Lonely, But Not Alone

Voices bustle around me and flit with the excitement of spring days to come. They hold hope in their tone and look to their friends for validation. They are indeed in this precise moment in time. Vibrant colors of red and blue paired with outstretched toned legs cross campus and eagerly arrive at their destination. People surround me who are crying, laughing, joyously running to their significant others, anxiously ticking away the clock, and are hopeful for what is to come.  

Then why does it feel so incredibly lonely here? 

My journey to be in university has not been a quick path, yet I have found wonderful friends despite it. I have a support system who loves me from my hometown. I have had the same best friend for seven years now, whom I have known since I was five. I will always say that my dog is the cutest in the world. I would do anything for my younger brother. Despite all of these loving humans by my side, why does college feel so incredibly isolating? 

There is pressure to be constantly stimulated by peers. As a freshman, it is utterly overwhelming to have this demand placed on me. I feel as though I am trying to keep my head above water while also finding time for myself to just be. There is a balance between the extraverted side of myself and the side that is so exhausted. I am tired of trying to constantly appear okay. I am tired of the “requirements” I have placed on myself. I am tired of trying to find my place in this new setting. 

Have I done it? I would like to think I have found my place. I have pushed myself to form new connections with those around me. I love who I have surrounded myself with and, at the same time, I cannot ignore this part of me that feels isolated. This part of me was formed to protect myself, but I do not know from what. I am still learning, still growing into my identity. I am finding what is true for myself which includes more than purely education. My dreams, desires, wishes, fears are all to be discovered as I age. With that comes a responsibility to myself: to uphold my values and trust in those around me. My hope is, with time, this feeling of loneliness will subside. For now, I acknowledge its presence and allow it to feel alongside me.