Dear Freshmen

Dear Freshmen,
 
It’s time for us to talk.
 
Don’t worry, I’m not here to get mad at you for cutting in front of me in the stir-fry line at the DUC last night. But seriously, don’t do that anymore.  Waiting for 15 minutes in that line only to end up with somebody else’s bowl full of raw tofu and stanky cabbage instead of my juicy chicken an
d bell peppers is nothing to joke about. 
 
I’m also not here to tell you not to go to frat parties, or to say people won’t like you if you use your lanyard and wear your class of 2015 shirts.  I’m not here to advise you on which clubs to join, or give you a how-to-be-awesome tutorial (email me for that, I don’t do it for free obviously).  I haven’t avoided my homework all night in order to write you this heart-felt letter, just to tell you that you’re mediocre and/or say that because I’m one year older than you I am automatically one thousand percent cooler than you.  I am just here to give you a little advice. So here it is:
 
You’re only a freshman once. OWN IT.
 
Use your bright yellow lanyard (we all know how convenient it is). Cut in front of people in line every once in a
while (just not me).  Go to every themed party you can. “Forget” to do your reading the first week of class. Become a beer-pong connoisseur.  Ask a hot grad student for directions. Go to the fencing club’s interest meeting (It’s not dorky. Everybody knows Lindsay made it cool in The Parent Trap).
 
And when any of the aforementioned experiences go poorly, do not worry your fresh little heads.  You, my keen comrades, have a golden ticket. “Oops, sorry! I didn’t know… I’m a freshman.”  Those two sentences plus a slightly bewildered/apologetic face, and you are home free.  “You’re not ‘supposed’ to take an entire loaf of bread from the DUC? My bad, I’m a freshman.” “You’re not the guy I met at Maggie’s last night? My bad, I’m a freshman.”  You get the idea.
 
The point is this: it will never again be this acceptable to be so clueless and accidentally annoying. So run with it.
 
But beware my fledging Collegiettes™. Too much of this sort of behavior can quickly turn you from ear-piercing
summer-camp-era, Lindaey Lohan into post-Mean Girls, DUI-era Lindsay Lohan. And no amount of fencing club or marriage repairs is likely to get you out of that one. Just because she escaped the law and rehab with a few slaps on the wrist doesn’t mean her reputation stayed intact. And let’s be real, in college a destroyed reputation is the most insufferable punishment anyways. So be who you were always meant to be, shoot for the stars, or insert whatever other cliché you want here. Now is your time. Don’t mess it up.
 
But wait. We aren’t finished yet you fervent froshies. My awe-inspiring advice comes with a vital part II. Take advantage of freshman year like it’s your job.  But you must not, I repeat: you must not, be that freshman girl. I know what you’re thinking, that phrase is sooo ambiguous and overused.  But whatever, I’m not sorry I repeated it here.  Some things are overused for a reason.  Plus you totally pictured that girl right when you read that sentence, so the effect remains potent. But just to be clear, let me lay out a few examples:
 
That Drunk Girl:
 
Yay, college is so fun! OMG frat parties!
 
We all know how fun and exciting college is, especially early in the year before the onset of class-induced-guilt.
You get a Facebook notification like every hour inviting you to another ATeL event and you still spend your days sleeping and planning your nights. But unless you’re trying to star in Nikki Minaj’s remake of the Girls Fall like Dominoes music video (in which case you should drop out of college and save your parents’ money anyways) hold yourself together girl. Just because every time Nikki comes out “it’s like girls gone wild” doesn’t mean every time you go out it’s acceptable for you to go wild.
 
You are very much still in the first-impression-phase of freshman year.  And the domino effect in the front row passing out, with little bikini tops and X’s hanging out, although it does make for an inspiring rap, it does not make for a good first impression.  Don’t be the girl who everyone knows as “Sloptart.” Don’t be the girl dancing alone on the countertop, or the one getting carried home by her friends. That kind of Bad Girls’ Club behavior is unhealthy and dangerous, and most importantly it is almost inevitably followed by gross things like projectile vomit or shameful walks. Don’t be that girl.
 
That Over-Active and/or Over-intimate Cyber Girl
 
You all know what I mean. Probably at least 70 of your 700 Facebook friends could be classified as this girl. The
girl who updates her status on her smart phone every 36 seconds and completely congests your news feed. She posts sad song lyrics, and asks pathetic and ambiguous questions about heartbreak.  THIS JUST IN: nobody looking at your Facebook wants to read Red Jumpsuit Apparatus lyrics. Don’t get me wrong; I can appreciate the Internet as a new-age form of expression or whatever.  But making your status, “Nothing hurts worse than a broken heart…  
Similarly, statuses like, “THIRSTY THURSDAY TONIGHT WITH MY B3TCHE$, GONNA GET W@STED!!!!!!” are an equally as serious Facebook “don’t.” Not only is it not classy to talk about getting drunk in such a public environment, it is also risky if you’re under 21. And most importantly, drunk girl pay-attention-to-me-statuses make everyone seriously consider blocking you from their news feed.  And then who will comment on your song lyric statuses?  The lesson here is this: keep the frequency and content of your status updates under control, and instead use the Internet for more valuable social interaction, like sharing cute baby animal videos you “StumbleUpon,” or “liking” awkward new Facebook friendships. 
 
That Lives-Her-Life-Vicariously-Through-Pop-Culture Girl
           
 That’s literally a terrible name, sorry about it.  This girl, ladies, is a less talked about, but equally important that
girl.  This is the girl who procrastinates by obsessively refreshing the People website.  She memorizes Perez Hilton every day.  She knows who is macking on whom in Hollywood at any given millisecond.  She is the first one to post every YouTube video on your wall the moment it goes viral.  Chances are E! News is always playing in her room.  She is that girl who relates everything going on around her to an episode of The Hills. “Omigod! This party is just like when the Jersey Shore cast went to Italy!” Yeah, I guess. Or it’s like a real life party taking place at a real life college in your real life. I hope I have made the issue clear.
 
Pay attention though, there is rather a fine line between being this girl, and being a normal, cool and informed college student.  One of the greatest things about being on a college campus is that pretty much everyone gets it when you sing, “which seat can I taaaaaake?” But the point is, getting too caught up in everybody else’sE! News leaves you no time to make your own. Get off your computer and on with your life. You have DUC lines to cut in, themed parties to go to, and fencing to learn.
 
This advice my dear Collegiettes™ does not have an expiration date. And although I sincerely hope I have gotten to you soon enough, if you think you or someone you may know has indeed become that girl, reference this article immediately.  It’s never too late. With that said, I think it’s time for me to leave you to your self-evaluation and Stumbling.  I have more Nikki Minaj songs to memorize. Good luck.