When I was little, I believed that I would date my future husband for ten years. Ten years. For you Lit and Soc majors who haven’t taken math since junior year of high school like me, that’s an entire decade, and entirely too long to date someone before tying the knot. That is, unless you’re a social anomaly like my parents, who were high school and college sweethearts and have an unbelievably cute “how we met” story. Think a school bus, a math book, and a cute girl sitting behind a cute boy. I, on the other hand, did not happen to have the same sophomore Algebra book as my soul mate, and have now found myself in my senior year of college happily single.
That’s right; I said it. Happily single. And here’s why.
I would rather be alone and content than together and unhappy.
I want to start by saying that this is not a statement against those who have found great guys on and off campus, or those who have an especially gorgeous piece of jewelry on their left hand. This instead is about why it’s sometimes important to take some steps by yourself before you walk on with someone else. After dating someone for three years and realizing I was unhappy, I decided it was because I needed time to myself to figure out who I was before I become something to someone else. After realizing I was staying with him to make his picture-perfect world he had drawn up become reality, but that mine didn’t match up, I knew I had to leave. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard my friends say that they’re staying with their guy because they don’t want to upset him. They believe that as long as he’s happy, they will be as well. But here’s the truth: Basing your own happiness on the happiness of someone else just doesn’t work, no matter how noble your intentions or how forcefully you make yourself believe the contrary. If you are with someone because you don’t want to break up with them and make them sad, you’re doing both yourself and him a disservice. Eventually you won’t be happy and neither will he. Sometimes you have to hunt happiness all on your own. And then, and only then, can you begin to make someone else happy.
Two words: guy friends.
They forget to put the toilet seat down when they visit, they haven’t seen Natalie Portman’s latest movie, and they have no preference over if you wear your red or black shirt out, but they’re not supposed to (toilet seat aside). That’s because they’re your guy friends. These are the people who you go to lunch with and don’t have to wrestle over the check (because it’s definitely not a date), who will go with you to see that deliciously gory war movie none of you chick-flick-loving friends will see, and whose place you can crash at when your bed seems too far away after a night out. All of these instances get a bit weird when you throw a significant other into the mix. It normally starts innocently enough, with the boyfriend in question being totally cool with all your guy friends. But then the jealous envy monster slowly begins to creep in, and soon you’re telling him green just isn’t his color. It’s not that they’re completely wrong. A writing professor I had my sophomore year had an interesting theory about guys and girls being friends: It’s impossible without someone being attracted to the other. Here, you may scoff and say that’s not true, that you have plenty of guy friends you’re not interested in. Fair enough, but that may be because they are the ones attracted to you. In any case, guy friends are that pair of shoes you have hidden in your closet that are extremely comfortable and sometimes cute, but that you would never wear on a date. And sometimes, these shoes beat your pair of sexy stilettos, hands down.
My 5 close girl friends > 1 guy who may or may not call. It’s simple math.
I’m talking about that nice guy you met out the other night, who was so sweet when he asked you your number, and who has suddenly become so busy a text message takes up too much time. We all know that guy. And we also know the guy who you’ve dated who texts you every 5 minutes and misses you when you can’t hang out one night. Until these boys can find that happy medium, you’ve got your girl friends. For those of you who are Grey’s Anatomy fans, (can I get a McDreamy?) this quote from Meredith to her bestie Christina comes to mind: “Derek is the love of my life, but you’re my soul mate.” Whoever said that the most important people in our lives aren’t the ones who have been there through the guy nightmares, the made-for-TV family dramas, and our mini breakdowns? The time I’ve spent with my girl friends this year, making new ones and maintaining the old ones, may be more valuable than any time I’ve had with a guy, mostly because they get it. There aren’t any complex girl friendship rules about calling or dating, no vows about staying together or broken hearts, just the understanding that we will be there for each other when the other one needs it. We can each have more than one girl friend at once, and we understand each other in different ways. Sometimes guys are threatened by their girlfriend’s gal pals, not to mention feel like they have to compete with them for time. When you’re single, the only problem you have is figuring out at whose house you want to meet for your get-together.
I get to be selfish about my future, and not feel bad about it.
In a close second behind, “Are you dating anyone?” is the other dreaded question, “What are you doing when you graduate?” While I would love to answer that I have my entire life for the near future figured out, that I know where I’ll will work and live, and what my job description will be, I cannot. Instead, I simply smile and say, “Whatever I want.” And for the most part, Nobel Prize Winner in Physics and super villain in a Marvel comic aside, I can. There is a certain freedom that comes from the ability to design your own future, even if the not knowing makes the blood drain from your face at times. But if you’re in a relationship, especially a new one, there are a few more entanglements you’re going to face come graduation day if you plan to stay together. There are few things worse than long distance dating, especially when you’re not sure how into the relationship you are in the first place. The time you spend finding a job, a place to live, and a life after school in general is complicated enough, much less trying to synch it with someone else’s dreams about their future. While right now you may feel like it’s worth it (and it might be), you might also end up making some sacrifices you both didn’t want to have to make, whether it be the job you’ve waited 6 months for, or the skype date every night at 6pm instead of real face time. Give yourself some credit, you’re worth more than that. Especially if the relationship is less than a semester old, the trade-in may not be worth your own personal happiness. And that’s not what you spent the past few years here working toward.
So ladies and gents, these are just a few reasons I am lovin’ the single life. If you want to hear more, I’m sure you can find me out and about. I’ll be the one sitting in a group of girls talking about the weekend, and wearing my cute, comfy shoes.
This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at DePauw chapter.