I try to hide this from as many people as I can because it’s my embarrassing secret. It seems like most of my friends and most people my age already have sex lives. There is a reason why I’m like this and it boiled down to my fear of intimacy and not just being physical, but emotional as well.
I first got a glimpse of this fear when I was in eighth grade and I expressed to my friend how I was so tired of my innocent middle school crushes not liking me back (I made a TikTok on this). He suggested that he could talk to his friend about me who I thought was cute.
That’s when it hit me — I was scared of a guy actually liking me back. The two guys I really liked in middle school never reciprocated the same feelings. The main one I was really head over heels in love with was named Alex. He was popular, loved soccer, was smart but also a class clown, and really really cute.
I knew he was a different breed. Even though he didn’t like me romantically, Alex always was always nice to me and made me feel included. The fear as mentioned above made me tell my friend to not even dare mention me and that I was fine being single.
In high school, I fell head over heels in love again with another boy from my grade — Chris. He was probably one of the most known kids in my class. Like Alex, he was a class clown but one of the sweetest individuals I’ve met. I was so infatuated with him throughout high school and even afterward.
Chris got a girlfriend junior year, so I cried a lot and couldn’t let it go until years later. I knew from high school I didn’t have a chance with him even when I lost most of my weight, which had nothing to do with my worth or why he wasn’t interested, but in my head, I thought it was.
I knew if Chris liked me back I would’ve freaked out. The summer before my junior year, we met up, and thus began our long will they or won’t they relationship. But nothing ever really went through.
During my freshman year of college, I had an even more intense crush on someone named Brandon. This one really affected me and my self-esteem. I was on my weight loss journey, again, so I was insecure about my weight and to make things worse, I had really bad acne.
He was tall — like 6’1 with a deep velvety voice. He was passionate about the environment, women’s rights and played soccer. I will say I acted weird. I tried to take the same train cart as him and attempted to talk to him multiple times. The worst thing I did was friend request him FIVE times on Facebook.
Entering my sophomore year, Chris and I had the same English class. I knew I impressed him with my weight loss because he did a double-take, but that made me question him. He even decided to sit behind me and in a near-empty class.
On the train ride to my house, I thought about what would happen if Chris liked me back, and I got scared again, so I ignored him for the rest of the semester. This low self-esteem and fear rolled over to my next crush on a photographer who was even taller, smarter, and more mysterious. I got a vibe that we liked each other, but I was so scared of being rejected that I didn’t even try making a move.
If I do decide to be with someone emotionally or physically, I find ways to end the relationship so I won’t get hurt. According to Very Well Mind, intimacy issues are characterized as, “The fear of sharing a close emotional or physical relationship. People who experience this fear do not usually wish to avoid intimacy, and may even long for closeness, but frequently push others away or even sabotage relationships.”
I do this in friendships as well. Several times I realized when a friend has gotten emotionally vulnerable, I freak out and end the friendship. I apologized to those friends and I am grateful that they are still in my life.
Virginity comes into play because it’s an insecurity of mine. For one, I don’t like undressing in front of anyone, not even my friends, so I would have to be fully comfortable with my partner.
I also get attached easily, but have a fear of intimacy — and that’s how things will be for now. On the one hand, I want to have sex for the first time with someone I love and am comfortable with; however, having sex with someone I don’t have feelings for sounds easier. Ultimately, I need to figure out what I want for myself to overcome my intimacy fears.