How to Really Win a M-A-N: Demistyfication of Rom Coms, Man-Winning Strategies, and Chick Lit

Our generation has been taught to ignore the conventional man-winning strategies of our grandparents. The
feminist empowerment of the twentieth century and every rom-com since Pretty Woman have taught us that women and men are equal, and we should not have to change ourselves to make men love us. Thanks Katherine Heigl and Susan B. Anthony. And a special thanks to Rene Zelweger. You take the cake, Down With Love is a (super mediocre) rom-com starring a feminist. What have we learned? This: There’s an exception to every rule, and I am obviously that exception.
 
Don’t worry, we all think it. 
 
I will be the unbelievably beneficial friend that JT finally attaches his N’sync strings to.  My best friend’s
beautiful, wealthy, successful lawyer fiancé, who also happens to have been my friend in law school first, will eventually propose to me and I’ll be faced with the very same moral dilemma as Ginnifer Goodwin in Something Borrowed (I am not sorry I saw that movie).  All of the “don’t be too this or too that’s” simply don’t apply to you.  The gender-equality activists and Ms. Norbury were right—you don’t have to fail calculus or make sandwiches while wearing an apron and pearls to win a man. All you need is fabulous Y-O-U… Right?
 
Debatable.
 

It’s a classic Friday night after an all but tasty meal at the DUC – with pedicures on your toes, tryin’ on all your clothes, and all you’re thinking is “sexy, can I?”  I mean face it, everyone, or at least you and that Zac Efron doppelganger in your econ class (you may recall him as the “naked hey” texter), came back from summer way hotter, and before you lapse into wearing big sweaters and leggings every day, you are determined to seal the deal. The first sign that your long-awaited rom-com destiny is about to come to fruition: you and ZEfron have a date.
 
So here you are in your built for a small child-sized Dobbs room (or equally priced luxurious resort-style
Longstreet suite) planning for the night ahead, and your roommate is listing (READ: reciting from Cosmo) a few timeless man-magnet strategies.  They most likely include, but are not limited to:

• Be smart, but not intimidating.
• Look sexy, but not trashy.
• Be cute, but not prepubescent.
• Be funny, but not annoying.
• Show interest, but absolutely do not be clingy.
• Be outgoing, but not overbearing.
• Wear perfume, but don’t smell like you’re going to walk the streets after dinner.
• Don’t order the surf & turf or just the mixed greens.
• Give him a little, but don’t go too far.
• Talk to him about guy stuff, but don’t pretend you really know about sports lest that actually sparks a conversation and you bring up Derek Jeter’s really impressive touchdown last Sunday.

 
The list goes on and on.
 
But as you’re getting ready—making sure the twins look their best without stealing all of the attention from your
face, applying hairspray individually to every one of the 30 curls on your head, asking your roommate “Are you sure this looks okay?” after every make-up step—ask yourself a question. If fate somehow decides to be on your side, and you get to see dopple-Zac again, are you willing to endure this self-induced primp torture again? And again?  Are you willing to watch SportsCenter every night before you go out with him?      
 
Your answer may be yes.  In which case, you may stop reading now, and this will have been a complete waste of your time, but you obviously have a lot of time to waste so I’m not sorry. But, if you’re normal, your answer is probably no—no I don’t want to lose anymore sleep debating whether he would like it more if I looked like Kim Kardashian or Jennifer Anniston and wondering what modern marvels I could possibly employ to make myself look like either one of them. No, I don’t want to memorize the Miami Heat’s Wikipedia page. Nobody else wants that for you either.
 
So the lesson here my dear Collegiettes™ : next time you begin your pre-date process, remember a few things. 
There will never be a foolproof man-winning equation; it’s always going to be a case-by-case kind of thing. That being said, the dating tips from Cosmo and the like do have some validity.  Ordering the most expensive thing on the menu is inconsiderate, but eating a cheeseburger isn’t going to be a deal-breaker.  And if you want any chance of actually getting a guy interested, try talking to him about something that is of more interest to him than Real Housewives. My only real advice: take all man-winning strategies with a grain of salt, keep watching rom coms, and remember: if you do pretend to fail calculus to win a man, you’ll probably end up throwing up in his lap.