Denim cut off shorts are to summer 2014 as feather hair extensions were to summer 2011. If you aren’t sporting them, you’re either living under a rock or stoically trying to maintain your independence from mainstream trends. In 2011, your feathers said something about you: natural feathers bespoke a practical sensibility (it will go with every outfit!) while neon blue or pink feathers told everyone that you didn’t just follow a trend, you wrapped it in a bear hug and called it family.
So, what do your 2014 denim cut-off shorts say about you?
ONE TEASPOON’S CLASSIC BONITA SHORTS
You wanted an authentic, looks-like-I-cut-these-myself pair of shorts, so you went with the ones that have significantly less fringe, and coverage, on one side. Nothing says DIY fashionista like spending $99 on shorts that look like a toddler cut them, right?
UNIF HANGOVER CUTOFF SHORTS
Who cares about utility when you can cover your derriere in a pair of tie-dye cotton candy-esque shorts? So what if they go with, like, nothing in your closet. For you, money is meant to be thrown at $108 shorts whose wearability is questionable.
WILDFOX’S LARA MID RISE CUTOFF SHORTS
You were the toddler who always wore those larger-than-your-face flower headbands and pom-pom trimmed monogrammed dresses. Your mom doesn’t dress you anymore, but that doesn’t mean her influence has fully worn off.
TRUE RELIGION’S JOEY CUTOFF SHORTS
You have great legs, so it’s your social obligation to show them off. You don’t wear these around your dad, because you know he wouldn’t let you leave the house in shorts with only a 2” inseam. But you’re in college now, so you can wear tiny shorts if you want.
GLAMOROUS FRAYED CUTOUT DENIM SHORT
Not to be one-upped by your bff with the great legs, you go the extra mile—or half inch—to take the prize for smallest shorts on campus. Some may question whether these should be called shorts or hot pants, but you know they’ll be a hit at court parties.
FP DENIM CUT OFF SHORTS
Unlike your two suitemates, you keep it classy—at least as classy as ripped and frayed jean shorts can be. You pride yourself on not showing your bum to the general public, and let me speak for the general public when I say thank you for that.
FOREVER 21’S AMERICANA DENIM CUT OFFS
You own an American flag printed button down and bandana. You date a frat guy who wears American flag chubbies. Obviously, you needed some cut offs that would show off your patriotism. God bless ‘murica.
ONE TEASPOON’S WORN WHITE BANDIT SHORTS
You’ve always been mistaken for years older than your actual age, so when you wear shorts that look like a diaper, you only go from looking 26 to 16. Make a mental note of this age-decreasing article of clothing. It’ll be useful when you want to look 40 instead of 50.
AMERICAN VINTAGE DENIM FRINGE SHORTS
You’re on a first name basis with everyone at European Wax Center. Regular Brazilians are a prerequisite for shorts like these. You also kind of wanted to be a cowgirl when you were little, which explains the fringe. Girl’s got cheek (literally and figuratively in a British-slang-for-smart-arse way).
LOVE CULTURE’S CROCHET FRONT DENIM SHORTS
This girl is a lady. When you’re with your parents you wear pearls and drink champagne. When you’re with your friends you wear these crochet front shorts, which strike the perfect balance between ladylike and casual. It’s up for debate whether or not it’s classy when paired with a denim crop top.
LUXURY JONES’S CUT-OFF SHORT – BANDANA BEDAZZLED WITH FRINGE AND PATCHES
You’re from either Colorado or Washington, you always choose a Halloween costume from the Playboy line, and your instragram consists of selfies in your LA Dodgers hat. You also believe that you can never have too much of a good thing, which explains the patches, the fringe, and the rhinestones.
HIGHENDHANNY’S HIGH WAISTED BLACK GALAXY SHORTS
You were really into the space age printed leggings this past winter, so what better way to continue the trend than with these galaxy shorts? When asked where you bought them, you proudly tell people that they’re from Etsy, so they’re handmade and one-of-a-kind.
LOVE CULTURE’S SUSPENDER LIGHT WASHED SHORTS
Yes, you’re following the trends by wearing denim cut offs, but you’re also making them your own by adding suspenders. How fetch.
URBAN RENEWAL MUD CLOTH DENIM SHORT
You wrote your college admissions essay on how you started a foundation that teaches women to make bracelets for a living. These shorts encapsulate your wardrobe: vintage, handmade, and hand-dyed. They’ve been around the world, just like you on your gap year.
If present-day reactions to the beloved feather extensions of our past are any indication, I cringe to imagine what we’ll think of our denim short of choice in five years. Nevertheless, you can’t prevent your 30-year-old future self from shuddering at old pictures, so you might as well embrace the many manifestations of the denim cut off. Or, instead of pushing the envelope within the trend, you could just not wear denim cut offs at all. That would be rather rebellious of you, in my opinion.