How to With Sass: How to Lose a DePauw Guy in 10 Days

How to With Sass (Sam Wong and Katie Cassidy):

How to Lose a DePauw Guy in 10 Days (or less if performed to the best of your ability):
 
Is it just us, or does it seem like on our tiny-baby campus of DePauw, when you want to see a guy, you won’t for about a week (unless you hunt him down) or the person you’re avoiding becomes like your reflection in the mirror you see them so often.  Well, either way this is something of which you have to take control.  Being liked can be great and all, but sometimes the “coincidental” run-ins multiple times a day by the one person you’re trying to avoid tends to get a little too creepy… almost as creepy as the massive cat population in Greencastle, and we’re not talking about Thetas.
 
Here’s How to Take Control of Your Problem… How to Lose a DePauw Guy in 10 Days:
 
Day 1: Turn the tables on him and become an all out creep.  Call him 14 times in a row.  Full-blown stalker mode is most definitely a turn-off and if this doesn’t make him uncomfortable, then you’re not being creepy enough.  
 
Day 2: Although it may bring you back to your prime time years of high school, if he plays a sport make sure you attend all practices, scrimmages, and games sporting a home-made T-shirt saying “I <3 # (insert flame’s number)”. 
 
Day 3: Whenever you spot your beau breaking it down on the dance floor at the DePauw prom, while talking to another bitty, immediately make a scene and start making out with him… make sure she knows who’s boss.
 
Day 4: Talk to him soberly.  Talking to a girl when not sipping on Natty in the sweaty, jersey-ed bum room is sure to throw any DePauw boy for a loop.  If you are looking to ditch him quickly, talk to him about something school-related.
 
 Day 5: Ask him to dinner… not at the Hub or moldy smelling Den!  A 40 minute car ride to Plainfield ensures plenty of time to plan our your entire future together. 
 
Day 6: Become best friends with all of his pals.  Show up in his room with baked goods for his frat bros and catch up on your Call of Duty skills.  Drop by when your boyf isn’t around, take your shoes off, stay awhile and make yourself at home.  Bring a toothbrush for yourself and place it in his closet and make sure not to forget your baby blanket. 

Day 7: If all of this doesn’t creep him out, and he invites you to spend the night, make sure you pop in that un-brushed retainer of yours!  Although all of us hate morning breathe, make sure you give him a sweet, sloppy one before you leave… and make sure he smells that last night Marvin’s you made him buy you. 

Day 8:  After you leave his rack room or cold dorm, immediately write on his Facebook wall “I miss you… its been too long… I have to see you again”. And then make a tweet, but only after sending him 20 texts.  If he fails to respond to any of various forms of media, resort to e-mail.  It may seem a little too professional, but a girl’s gotta do, what a girl’s gotta do.  Always demand to be driven home.  If he doesn’t have a car, tell him find one or hop on his back.  While in car, sit in the back seat and blast a little BSpears, Spice Girls, or Leona Lewis’ “Keep Bleeding” and apologize for having your “time of the month”. 
 
Day 9: If you haven’t lost him by now, it’s time to go all out on your mission.  Profess your love, give him YOUR sorority pin, and invite his whole house over to yours for a candle pass.  If you don’t hire a professional photographer, you’re not working hard enough. 
 
Day 10: Ladies, this is the 21^st Century… we have fought for these equal rights long enough.  Get down on one knee and propose.  Light the candles, sprinkle rose petals, and play a little “Let’s Get it On” by our man, Marvin Gaye. 
 
If all of these tactics don’t have him running from you, like he would sprint home naked from the boulder in 20 degree weather, then ladies you have yourselves a full-blown, stage 5 clinger.