Biology:Â
We get it. You like plants. Or, if you like animals, it’s most advantageous for you to look like a plant. Therefore, green is your color. Your green-dyed hairs might look like grass, but unfortunately, unlike grass, they won’t be able to photosynthesize, so you’ll have to supplement not unlike the various carnivorous plants. But luckily, also unlike grass, you have to study dozens of biology terms that, let’s face it, look almost exactly the same. It’s a lose-lose, so you might as well dye your hair green.Â
Art/Design:Â
If you’re an art major, you want to stand out, or more importantly, you want your work to stand out. Like a highlighter. But not just any highlighter, specifically the hot pink highlighters only the artsy elementary schoolers had, or the ones whose parents had money. If we’re being honest, you’ll probably just highlight your hair during one of your gen-ed stem courses, anyway, so you might as well just get it over with.
Music:
If you’re a music school major, find the piece of sheet music closest to you and find the first note. The refer to the following chart to see what your color should be:
A- Red
B- Orange
C- Green
D- Blue
E- Purple
F- Pink
G- Bleached
History, Classics, Anthropology:Â
If you’re majoring in History, Classics, or Anthropology, put yourself in someone else’s shoes. The color you should dye your hair depends on your natural hair color. If you have black or dark brown hair, dye your hair blonde. If you have blonde or light brown hair, dye your hair dark brown or black. If you have ginger hair, flip a coin, heads being dark hair and tails being light hair.Â
Chemistry:Â
If you’re majoring in chemistry, your hair is bound to get chemical damage anyway, so it doesn’t really matter what you do with it. That’s why I’m proposing teal like oxidized copper. When dying your hair teal, it fades out to a weird sickly sea green color anyway, so when your hair inevitably gets damaged, no one will be able to tell, because it will already be faded.Â
Physics or Mathematics:Â
Let’s be honest. I’ve never met a completely sane person majoring in Physics or Mathematics. If you’re not in it for your own pain, you’re in it for somebody else’s. Bright red is the perfect shade to show how you’re not to be messed with, like a poisonous bug. At the same time, it represents your craving for psychological pain.
Business/Philosophy/Political Science:Â
If you are majoring in one of these three things, I suggest you dye your hair black, like your soul, which you have sold for either money, knowledge, or power, respectively. Fictional beings that have black hair? Vampires. If you came into school with emotions, your major sucked them out of you. If you’re not serving The Man when you get out of college, you’re becoming him. There’s no room for color when you’ve devoted your life to the grind.
Psychology, Sociology, Neuroscience:Â
Bleaching your hair is almost synonymous, at this point, with mental breakdowns, and if you’re majoring in Psychology, Sociology, or Neuroscience, I guarantee you’ve had at least one of those. Why not get it out of your system now? The best thing is, similar to hairstylists, if you’re a therapist with bleach blonde hair, it doesn’t make you less credible in your job. However, if you have commitment issues, bleach blonde is the worst way to go because it comes with danger and can’t be undone.Â
English:Â
One of my English professors majored in Political Science because he said that when he was in school, he thought English Writing majors were pretentious. And they are. Purple is often viewed as a royal color, because historically, only rich people were able to buy/wear it as the only place it could be harvested from was a rare snail. 2 + 2 = 4 and thus, the most pretentious major should get the most pretentious color: purple.
Communication/Theatre/Film:
If you’re a theater or film major, your next hair color should be that of your next role. I know that wigs exist, but theater majors exist just to spite anything that makes sense. I once knew a guy who shaved his head for a role he was playing in his high school’s spring musical. If you’re majoring in theater and film, your job depends on recreating scenarios that haven’t happened in real life. If someone says “you can’t,” it’s up to you and you alone to prove them wrong. You live your life, and the lives of any role you play, to the absolute fullest. Even if that means shaving your head.
Women’s Studies:
Blue hair and pronouns! Your goal is uprooting the status-quo, and as far as negative stereotypes go, blue takes the cake. Despite the jokes, blue is a really nice color that nicely complements all hair colors, especially darker ones that aren’t easy to dye. Taking on blue as a hair color is a sure way to empower yourself and those around you, because you really don’t care what anyone else thinks.