Picking a time to have a “define the relationship” (DTR) conversation can be a tricky endeavor. On the one
hand, you definitely don’t want to be that girl who freaks out the guy you’re hooking up with for bringing up the “what are we?” conversation too early, but on the other hand it is important to know where you stand sometimes. You also don’t really want to be that girl who keeps things casual for so long that you get stuck in the hook up limbo phase that can never develop into anything more serious.
One thing you should understand, is that the real question in a guy’s mind is not “are we exclusive?” it’s “if I hook up with someone else, will she be mad?” This is where the DTR becomes important, because sometimes clarity can be the only thing that prevents a relationship-ending misunderstanding.
In any case, figurin
g out when the DTR conversation is appropriate to have can often be ambiguous territory. I wish I could offer you a go-to formula for when the DTR should go down. Hooking up for 3 weeks + 5 nights of sex X 10 sober conversations = DTR time. Unfortunately it does not work like that.
The best advice I can give is that each hook up and relationship plays itself out differently and all you can do is try to read the situa
tion. If you’ve been hooking up with someone for only two weeks, but talk to each other everyday, hang out during the daytime and not just at night, and hook up soberly and not just drunkenly, then depending on how comfortable you feel around each other, it could be time to figure out where you are in terms of hooking up with other people or becoming exclusive or whatever you’re looking for. Even though it’s only been two weeks, the other signs of the relationship indicate that it could become something more serious.
On the other hand, if you’ve been hooking up with someone for two months, but only talk to each other on weekends, don’t spen
d any time together during the day or even talk for that matter, and hook up only when your both drunk and horny, then even though its been two months, you don’t really have grounds to have a DTR conversation. This type of situation has the makings of something that will either stay casual until it peters out, or it will take a turn toward something more emotional and less physical, at which point a DTR may become appropriate.
Either way, diving into a preemptive DTR is a sure way to freak a guy out, so I would say to wait a little longer rather than s
horter if you’re unsure. Still, if there is emotional attachment, it is important that you put your cards out there because if one of you hooks up with someone else when the other had thought you were exclusive, even without an explicit DTR, then everyone is just gonna end up pi$$ed off.
That brings me to another point—if you haven’t spoken about being exclusive, don’t expect exclusivity. Nothing
pi$$es me off more than when a girl gets mad at me for hooking up with someone else when there have been no ground rules set and no limitations discussed. If you think you’re at a point in a relationship when you both shouldn’t be hooking up with other people, say that. Don’t expect him to get the idea through osmosis or some $h*t. There could be a case where the guy likes you, but because you haven’t discussed anything he thinks he has the right to hook up with other people. Only to find out that you didn’t want him to and now you’re pi$$ed and he’s f***ed everything up for an inconsequential make-out sesh.
SO be open and honest, but don’t perceive intimacy if the signs aren’t there. To reiterate; you have to feel out the situation and try to get a read on if you can see the indicators of something getting serious. If not, then you’re better off just keeping it casual until it takes a turn in one direction or the other.
That’s all I really have to say for this one, so until next time.
Keep it classy,
RLEG
This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at Emory chapter.