Someone once told me to think of self-esteem as something you have a pot full of. When you help someone out emotionally, you’re giving them a spoonful of your self-esteem so that they can add it to their own pot. When you keep giving people some of your self-esteem to help them feel better (i.e. always being there for your friends no matter what, and never taking time off for yourself) your pot will eventually become empty. Here are some tips you can follow so that you can refill your pot.
1. Take time for yourself
I know this seems like a very obvious tip, but so many of us forget to do so. When your friends constantly need you to be their shoulder to lean on, it can feel selfish to take time off for yourself, and not be there for them constantly. However, it is important to remember that even though your friends are coming to you every time they have a problem, they will understand if you need time for yourself and can’t be there for them. Generally speaking, they probably have someone else to go to, so it is okay if you have a big assignment due the next day that you have to get done when your friend needs some support.
2. Do things you love
It is important to do the things you love, especially by yourself. If you want to binge-watch your favorite TV show for the 19th time, take your time doing it. I watch Phineas and Ferb when I need to get my mind off things, and I have no qualms admitting that I do. I go to my favorite museum in Boston all by myself. It helps me de-stress, and I make sure to do it alone, even if my friends want to make other plans with me. It is important to do things by yourself and for yourself.
3. Say no
When your friends are constantly coming to you for help, it can be hard to say no. Being there for people works in a weird way—it can be tiring and drain you of your self esteem, but it can also be super rewarding to help them out and feel like you’re a good friend/person. Sometimes your friends can come to you for help with the smallest things and as a friend you feel like you are obligated to help them, but the best thing for both of you is letting them do things by themselves and “for” themselves. I know it can feel a little insensitive, but running out to get food for them every night because they ask you to isn’t the best thing for either of you. They have to be able to do some things by themselves.
4. Get proper sleep (and eat enough food)
People always romanticize the idea of someone staying up all night to help a friend out, but it can be one of the most harmful behaviors you can cultivate. You need to get enough rest if you want to be up and working, and helping your friend deal with something the next day. If you stay up all night, there will be a point where you either stop listening to them, or you will snap at them for being in your space, both of which are not good things for your friendship. Also, take this as a reminder to eat food/drink water if you haven’t done so in a while.
5. Don’t take second-hand stress
It can be very easy to take on second-hand stress because your friends are stressed. We’re human, and empathetic, so it is natural that we feel bad if our friends are feeling bad. However, it is important to remind yourself that these bad situations aren’t happening to you, and that you stressing about them will get you nowhere. It could even render you unhelpful for your friend. It is important to keep calm when situations get bad, and remember to take some time off to breathe—it will help you get through things, and not empty your self-esteem pot while you’re at it.