It’s that time of year again when I can’t tell if I want a boyfriend or if it’s just getting dark out. I can’t deny the fact that I’m lonely. I enjoy being alone but I’m not a lonely person. I don’t like who I am when I’m feeling lonely–like a deflated balloon getting blown from gutter to gutter. The descent into winter never helps. Being in college doesn’t help either.
Although I’m surrounded by peers most of the time, college has been the most isolating time in my life. I’ve struggled with making and keeping friends, connecting with new people, and being vulnerable. Although I try, every year, I cannot escape the dull, poignant beating of loneliness.
And I’m not the only one! The United States Public Health Services1 found that between 2003 and 2020, the amount of time an individual spends alone rose to 24 hours a month. The time spent with friends decreased to 20 hours per month for people aged 15 to 24. Health Services states “The COVID-19 Pandemic accelerated trends in declining social participation”, meaning rates have only dropped further over the past four years.
I know this feeling is normal and I know it’ll pass, but if you’re anything like me, you need steps that lead you towards something, not stuck in a single rut. Here are six things that you and I can practice to combat our impending loneliness.
1. Count your blessings
In more static terms, find what you’re grateful for. It’s really easy to start spiraling when you feel isolated and it’s necessary to remind yourself of the good things that the world has to offer you. Odds are that you have a pet at home, someone who loves you deeply, and a warm bed to curl up in at night. These are the things we can try to focus on when feeling down.
2. Access the Good things
Open yourself up to the people who want to love you. Reach out to them. Center yourself. Sometimes a reminder of the good things we have isn’t enough. It takes the action of experiencing them to do the trick. Even if they are not close by, shoot them a text or a call. Even something as simple as “I’m thinking about you” or “Let’s catch up!”. I often find that I distance myself from friends or family because I feel tired or busy or don’t have the energy to talk about my feelings. But when I push myself to spend time with people I know care for me, it makes a world of difference and I leave that interaction feeling somewhat whole again.
3. Practice self care
I know, I know, this is an obvious one, but it helps. Self-care can be anything but picking a few things that are simple and beneficial to your lifestyle; Going on a walk, cooking yourself a delicious meal, taking a hot shower, etc. Really it can be anything that brings you peace and is good for you.
4. Put your phone down
Social media only makes us feel more alone. That’s a fact. And seeing what other people are up to while you’re lying in bed surely will not make you feel any better. It will only accelerate the spiral of loneliness. Find something to do other than scrolling. If you don’t have the energy to get up and go out, rewatch your favorite TV show, call a friend or a family member, stretch, draw. The world outside your phone is better than the blue light.
6. keep busy
Don’t get me wrong, it’s important to acknowledge your feelings but it’s easy to get caught up in them if you’re not careful. Keeping busy is a good way to devote your energy to things other than loneliness. Mindful distractions can be good. Allot time for rest and relaxation throughout the day, but keep a full schedule so that you don’t stew in those negative feelings for too long.
5. Push yourself
This is the hardest one to accomplish as it might take some tough love. If you want things to change, change them! While I’m in a spiraling state of loneliness, I wish for the presence of another person to help me feel better but I don’t ask a friend to hang out or call my mom, I stay right where I am. This does nothing! Loneliness is not something you need to conquer on your own but you still need to be proactive in the search for your happiness. Try something new, change up your schedule, and put yourself in a position to not feel isolated. And try not to isolate yourself more than you feel you already are. Give yourself grace. Acknowledge those feelings but don’t stew in them for too long. Soon, it’ll be time to get up and continue living.
Congratulate yourself for getting out of bed each day. These things are sappy and basic but even the biggest social butterflies need help lifting themselves up.
Vivek H. Murthy, Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation, www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf. 2023