My Experience: Trying to Understand My Demisexuality

Her Campus DCU’s public relations officer Kirsty Dowdall writes about her experience of being demisexual

Sexuality is a strange thing and it doesn’t necessarily ever fit a certain structure. Sure, some people feel theirs fits certain boundaries that are easy to explain. Heterosexual – I’m attracted to the opposite sex. Homosexual – I’m attracted to the same sex. But I feel in a lot of cases sexuality lies in mid-shades as opposed to black and white. 

That’s always been the way for me and it took me a long time to understand exactly why I feel the way I do.  

I am demisexual. Medical News Online describes this sexuality as so; “People who identify as demisexual only feel sexual attraction to another person if they form a strong emotional bond or connection with them first.” 

Growing up until I was about 18 or 19 I really thought I was asexual. Someone who is asexual experiences little to no sexual attraction. I watched television programmes a lot when I was younger and I still do, but no matter how attractive I thought actors or actresses were, no matter how crazy attractive I thought my real-life crushes were I couldn’t even form a single sexual thought about them.  

Now, I think I know what you’re thinking. I was young and perhaps I just hadn’t really thought about sex enough or experienced enough to think about others that way. But it was confusing. 

 I had friends who were having sexual thoughts and feelings about others and no matter how hard I tried, the thought of another person no matter how attractive I found them just simply wasn’t arousing to me. 

But that’s the funny thing. I did get turned on. Same as now, it would just happen at random times in the day and wouldn’t be a direct result of what anyone did or said or how anyone looked. 

Around that age I did masturbate and it was good, I experimented with that a lot at that age but the issue for me was I never really brought the thought of anyone else into it. I never fantasized about other people, even if I had a crush on someone at that moment. I didn’t understand it and I felt personally like I was being held back by it. 

But then when I was 19/20, something happened. I met someone absolutely incredible in every way. I’m not going to lie, I felt absolutely nothing for him in the beginning. But then something happened, a really strong emotional bond developed. I have no idea how it happened, or if the implications of the relationship were ever necessarily romantic as I wanted them to be. But it was love.  

I really strongly loved and wanted this person to be the best they could possibly be. Everything they did was so endearing to me it made me feel a little sick. We both smiled so much when around each other it was hard for me to think about anyone else. Every time anything happened, I knew exactly who I wanted to tell.  

Then suddenly there was a face in my fantasies. In my dreams. Every place my mind went in either conscious thought or dreams it was the same person. Every time I saw them there was sweat on the back of my neck. I felt comfortable but completely awkward at the same time when around them, feeling like every single thing I said was sexually-suggestive even if it wasn’t. A weird feeling in my lower stomach whenever they laughed.  

There it was. That feeling other people get when they find someone attractive in all its glory. I basked in it for a while. Orgasms were better, the jittery feeling I got whenever I went to see them absolutely thrilled me. But at the same time as feeling these things I’d never really felt before, I was still so emotionally attached. Even though I felt like it wouldn’t matter if something meaningless happened, if we just had sex and they didn’t feel the same as I did. I knew it would. 

 My brain told me I’d be crushed if something happened and my deeper, more emotional feelings weren’t returned. Although I was dying for something to happen to release the tension and finally experience sex with someone I felt strong attraction with, I never did and to this day I’m glad.  

Demisexuality is hard in this day and age. I find a lot of people are looking to have sex very early into relationships and that’s not necessarily something I’m interested in. It took quite a long time for me to form an emotional connection so strong that I really wanted to be with a person like that. 

 In some ways I think it will work to my advantage, obviously an emotional connection only forms if both parties are equally as invested in each other so it’s likely to save me a lifetime of being hurt by people who only want sex. But the sad part is sometimes the relationship that forms is only romantic on one side, which means I get hurt anyway.  

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