Okay. So you’re black. You’re a girl. You’re in college. And you probably like some form of romance, whether that’s dating, hooking up, or anything in between. But as a fellow black girl, I know the struggles you might face on your college campus, especially if it’s a PWI (predominantly white institution) like Dartmouth. If you’re still reading, I would urge you to immediately watch an episode from the show grown-ish, Season 1 Episode 10: “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” (Unrelated, but important: get Spotify for students — it comes with Hulu and Showtime, and it’s all only $4.99/month). “Ok, for real, is there something in the water around here? Was there some event, some movie, some Drake song that said black guys should stop dating black girls?” Jazz asks, noticing that she and her sister, Sky, were not feeling the love from guys while out with their friends. Unsurprisingly, their lighter-skinned and looser-haired counterparts were getting all the male attention. These articles on Essence and Bustle are really great if you’re interested in reading more about how grown-ish tackles dating and colorism on campus.
I decided to write this article after a conversation with a fellow Dartmouth HerCampus member — we randomly got into a discussion about dating and hookups on campus, and when I found out that the theme for this week was relationships, I knew I had to write an article about that conversation. As much as we might want to believe that race isn’t a factor in our romantic lives, I think we know that black girls, at least at Dartmouth and schools like it, generally have it harder. With Valentine’s Day around the corner, I guess this is looming larger in my mind as everyone is gearing up to celebrate with their significant other or maybe feeling sad about not having one. Brown girl, I wish I had a magic wand to fix the state of things for us, but I don’t. I’m writing right now, though, to let you know that I know your struggle and that you’re not alone! I encourage you to reach out to other black girls and guys on campus to talk about this, and feel free to reach out to me even if it’s just to vent — I would love to hear your thoughts. As a sophomore, I guess I have a little bit of wisdom on this topic that I can impart. So, here are some things I’m going to tell you that I wish someone had told me before starting college. Some of this is just general girl advice, but some of it is specifically for black girls. Read on!
1) Hookups and relationships aren’t everything
This is not to say that you shouldn’t take this time to experiment and do whatever the hell you want! You’ve earned it! I’m a huge supporter of taking your freshman year to have fun and be carefree while you can — that’s what I did at least. And if you’re exploring hooking up and dating in a healthy way where you’re putting yourself first, it can add a lot of value and happiness to your time in college. I just hate to see women (i.e. me as a freshman, lol) torn up over situations like being ghosted or not getting what they want out of a partner. Avoid the pain, girl. Know what you want — whether that’s being in a committed relationship, hooking up, or doing nothing at all. Make sure everything is on your own terms, and that you feel good about your decisions. Demand nothing less than respect from whoever you’re dealing with. Too often, women are minimizing themselves in lots of aspects of their lives, including dating. Eff that. Be the Iron Lady of your dating life! Finally, let me stress, again, that hookups and relationships aren’t everything, but platonic relationships are everythiiiing. Build a strong network of friends to support you through all your tough times, and you’ll be the happier for it.
2) Navigating romance as a brown girl will be different
It will be different, but just because it’s different or more difficult doesn’t mean that you should settle. Please don’t ever accept one ounce less than what you deserve from someone, yes, even if you’re feeling lonely at the moment. “But its 2 A.M. on a Saturday, and he just sent me a u up?” you whine. Nope. If you aren’t into being someone’s late-night text, ignore it (Unless you know that it’s the right decision for you and it’s what you want — then go ahead! Get it on!). I want you to know yourself and do what’s in line with your values. Get what you really want out of a situation, whether that’s a relationship or something else. Because guess what? You deserve to get what you want. The loneliness will pass — here’s where that super strong group of friends comes in! Overall, the best advice I can give you is to talk about it. I know that probably sounds cliché, but I swear it helps. There’s a reason why people want to connect by sharing their stories — it makes them feel better and like they’re in it with other people. Talk to people, because I know it sucks sometimes, but you’re not alone. Talk to your friends, your parents, anyone, and work out your ideas and feelings. Complain or cry or laugh or write. Put it out into the world. See what happens.
3) Stay healthy!
STAY SAFE! I cannot stress this enough! Please take care of your beautiful self if you decide to be sexually active — get yourself and whoever you’re with tested regularly. If you won’t listen to me, listen to my icon Jerry Springer when he says: “Take care of yourselves, and each other.” Make sure you’re using condoms to protect from STIs, and use another form of birth control. Your college will definitely have health services that can help you with this, so use them early and often. Keep healthy so you can focus on having the best college experience possible. Remember that in all of this, your relationship with yourself is the most important thing, so put yourself first and honor your body and mind. You will make mistakes. Trust me, I’ve made plenty. But that’s okay. You’ll get over those mistakes, and you’ll still end up being awesome. Experience is the best teacher, and everything that happens will be something to learn from and make you strong af. So to end, what I would say to my younger self is: always make your decisions from a place of confidence and strength — you are #1, and never forget it.