If you’re like me at all, you have an unhealthy obsession with wine. Maybe you studied abroad in Italy for a month and got a taste for fine bottles of 1 Euro wine that you’d down on your way to clubs. Maybe you played slap the bag a few too many times at those great (read: gross) freshman year frat parties in the basement of some house off South College. Maybe your parents tried to be the “cool moms” or “hip dads” and let you start drinking a little too young.
Whatever your reasons, let’s face it, you’re a classy b*tch now and deserve the finer things in life. I’m not talking expensive, I’m talking the box of alcoholic apple juice that we all know and love: Franzia. For those who don’t know, Franzia comes in more flavors than “That bag at that party with that SPD frat brother” and can be consumed with the intention of not getting drunk (well, sometimes).
You know what a classy b*tch does? Drinks their wine with their food. If you’re into food and alcohol, try out these Franzia boxed wine pairings.
Red
Chillable Red
“A light-bodied red that is made to be served chilled. More body and flavor than blush wine, softer than traditional red wines.” – Franzia Jesus
I’m vegan, I miss cheese. A lot. Eat your heart out here with a big old plate of cheese served with some fresh green grapes and walnuts. Throw in some melon wrapped with prosciutto if you’re feeling extra classy. Enjoy on a balcony for ultimate levels of classiness.
Dark Red Blend
“Rich, juicy flavors of dark fruit with aromas of dark cherry and ripe plum. The finish is smooth with a hint of vanilla and pepper spice.” – Franzia Mother of Jesus
STEAK. Get a nice cut of red meat and serve it with a baked potato and some brussels sprouts pan fried with bacon (you’re no healthy b*tch tonight). For extra levels of classiness make this a one-woman-show and enjoy alone on the couch while watching a classy show like Parks and Rec. Buy some chocolate for dessert for ultimate levels of classiness.
Fruity Red Sangria
“A refreshing red with flavors of citrus fruit and just the right amount of sweetness. Serve chilled over ice.” – All knowing Franzia god
Best paired with barbecue foods at a Fourth of July party while wearing only some Jorts and an American flag bandana as a shirt. LOL. Pile up your paper plate with some baby back ribs, potato salad and watermelon. Throw the watermelon into your sangria for an extra classy touch. For ultimate levels of classiness let your dad take aux and listen to some classic dad music in the background. Springsteen is preferred.
White
Chardonnay
“A crisp wine with a clear finish. Semi-dry and medium bodied. Serve chilled.” – Franzia expert that seems to not care as much about white wine than red (same)
Don’t be fooled, rare chicken is not classy. Save that wildin’ behavior for the sushi restaurant. Chardonnay will taste great served along with some pan seared chicken with lemon and thyme. For extra classy points eat with an arugula salad. To reach ultimate classy levels, cook the chicken on your own. I dare you.
Crisp White
“A medium bodied white wine with floral aromas and fruit flavors. Serve chilled.” – Franzia intern who really stopped caring about wine at this point
Are you a healthy b*tch? Well good news, Crisp White is best served with fresh veggies! Cut up some bell peppers, celery and broccoli and serve with some ranch on a hot summer day. For extra classiness swap out that good old bottle of Nature Valley ranch for some hummus. For ultimate classy levels, bring it all to the poolside and threaten the lifeguards if they tell you “drinking isn’t allowed”. You’re an ultimate classy b*tch. Drinking is always allowed.
Refreshing White
“A white wine that is light and easy to drink. Serve chilled.” – Another, slightly worse Franzia intern. Possibly a little drunk.
I’m thinking some shrimp scampi here. I don’t even like shrimp yet it just sounds like the thing to eat here. Get out your box of linguine (if you have it on hand you’re extra classy) and make yourself some classy AF shrimp scampi as you sip your Refreshing White. To reach ultimate classy levels, make sure you’re outside at sunset overlooking an east coast beach. Like Jersey. THE Jersey shore. Classy.
Blush
Sunset Blush
“Delicate pink hue with strawberry flavors; easy to drink and very refreshing. Serve chilled.” – New Franzia intern who took a sommelier class in college using their very convincing fake ID from New Hampshire (Share this post if you also forgot New Hampshire was a state)
We all know and love Sunset Blush, and it may have even led to some poor decisions. Forget everything you know about it and try out this blush wine with some caprese salad. For extra classy levels, serve your caprese salad on little toothpicks, it’s finger food now!! For ultimate classy levels put on a tight little dress, updo your hair (in the wise words of Honey Boo-Boo, the higher your hair the closer you are to Jesus), put your finger food capreses on a silver platter, walk around at a pool party offering them to people and when they reach for one, pull the platter away, laugh in their face and eat the one they were going to take yourself. You’re not just an ultimate classy b*tch, you’re a hungry b*tch.
Rosé
“This refreshing Rosé is dry and crisp with flavors of red berry and white peach.” – A fat man with a great beard floating around on an unicorn floatie in his backyard blow-up Walmart pool while listening to Ari’s newest album (IYKYK ;) #RoséAllDay
Unfortunately this Franzia intern gave me no help when deciding what should be paired with this wine so I assume anything goes. SO, let’s go with sushi. Who doesn’t love sushi? Extra classy points if you order actual raw fish (I don’t so no hate) and superior classy points if you trust yourself enough to purchase your own sushi grade fish and make your own sushi. Good luck, you classy b*tch.
White Merlot
“A semi-dry blush wine with delicious raspberry aromas. Serve chilled.” – Making his return (Happy Easter), Franzia Jesus.
Paella! Paella is a Spanish dish consisting of a dirty rice and lots of seafood like mussels, crab, shrimp and fish. It’s delish. For extra classy points, be in Spain. For superior classy points, be in Spain on a classy Baroque-style balcony overlooking the Spanish riviera with your hot Latin lover dining completely naked. #SelfLove
I hope you’re inspired now, b*tch! Drink up, honey!