My Mental health journey

I have had anxiety for a long time. In Elementary school, I was always the kid carrying the bright yellow puke bucket because my stomach always hurt (Newsflash baby Evie, it was just anxiety). My first panic attack was sophomore year of high school, and they never stopped after that. Not only do I have GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder), but also OCD, a panic disorder, and PTSD. That’s a lot of anxiety disorders for one person, but I have been struggling through it all for years. I started therapy for real senior year of high school, and since then I have seen maybe 5 different therapists. I always thought I did really well at coping without any external help (besides therapy), but this year things got bad again. I went the entire summer without a panic attack, but in August they got bad again. Every single night from August to early October I would have a panic attack. All of my coping skills, my breathing techniques, and therapy weren’t working anymore. If you have never had a panic attack, be thankful. They feel as close to a heart attack as a person can get, and it is terrifying. Your heart is racing, your whole body is numb, your breathing is shallow and there is a sensation that your throat is closing. On top of all those physical symptoms, your brain is telling you repeatedly that you are going to die. Panic attacks are not fun, and I was having them every single night. This isn’t the first time my panic attacks have been bad like this, but they were extra painful this time around

Despite all of this I was going through, I had responsibilities to keep track of. From work to classes, to studying, to my internship, and extracurriculars; no wonder that my nervous system would combust into a paralyzing state of fight or flight every night. Panic attacks weren’t new to me, but they got so much worse as this semester went on. I left my Latin class early to go to the emergency room because I was having heart attack symptoms. I can usually tell the difference between an actual health concern and an anxiety symptom, but this chest pain was unreal. The result: Costocondritis. This is an inflammation of the ribs, and do you want to guess what it can be caused by? If you guessed anxiety, you would be right. The doctor told me,

Costochondritis feels exactly like a heart attack and it will probably last for a few weeks. 

A week before this rib inflammation business, I had my first-ever psychiatrist appointment. I had tried to get into medicine senior year, but it did not work out then. This time, I was serious about starting the medicine. I needed help. I was finally willing to accept that I could not do this on my own anymore and that I needed more than just my coping skills to get me through each day. The psychiatrist prescribed me Citalopram (Celexa) as my SSRI, but the best thing he did for me was prescribing Propranolol. I never thought that a beta-blocker (blood pressure medication) would be my saving grace, but it has been. What this medicine does is slow my heart rate, which reduces the effect of your nervous system going into fight or flight mode without any danger (the cause of a panic attack). These medicines have been working for me, I don’t have panic attacks every night anymore, but I got lucky to get good meds the first time around. It is normal if the first set of medications does not work for you. 

I will forever be open about my mental health struggle. I never want somebody to suffer through what I have, and mental health is just as serious as physical health. I mean, if your mental health is bad then it can quite literally make you sick (I.e. Costochondritis). The stigma surrounding mental health NEEDS to end. Never be ashamed of what you are going through. You got this and everything will be okay in the end.