Ah, Gossip Girl: the show that made us all bitter that we didn’t live on the Upper East Side, attend weekly lavish parties, and date Chuck Bass. I love Gossip Girl as much as the next gal, but after watching the series through a second time, I have some questions even five years after the final episode premiered and we all thanked our lucky stars that Chuck and Blair finally ended up together.
1. How did all of these underage teenagers get into so many bars? Let’s start with the basics. For more than half the run of the show, all of the main characters are under 21, yet they somehow are always getting into bars and ordering mimosas at restaurants. Are liquor licenses just not a thing on the upper east side? Who let these sixteen year olds into all the bars!
2. Why doesn’t anybody question the fact that Chuck literally talks in a whisper 100% of the time? I get it, Chuck Bass’s whispers are his most defining characteristic, and I’m not going to deny that it gives his favorite line, “I’m Chuck Bass”, that extra oomph we all love. But why does he talk like a serial killer? Was he born this way? I’d like to see footage of Chuck Bass as a child.
3. Why doesn’t anybody make a bigger deal out of Dan and Serena still having feelings for each other after it’s revealed they are technically related? Rufus and Lily not only had a love child (the same age as Serena and Dan I might add, which seems like fishy timing), they later got married, making Serena and Dan stepsiblings for several seasons. Yet they still have feelings for each other and even share a kiss here and there. Lily and Rufus eventually got a divorce, but that doesn’t change the fact that Dan and Serena still share a living, breathing sibling when they eventually get married themselves in the final episode. Why doesn’t anybody care about this????
4. How come nobody tells Dan what a bad idea that hair was in season 5? Alright, this is a bit of a cop out, but come on, Dan. You don’t look like a trendy young writer; you look like an idiot with bad hair. I’m disappointed Blair didn’t put a stop to this.
Blair isn’t wrong, Dan. She isn’t wrong.
5. Were Dan and Blair ever a good idea? Speaking of Dan and Blair, let’s talk about that ill-fated relationship. During its six-season run, Gossip Girl gave us some iffy plotlines, but this had to be one of the most unnecessary ones. Dan and Blair never made sense together: they didn’t get along for four seasons, and then suddenly they develop feelings for each other? I don’t buy it. The main driving force behind their relationship was that they had common ground that neither could find with any of the other main characters, but if that was really true, why did it take so long to uncover these commonalities? It was sweet that Dan was such a good friend to Blair amidst all the Louis drama, but their relationship honestly seems like something the producers threw in just to keep us dedicated viewers on our toes. Best to leave the task of braving a relationship with Blair Waldorf to Chuck.
6. How did they keep the Ivy/Charlie secret in for so long? This plotline just went on and on for way too long, and logistically, it definitely should not have. Maybe back before social media took over our lives, Ivy could actually have gotten away with this little game for as long as she did. But in the present day, there is no way nobody wouldn’t have found out she was an imposter. For starters, where did she get that license? How was Carol able to get all that money transferred to a bank account without her actual daughter finding out and being like, “Hey mom, where did all this money come from?” Also, how in the world did Ivy manage to escape jail here? She committed fraud, and as we all know from Dwight Schrute, identity theft is not a joke, Jim!!
7. How did they take all those high quality photos with their flip phones? Last I checked, my LG env3 took grainy, terrible-quality pictures even up close. How were all these people taking clear, high resolution pictures from across the street to rat everyone out to Gossip Girl with these phones? Honestly, this is probably the most unrealistic thing about the show.
8. If they knew how to hack into Gossip Girl all along, why didn’t they do something about it sooner? Remember when Jonathan admitted to being able to hack into Gossip Girl? Or when Serena gained access to the account from Georgina? If they knew how to hack into the blog for so long, why didn’t they try to catch Gossip Girl sooner? During the show’s six-season run, there are really only two or three attempts to find out who she is and stop her from dropping gossip bombs that ruin lives. Maybe I’ve seen too many episodes of Pretty Little Liars, but wouldn’t you think that the subjects of the ruthless gossip attacks would be a little curious as to who was behind the blog? And if they knew how to hack into the account, wouldn’t that prompt them to try to figure out who runs it? Come on, you guys; dig a little deeper.
9. When did everyone drop out of college? Unless I missed some major plot point, I don’t recall it ever being stated that all our favorite Upper East Siders just dropped out of the colleges they made such a big deal out of getting into. It does make more sense that these trust fund babies are out in the real world rather than seeking a higher education, but it definitely was never actually explained.
10. How did Blair manage to meet not one, but two men of royal descent? Granted, they both turned out pretty terribly (Marcus was sleeping with his own stepmom and Louis was just the worst) but still, it is not that easy to meet royalty out and about in everyday life. Is this an Upper East Side thing?
11. If Bart Bass was actually alive the whole time, who was in the coffin? Side note, if the wake was an open casket, how did they pull this off? Also, did Bart Bass low key bribe the doctors to go along with this bizarre scheme while he was pretending to die? This whole situation seems to have lots of holes.
12. Did the writers actually know who Gossip Girl was all along? Every true GG fan considers this question at least once or twice: was it always the plan for Dan to be the brains behind the blog, or was this a later-on-in-the-series decision? It makes sense that Dan, the ultimate outsider itching to be a part of the Upper East Side, would be the one to create Gossip Girl. But there are also many blasts Gossip Girl sent out that didn’t quite line up with Dan’s personal agenda, making us wonder if the writers actually planned for Dan to be Gossip Girl all along. Guess that’s one secret they’ll never tell…
You know you love me; XOXO, Gossip Girl.