though, is the fact that we can share it with other people. Joy, like love, passion, or any other emotion, doesn’t “run out”. You can and should share it and spread it every day.
Joy is a Skill
When those tough times roll around, how do you find joy? That’s an essential life skill because being able to summon your joy means that you’re able to summon your resilience, your persistence, your hope, and your optimism even when things suck. It’s kind of like exercising your “Joy Muscle,” (lol) you can work on it as you would work on any other activity. Some people use religion, meditation or nature to work on their capacity for joy. For a lot of my life, I was never really open to religion, but in recent months I’ve found that having a spiritual or meditative practice (not worshipping God, per se) provides me with comfort and confidence I couldn’t get from anywhere else. If it sounds interesting to you, try it out and see if it does something for you.
Take it from me, you can change your outlook on the world into anything you want it to be. It all starts with identifying those bad habits and negative thought patterns, then making the decision to shift them.
Joy is a Choice
Random events and actual chemical imbalances can affect our ability to feel joy — I’m definitely not denying that. A lot of situations in life are out of our control. But at the end of the day, our reactions to those situations are in our control. If you can get in tune with your body and your mind enough, joy becomes a choice. And if joy is a choice, so is anger, so is envy, so is doubt, et cetera. Let’s say you don’t get that dream internship, but one of your classmates does. Jealousy will definitely come, but at a certain point, you have to wish that person well and move on. When you let go of those negative emotions, you’re allowing joy in and moving toward what’s meant for you. The next time something turns out in a way you didn’t expect, check in with yourself and ask whether what you feel is serving you. If it’s not, shift into another feeling that’s more productive.
A huge factor in this process is gratitude — there’s a good reason why people swear by gratitude lists. Gratitude will come easily in the big moments, but try to find it in the little ones too. I hope you feel joy when you’re walking and the sunlight drenches your face, when you dive into a pool and feel weightless, when you take that first bite of cake, when someone says they love you, when something makes you ugly laugh from deep in your belly. Choose openness. Choose adventure. Enjoy.