All this recent awareness about Duke’s statute of limitations has made me think a lot about sexual harassment in general. Although the statute of limitations has been completely removed, this policy change won’t magically cause sexual harassment to stop happening. It’s fine to celebrate this move on the administration’s part, but there are still plenty of unspoken issues that plague our social scene.
During my o-week at Duke, I showed up late to the “mandatory” Blue Devil Welcome. By the time I swiped in and found a seat in Griffith Theatre, they had already separated the girls from the guys and were presenting us with sobering facts.
“By the time you graduate, one in four of you will have been sexually assaulted.”
“North Carolina considers your body a container, so if you’re stopped by ALE out in Durham, you could be cited for a minor-in-possession.”
You get the idea. At the time, I thought it was absolutely unbelievable that ONE in FOUR girls in my class would be sexually assaulted by the time we graduated… but again, I was also that girl who carried pepper spray every time I left campus for the first month. I came into college thinking that sexual assault meant that I was going to be physically pinned down and raped in a dark alley or car somewhere. Now, I know that I was so, so wrong.
Duke and North Carolina define sexual assault as “any sex act against your will, without your consent, or when you are unable to freely give consent”1. This definition also includes situations where one or both parties are drunk, coerced, or isolated. Granted, a lot of sexual encounters happen after people consume a little liquid courage, and this in itself does not mean that sexual assault occurred. However, alcohol definitely makes us underplay the consequences of our actions, and I doubt that there is anyone out there who can truly say that they’ve never regretted a situation that occurred as a result of being really wasted.
I am not saying that every time I woke up regretting something from a hookup the night before, I was sexually assaulted. Nor am I saying that guys don’t ever wake up feeling guilty or ashamed as well. But honestly, males in our age bracket just have a higher sex drive than we do. They’re more likely to beg/convince/assume that we’re just as horny as they are. And sometimes we are. But there’s always that difficult moment when you get propositioned at Shooters and you have to choose in your drunken stupor whether or not you want to go home with this boy. If you say no, he may never talk to you again and there will be a missed chance at a connection. If you say yes, he may think lowly of you and never talk to you again afterwards.
It sounds cynical, but for the most part, if you’re partaking in the random hookup game, the only way to avoid losing is if you have no emotional expectations. This kind of catch-22 by no means falls under the normal definition of sexual assault, but c’mon. This is coercion, and no one is truly at blame. Take some socialization, couple it with a little bit of double standards, and you have a recipe for an uneven playing ground when it comes to hookups and dating. Girls are taught to be pure yet sexy, aiming for an image of effortless perfection, whereas guys are applauded for bagging as many hotties as possible and being funny ***holes. (Generalization again, but really the nerds don’t quite do as well as the jerks in this area.)
When you think about it, it shouldn’t be surprising that roughly 25% of girls at Duke experience sexual assault. Greeks and upperclassmen influence a lot of the social scene here, as is true for most other schools. These boys tend to be more experienced or may have greater expectations when it comes to sex and hooking up. They throw the parties, and girls, freshmen especially, are at their mercy for procuring alcohol. And of course, there’s also the status element: girls will always love older boys in “good frats” and brag about getting asked to date functions/semis/formals, but that’s another whole issue. Just because you go with a boy to his formal, it doesn’t mean you’re obligated to hookup with him, right? In theory, this should be true, but he’s paid for your transportation/meal/hotel room and we live in a barter society. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned—unless it’s a man who was expecting a little something something and instead got nothing.
While all of this may be true, just simply pointing it out won’t change anything. But as girls, we have the power to do something. We should all stop slut-shaming and holding one another to double standards. Everyone has different comfort zones and if something makes you feel uncomfortable, then it’s perfectly fine to stop doing it. Really. If the guy actually wants you to bend your morals for a one-night stand, then screw him. Not literally. But you’re better off without him anyway, and sleeping with him because you feel like you have to isn’t going to make anyone happier in the long run. Pity sex sucks for both parties and nothing good or lasting will come of it. And by no means should you report every incident that makes you feel guilty as a “sexual assault,” either. We all remember what happened in the lacrosse scandal. However, if a sexual act occurred that was genuinely against your will and you had no say, please, please take advantage of the sexual assault policy that Duke students fought so hard to instill. There is no shame in this.
In the meantime, let’s learn to be assertive. “No” is a powerful word, and until you learn to use it powerfully, you will have a difficult time loving yourself and the choices you make. Passivity is boring and unattractive, and ladies, we’re better than that.
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