We need to talk. It’s time you knew about Dorothy Parker, the ultimate feminist badass. I know, I know, you’re shocked that I didn’t say JLaw or Tina Fey (and for good reason…ask me how many times I’ve read Bossypants). But rewind a bit, circa 1920s and 30s. The Jazz Age’s own Tina Fey, in a hat and pearls. And to those of you who have already seen me fan-girl to Dorothy Parker in real life…I’m not even sorry.
When asked if she drinks to forget :
“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”
For the record, I’m not including this because I encourage imbibing to forget your woes; I’m including it because damn does that girl know how to turn a phrase, and the key to my heart is wordplay.
On making mistakes and being kind of okay with it:
“That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.”
Some “inner beauty” wisdom:
“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.”
Somehow, she managed to understand 90 years ago what we’re still struggling with today.
This girl belongs at a liberal arts school:
“Heterosexuality is not normal, it’s just common.”
*SNAPS* We are so crushing heteronormativity right now!
The 20s precursor to a Taylor Swift song:
“In youth, it was a way I had,
To do my best to please.
And change, with every passing lad
To suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know
And do the things I do,
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you!”
So flip. So crass. So Raven.
The senior year (every year?) motto:
“If I didn’t care for fun and such,
I’d probably amount to much.
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn.”
I need a little pocket-sized Dorothy Parker to whip out when I feel insecure so she can pelt me with inspirational quips and assure me that Law and Order: SVU marathons are exactly as important as I think. If not more.
(Questionable) advice on going out:
“If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.”
I’m not going to say this works, but it doesn’t not work.
Doing nothing and almost taking pride in it:
“I don’t do anything. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don’t even do that anymore.”
This just makes it all the more tragic when you realize she never got to marathon a series on Netflix and not move until even Netflix is asking you if you’re really still watching.
On time:
“Time doth; oh shit.”
This might be the name of my blog.
When your motivation gives out:
“But I don’t give up; I forget why not.”
Sometimes there isn’t a good reason to keep toughing it out; sometimes you just have to do it because there’s no other choice. No carrot, no stick, just you and something that will, eventually, be over.
On getting work done:
“Writing is the art of applying the ass to the seat.”
Someone glue me here, please.