It’s beginning to look a lot like midterms season and for those, like myself, who are still in disbelief of the upcoming final exams apocalypse, I have two words for you: Miley Cyrus.
Yes, the inaccurately named Princess of Twerk released a new album this month! After an extensive listen to Miley’s new album, Bangerz, I got to see an emotional depth from Miley that I had yet to see from her. She delivers a great mix of pop dance tunes and emotionally charged ballads that saves her from the banality commonly associated with pop artists like Katy Perry. However, Bangerz’s greatest strength is that it not only tells the story of what happens when a boy breaks a girl’s heart (#thanksLiam) but also when midterms break students’ souls.
I hope I’m not the only one who has noticed the way time bends in college. That phone date with the bestie was last night, not tomorrow night. It has actually been a week since you last called your parents, not the two days you thought it was. And yes, the midterm you thought you had a week to study for is actually tomorrow. Cue the meltdown.
Surprisingly, Bangerz prophesizes the meltdown. A close examination of her newest album reveals the 5 phases of any proper meltdown. Miley paints the perfect college meltdown from the initial shock to the conclusion.
I present The Meltdown
1. Anger – Wrecking Ball
Miley’s power ballad Wrecking Ball represents the first stage in the meltdown. This stage starts with the initial shock, usually in the form of a friend asking if you’ve started studying for the midterm that’s 30% of your final exam. The answer: No. #lettheFbombscommence
Probably the most aggressive phase of the meltdown, anything within your path has cause to worry, phones realize their aerodynamic potential, and the dorm finally grasps just how loud you can yell. The stage terminates only when you’ve exhausted your stores of energy. Miley appropriately describes the gut-wrenching sensation with her wrecking ball simile. Sadly, this is one wrecking ball you can’t ride au natural.
2. Bad B*tch – Do My Thang
Promptly after the first stage comes my favorite stage. This stage is a combination of your inner fierceness and overall bad bitch mentality coming out right when you need it. Ain’t nobody going to check you, including some lame attempt at a final exam. You unhurriedly head to your secret study location with no fear that you’ll have enough time. Like Miley said “every single night, and every single day, Imma do my thang” and like Miley, this is just one more night while you’re doing your thang.
3. More Anger – FU
This is more or less a timed phase. It really depends on when your exam begins the next day. For the unfortunate early morning examiners it’s around 4am and for the late afternoon examiners it’s about 9am when you realize that one-hour nap became a four-hour siesta.
During this stage your roommate will be trying to guess whether you’re cussing up a storm or just singing the chorus to Miley’s FU. This pop anthem describes the inner angst that’s been building inside of you since the start of this massive coup d’etat against your life. Stage three is when you completely release ALL of it. When all of this is over you only have two letters for you, one of them is F and the other one is U.
4. Calm Determination – We Can’t Stop
Miley’s summer anthem is a welcomed addition to this list. We Can’t Stop tells the tale of the calm determination that takes over you as you keep studying. Nothing can stop you and nothing scares you. You are in your utmost prime and no midterm, exam, essay, etc. is going to stop you from succeeding. Many confuse this with the final stage because of the euphoria produced. This is your house and you make all the rules, which means this midterm is totally screwed.
5. Bad B*tch cont. – SMS (Bangerz)
I lied before. This is actually my favorite stage, Bad B*tch cont. The difference between the first BB stage is that here the midterm becomes insignificant. Your inner diva releases you from the trivial concerns of mere mortals. Right now you are a goddess of fierceness and can’t nobody stop you from strutting your stuff down the runway of life. So divas, once you reach this stage, don’t worry about any silly midterm cause not only will you ace it, but you’ll be looking mighty fine while doing it. #strutmystuff