Women are expected to be nurturers. Firstborns are expected to be exemplars. Being both is exhausting.
By Sarah Sloat
Born as the eldest daughter in my family, I have often seen my parents to be stricter towards me. I am expected to set an example for my siblings. Nonetheless, it also provides me with the chance to experience ‘firsts’ with a certain amount of flexibility and freedom.
“Are you okay or are you the eldest daughter?” – A tweet from an anonymous ‘X’ user
I recently came across this relatable tweet on X (formerly Twitter). It was flooded with a million likes and comments, expressing a unanimous agreement. Initially, I found it to be funny, but after a while, it hit me – “Hey, I AM the eldest daughter!”
Being the eldest and the only daughter comes with a plethora of responsibilities. Though being the eldest allows you to experience things ‘first’, there is an innate sense of responsibility that comes along with my freedom. The oldest child plays an inimitable role in the structure of the family. With a propensity to be confident, I’ve craved independence from a young age. Realizing that my actions are observed by the impressionable younger siblings, there is pressure to set a standard for them, pushing me to act cautiously and wisely. I have always attempted to navigate these, which, in the long term, have shaped my identity.
I often find myself as a mediator in family conflicts, acting as a bridge for communication between my mom and dad. I also lend an ear to them and my siblings. However, there is a sense of invisible burden on my shoulders which is concomitantly present in every task I do. Apart from this, elder daughters like me are expected to be role models, caretakers, and second mothers to siblings. I believe at times, this can get strenuous. In the run for a stable and secure future, we are expected to not make mistakes. This along with dabbling the duties of being the eldest child can be overwhelming. I feel being an elder daughter becomes tiresome sometimes; there’s no respite to this duty. The eldest bears the brunt of the burden among her siblings. These days, I feel the peak of this pressure; it feels like I have reached the saturation point. Nonetheless, as I mentioned before, there’s no break to this duty.
Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed by the expectations set by my family. This poses even more pressure, disrupting my mental health. The pressure of always being perfect occupies my mind and I tend to become too harsh on myself. I am expected to achieve certain milestones early such as learning how to drive, financial stability, and academic achievements, to set an example and become a source of motivation for siblings.
Some of us might have come across the ‘middle child syndrome’, but did you know there’s something called the ‘Elder Daughter Syndrome’ as well? I was intrigued by this concept and researching about it led me to a whole new world. “Oldest Daughter Syndrome is a term used to describe the unique challenges and expectations that are often placed upon the eldest child in a family,” says licensed clinical professional counselor Jamila Jones. “As the firstborn daughter, these children are often expected to set an example for their younger siblings, taking on more responsibilities and acting as role models.” – Although it seems like it could be good for the eldest daughter to act as a role model for younger siblings, it can also result in some negative consequences. “While being the oldest daughter can lead to a strong sense of leadership and independence, it can also create a sense of pressure and a feeling of having to constantly strive for perfection,” Jones says.
I believe eldest daughters can relate to this and what it takes to be the eldest child. However, despite the cons, navigating this role prepares you for the future and instills leadership qualities. Not to forget that being what you are is a blessing too. Balancing this role with one’s idea of life could be arduous but it is possible. Healthy practices such as prioritizing yourself, practicing self-care, leaning on your support system, and learning to set boundaries could help to a great extent. In certain cases, aiming for perfectionism can be detrimental as it leads to additional mental pressure. Hence, in such instances, it becomes pivotal to practice self-care and dabble in recreational activities as a means of happiness and a healthy lifestyle. Never shy away from asking for help. There will always be people who can guide you through the process.
Firstborn daughters do have to face traumas, challenges, and setbacks but despite this, they come back stronger, and in my opinion, are one of the most resilient beings. We don’t need to be perfect all the time. It is just us and our mindset against the world. Now when I look back at the tweet after a series of self-introspections, I realize that though being the eldest daughter demands perfectionism and undertaking responsibilities, it certainly brings a blessing to you and your family. It makes me resilient and confident while being a multi-tasker. Therefore, now I can say that being the eldest daughter and being okay can go hand in hand.