As we start to prepare for the winter, along with that comes the holiday season. With Thanksgiving, Christmas, the New Year, and many others soon, this is the beginning of one of the most stressful times of the year. While many are ready for the holidays to remember traditions, and feel the ‘holiday spirit’, others are starting to feel the looming dread of holiday grief.
A little over 3 years ago, my mom passed away from a heart attack. Since then, holidays have never been the same. She became a brighter person every year once the leaves started changing colors; with killer Halloween décor, a Thanksgiving feast fit for an army, and a picture-perfect Christmas tree, she could never disappoint. That was until she wasn’t there to do them. Growing up, I always complained about all the work that went into these celebrations, and how it was always too over-the-top (except for Halloween, because it’s hands-down the best!). Since then, my family and I haven’t truly celebrated the holidays, which was also made difficult by moving away to Eastern last year. However, I decided this year I wanted to do it differently.
When looking up things to help cope with holiday grief I found a couple of recurring themes from Vitas Healthcare and Choosing Therapy:
- Surround yourself with people you love
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Having others around you that you love, and who love you is important in your day-to-day life, but it’s especially important during these times. Don’t feel like you need to push the people around you away. Vitas states, “Memories can sometimes be a source of comfort to the bereaved, so share them by telling stories and looking at photo albums.”
- Allow yourself to feel your feelings
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The holidays can bring forth many emotions, joy, sadness, and even anger. It is perfectly natural to have these feelings, be sure not to judge yourself for having them (Choosing Therapy). Accept the feelings and take a moment to yourself to feel them in a safe space.
- Create new/Honor old traditions
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This can be as simple as having someone new take over a role your family member used to do, such as, who’s cutting the turkey or putting on the tree topper. Or it can be a complete overhaul of new traditions to create new memories for your family. Something I never did with my mom was watch movies for Halloween, (She was the type to listen to spooky music while handing out candy) but now with my dad and stepmom, we must watch scary movies.
- Don’t cancel holidays forever
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Although it seems easy to just scrap everything during the holidays, I can attest to the fact that it is not. It’s very hard to watch everyone around you doing the holidays and be completely desolate. Though, I do agree that the first year gets a pass, it should not last forever. Choosing Therapy shares a quote from Mark Bigley, LCSW, “Resistance to grief increases suffering and can even go as far as to expand it to the point of distorting what the holidays can offer us in the here and now.”
My Advice: Don’t lose the memories you had to the grief you’re feeling. Make it an indication of how happy your family or friends and you were in those days, and how you can honor them moving forward.