Over the course of this year, I have learned a lot about myself. It took a long time, but I finally feel like I have a grasp on reality and my ability to complete tasks and enjoy life. I want to share the things I learned about myself because I hope that it will help you recognize things about yourself that you might not have noticed before.
1.) I learned that I had a lot of negative people in my life.
Sometimes it can be difficult to recognize, but once you do you can work to fix it. I’m not saying to start cutting people out immediately, but it’s important to know who is having a negative impact on you. Truthfully, it’s usually the people you least expect: the person you thought was your best friend, the people you spent every waking hour with, etc. I realized that I was fighting for relationships that I never stood a chance in. I’ll admit, that realization hurts, but it is nothing compared to the damage they are doing day in and day out by pretending to be your friend. Sometimes, it can be your choice to leave, and other times it isn’t. No matter what though, chasing people who don’t want you around is never going to make you feel good. Having a healthy mental state is the most important thing, and if these people are hurting it, it is time to let go. It can be challenging and scary; you might feel like you are alone, but you are not, I promise.
2.) I learned who my real friends were.
This is what I meant when I said you weren’t alone. Friends manifest in mysterious ways. I realized that I had been fighting so hard for friendships that were abusive, that I wasn’t fighting for the friendships that weren’t. Some of my now-close friends were friends I unknowingly ignored for a long time. Be aware of the people who never leave your side no matter how long it has been since you last spoke. Nine out of ten times those are the friends who love you the most.
3.) I learned that my happiness can’t come from the people around me.
I was relying on my friends to make me happy, and that is unfair on a lot of different levels. The reason why I was always feeling depressed or anxious was because I feared losing people who, if given the chance, who get rid of me in a heartbeat. Relying on other people is exhausting, and when the people who you rely on hurt you (on purpose or by accident; it doesn’t matter), you risk spiraling out of control. Keeping a healthy mind is so important, and the best way to do that is to stop relying on people 100% of the time. Do something for you that will make you happy instead, because you are much more reliable than most of the people you’re currently friends with, I guarantee it.
4.) I learned that even when I think I can’t do things, I can definitely do them.
You know when someone tells you to do something, but it looks so overwhelming that your first thought is to panic? Well yeah…about that, its just your thoughts. Sure I mean there will always be limitations to the things you are able to do, but everyone is capable of learning things with enough time, so if you mess up, or don’t understand something right away, don’t worry about it! Even when things look daunting, with time, you’ll be a pro, you just need to believe that you can do it. It is hard when you’re not confident, but every overwhelming thing that you practice doing will get easier with time. The more you do it, the better you get!
5.) I learned that when I want something, I will do anything to get it.
I knew from the start that I was someone who would fight for what I wanted, I am a Slytherin after all. I just never realized that my limitations didn’t matter. I was living my life avoiding things I wanted because I didn’t think that I would be able to get them. However, after realizing that I can do anything, I soon realized that I could get anything I wanted with enough hard work. I’m no longer someone who can get pushed to the side for someone else who is more confident. I am the confident one, and I am doing the pushing (gently of course). When I want something, I fight for it, because the passion I have for the things I love is worth more to me than people telling me I can’t do something. I can do it, and I will do it, because it is what I want.
6.) I learned that I don’t need validation from others.
Another piece of relying on others, but waiting for people to validate you isn’t going to make anything better. If you look in the mirror and you need someone to validate the way you look, ask yourself. You are your own worst critic, so anything you see or do that you don’t like, is probably not as bad as you think it is. Once you know how to validate yourself and your feelings (it is super tough to do, don’t get me wrong), when other people validate you it will feel even better. If you are confident, other people will see your confidence and confidence is the most beautiful accessory (as corny as that may be).
7.) I learned that apartment hunting can be really fun and really stressful.
A shift, I know, I’m sorry, but it is true. Especially in a city like Boston, apartments are expensive and hard to come by. They are tricky to get and it is the most scary, hectic process you can experience in college. But let me just tell you, if you make it stressful, it can only be stressful. Personally, I tried to make it as fun as possible when going to look for apartments because when you are having fun with your friends and soon-to-be-roommates, the stress doesn’t feel as bad. And, let me just tell you, when you finally find the perfect place and sign the lease, everything feels better almost instantly.
8.) I learned that sometimes you don’t need the the things you think you need.
This one gets a little tricky. In the past, I have always confused things I’ve wanted, with the things I’ve needed. Not because I don’t understand the difference, but because sometimes we are the last person to know what it is we actually need to be happy. I always thought that I needed someone to make me happy, but that was what I wanted because it was the easy way out. I didn’t want to try and make myself happy, so I told myself that I needed someone else to do it. I blamed it on my inability to make myself happy, however, that ability has been in me all along. All I’m trying to say is don’t pretend like you need something when you really just want it. Sometimes, no matter how much you want it, that thing will never be what you need it to be to make you a better person, and if you get hung up on needing it, you lose sight of all the other possibilities.
9.) I learned not to let me anxiety define or control me.
I’m someone who has had anxiety for as long as I can remember, and for a long part of my life, I let it control me. Recently however, I started taking control of little pieces of my life. I stopped letting anxiety get the better of me because it wasn’t worth it. I couldn’t do the things I wanted to do because it controlled me and I was just an anxious person, rather than a person who happens to have anxiety. My anxiety ruined a lot of things I should have enjoyed, and that made me more and more depressed. I decided that enough was enough, and that if I didn’t stop it from controlling me, I would end up in a place no one wants to be. Instead of fearing my anxiety, I’ve started to use it to my advantage. It’s not easy, and it never will be, but I don’t want people to know my anxiety before my personality. I don’t want to be the anxious friend anymore. I want to be the friend who, despite her anxiety, is always around and enjoying herself and her life.
10.) I learned that I am worth the whole damn world.
I think that this is the most important thing I have learned this year. Self-worth is hard to come by these days, and it’s actually pretty sad that a lot of people can’t see when they are worth more than the situation they keep themselves in. I realize for a lot of people it is hard to get out of abusive situations, and I, myself, am guilty of staying in relationships I shouldn’t have, but if you can find your self-worth, even a little bit of it every so often, you will be so much happier. It is really hard to love someone who you have hated for so long, and I think that is why I found it so hard to find the self-love I needed to determine my worth. With each piece of self-worth I found though, I grew more and more confident, and, as a result, more and more happy. I realized that I was letting people who I thought loved me (and who told me they loved me), treat me like I wasn’t worth their time or their energy. They treated me like I was a burden they had to deal with and I just let them do it. In finding who I am, I have realized that these people had complete control over me, and since I realized it, I’m no longer standing for it. I am beautiful, kind, honest, intelligent, caring, and loyal among many other things. I will fight for the people who fight for me, I will love the people who love me, and I will help the people who helped me. You are all worth so much more than relationships with people who don’t cherish you and love you. Surround yourself with people who build you up, not tear you down. The first step to believing it, is by telling yourself what you need to hear. Repeat it until there isn’t a doubt in your mind. I am worth the whole damn world, and no one, no matter who they are, can ever take that away from me.