5 Badly Reviewed Horror Movies

There are breezy nights that you want to spend curled up in your bed, watching a cute little rom-com. Then there are those freezing winter nights that you spend shivering as you watch a thrilling horror flick. And if you’re like me, those freezing winter nights usually turn into any night when you’re not feeling The Notebook (basically, every other day). But there are just some movies that leave you feeling…the opposite of fear. Tag along as I (badly) review some popular horror movies. 

1. A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

Here’s why I’m reviewing the newer version of The Nightmare on Elm Street: I tried to watch the original 1984 version three times and fell asleep before the first kill. Even Johnny Depp couldn’t save that.

Anyway, this version of The Nightmare on Elm Street starts with a blonde guy (Dean) who seems to be having some sort of a bad trip in which Freddy Krueger kills him. Outside in the real world, Dean’s girlfriend Kris and friend Nancy have to watch Dean kill himself. So a bunch of other kids are murdered in a similar fashion because sleep is important and Freddy Krueger is a killer. (Spoiler!) In the end, Nancy finds out that their parents set Freddy on fire without any actual evidence because some kids claimed that he hurt them. Nancy, with Quentin’s help, drags Freddy out of the dream world and they both kill him, in turn saving the rest of the kids in that preschool (at this point, its just the two of them). 

Here’s what’s good: There’s a pretty solid plot that they build over the course of the movie. 

Here’s what’s NOT good: There’s a scene when Nancy is taking a nap and Freddy is inside a wall and a human form stretches out of the wall to kill her. Yes, I get that it’s a dream, but no, I’m not stupid enough to think it’s scary. 

Also, keep it down with the gore, man.  

2. The Conjuring (2013)

There’s a creepy doll, Annabelle. A family moves into a new house and begins experiencing some weird paranormal activity. They get two paranormal investigators (a happy-ish couple) to help them out. After some sad jump scares and creepy shots of the doll, we find out that the root of all problems is the mother, who has been possessed. 

Note to self: The next time there are weird spots on your skin, go to the nearest paranormal investigators. Lotion isn’t the answer. 

In an unnecessarily long climax, they exorcize the demon out of the mother. And all is well. Until you see the words, “Based on a true story” pop up on screen. 

Here’s what’s good: There’s a scene in the beginning when the mother, Carolyn goes down to check the noises in the basement. As she is going up the stairs, someone grabs her leg and she falls down as the light switches off. Carolyn lights a matchstick that someone blows off and before we can react to that, someone claps next to her. That was the only time in the movie that I was remotely thrilled. 

Here’s what’s NOT good: There’s a lot, but lets talk about the scene in which the demon holds onto on of the daughters’ hair and pulls her around the house. While this is meant to be one of the scariest scenes in the movie, I straight up just laughed throughout the sequence. The fact that they cut her hair off to save her adds to the ridiculousness of the scene.  

3. Friday the 13th (2009) 

I heard the original is a classic, and I really hope it is, because the revamp isn’t. Another gore fest, the movie starts with an irresponsible and weed obsessed group of friends (because weed victims are the best victims) that get brutally murdered by Jason at Camp Crystal Lake. Cut to Clay Miller, aka Supernatural’s younger brother/ hunter Sam Winchester, who is there looking for his sister Whitney. The Millers have a tragic backstory that no one cares enough about to develop properly and Clay is convinced that his sister hasn’t run away and is missing, even though the cops don’t seem to believe him. He meets Danielle Panabaker who is playing Jenna, the only sweet girl in a group of obnoxious rich kids who decide to be a**holes to Clay. Jenna and Clay somehow end up on a romantic walk while Jason is out doing what he does best: killing annoying college kids. There are a bunch of gory scenes sprinkled with loads of nudity (for no reason whatsoever). It turns out, Whitney is actually alive. *Cue dramatic music.* How do Clay and Jenna manage to save Whitney from Jason who thinks Whitney is actually his mother, Pamela? Answer: By getting Jenna killed and then doing a really poor job of “killing” Jason. 

Here’s what’s good: Jared Padalecki and Danielle Panabaker make everything look good. 

Here’s what’s NOT good: Jared Padalecki and Danielle Panabaker have to make everything look good because the movie is just a mash-up of nauseating murders. 

P.S.: Why don’t the protagonists ever do a good job killing the bad guy? It’s not that hard, guys. There’s some specific spots you can target to kill a man. 

4. Paranormal Activity (2007)

My friends were raving about this movie. They told me that I wouldn’t sleep for days if I watched Paranormal Activity. So I borrowed the DVD and organized a nice little sleepover at my place to watch what was apparently the scariest movie of our generation. Here’s what I saw in the movie; a paranoid couple put cameras everywhere so that the audience watching the movie can have a headache and there was a really badly fixed bedroom door that kept opening and closing. And then I fell asleep. Honestly, the scariest thing about this movie to me is that someone thought it was a good idea to make it… And then make four other sequels. It’s scary that there are people who actually spent money to watch this! That’s like willingly paying for an hour-and-a half-long, sleep-inducing headache. 

Here’s what’s good: The music is so boring, you will have no problem falling asleep to it. 

Here’s what’s NOT good: They market it as a scary movie.  

5. The Blair Witch Project (1999)

Okay, I did NOT realize that this movie came out in 1999. That means I was two years old when Heather, Michael and Joshua made terrible decisions that ended up getting them killed. The Blair Witch Project was one of the first movies to do the whole “let’s annoy the audience with bad camera angles and handy-cam filters.” It’s pretty creative, but I can’t help but hate the fact that 200 other films followed this trend. 

So, the story is fairly simple: three filmmaking students venture out into the forest in Maryland to find out more about the Blair Witch who apparently forced Rustin Parr to sadistically murder seven children (murdered children, insane dudes and a witch. I love this movie). Thanks to Michael, they get lost and decide to head south (deeper into the woods and closer to death), ignoring signs that there is a witch cackling at them during the nights and building cairns (that is exactly what I would do if I was a witch and I wanted to kill some kids, by the way). They keep going in circles, lose one of their members (you will be missed, Joshua) and hear his screams in the night (now we’re talking). Heather, being the clever one, finally realizes that something is hunting them and that they will eventually die. She films herself apologizing to everyone and their families. Michael and Heather hear Joshua’s screams of agony and follow it to an abandoned house in the woods—even though Heather has come to the conclusion that Joshua is dead—and get themselves killed, ending the footage. 

Here’s what’s good: It’s a pretty interesting plot and the suspense literally kills the three main characters, and metaphorically, the audience. 

Here’s what’s NOT good: Despite having its moments, The Blair Witch Project only manages to spark curiosity, not scares.  

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