I’ve heard the phrase dozens of times. In discussion with college advisors and counselors in high school. From friends and family members when I told them where I would be attending college. My sisters and cousins say it often. It’s been spoken in conversation with upperclassmen during my first few weeks on campus. Even professors have used it when talking to me.
Imposter Syndrome.
I’ve known that phrase for a long time. A couple of years ago, when I was first introduced to it, I felt relieved. I didn’t realize there was a phrase that so well captured how I felt when I entered most academic settings. I was in a state-sponsored gifted students summer program when I went to a seminar about Imposter Syndrome, and it was during that time that I experienced my worst symptoms of the syndrome.
That is, until I came to Duke. As soon as I accepted my offer of admission I began to prepare myself for the feelings of inadequacy I would feel on a campus like Duke. I knew there would be many times when I would be surrounded by people who seemed so much smarter and more accomplished than me. I was intentional in constantly reminding myself that I earned my place at the institution just like everyone else. And it worked.
Until midterm season happened.
During my tour of Duke in my senior year of high school, I pretty much ignored the current students when they warned us about midterms. I thought to myself, how hard could it be? I took plenty of midterms in high school. However, I quickly learned that a new environment brought a whole new set of challenges. Continuing to adjust to a new environment around some of the most brilliant people I’ve ever met turned out to not be the ideal condition for me. So, here are four concerns and one revelation I reached during my very first midterm season at Duke University.
One: Do I Even Know Anything At All?
As I sat in my dorm reading seventeenth century texts written by men who didn’t think people who looked like me were even human, I asked myself, do I even know anything at all? information seemed to escape my mind, and I barely understood anything. It was as though I was reading a foregin language, something I was never intended to be able to decipher. Yet here I was, preparing to be graded on that information. However, my concern was not limited to that single class. For every class, I wondered if I was even capable of intelligently analysing any of our assigned readings. It was as though something was missing, like I skipped an entire course of background information.
Two: Is it Even Worth It?
I pondered this question as I sat in the common room of a dorm I didn’t live in at 2 o’clock in the morning. I had been working for hours and saw no end in sight. My exam was in the morning but I felt completely unprepared. I imagined the long night ahead of me, the struggle of getting myself to class in the morning, and the thought of dragging myself through campus with almost no sleep. I had to ask myself, is it even worth it? I debated whether I should sleep or study. What happens if I stay up all night and I still fail, I thought to myself. That would mean that the pain I put my body through would have been for nothing. But then I imagined my hard work actually paying off in the end. What if things actually worked out, and I ended up doing well? That would make everything worth it, right? In the end, sleep had to wait. I reasoned that I would give it all I could, and that I couldn’t regret that.
Third: Does Anyone Else Have to Work As Hard As I Do?
Ironically, this question popped into my head at the same time that the previous one did. I thought to myself, is anyone else here even working that hard? Does anyone else need to? It seemed as though everyone around me glided through class and continued to do so during midterm season. I wondered why things came so hard to me, while everyone else seemed to be doing just fine. Was I just not as smart as anyone else? Was I just terrible at managing my time? Was I making all the wrong decisions? I wondered if working hard would even make a difference. Maybe my best wasn’t good enough to begin with.
Four: Do I Even belong Here?
This question always arises after a series of worries runs through my mind. Every day and night of the past week, I questioned my place at Duke. I struggled to get through my papers and exams, and I wondered if that was a sign. I thought that maybe the difficulty meant that the institution was too hard for me, or that I wasn’t good enough. I had never felt that level of imposter syndrome before, and it robbed me of all of my energy for days.
Midterm Season is just that …a season.
Towards the end of my week, I began to see slivers of hope. There was an end in sight; I just had to make it through. My questions and symptoms of imposter syndrome would surely pass. After all, seasons come and go. I would, and did, make it through my toughest week at Duke so far. My worries were valid, and it is important to do well on exams. That being said, it is also important to realize that not every day or week will be that hard. And even when things are hard, my struggles do not define the type of student or person I am. I can’t compare my work style, schedule or process to anyone else’s, and it’s impossible to even know what other people are really going through during midterm season. This won’t be my last season, and it certainly won’t be my last encounter with feelings of uncertainty. However, I hope that I can at least take with me this last revelation from my very first experience with midterm season.