Cell phone technology has come a long way since its first pop culture debut in 1987 when Michael Douglas
barked orders into his 10-pound “mobile” phone in Wall Street (the one before Shia). There is no way he could have foreseen, despite all his market-predicting powers, that 20 years later when people watched that scene the only thing anyone would be able to think about is how inconvenient it would be to actually carry that phone around. Cell phones probably legitimately take the cake as the coolest thing since sliced bread.
Flat tire in the middle of nowhere? No problemo, just call AAA. You feel awkward walking by your roommate’s ex-boyfriend? Woah, looks like you just got a text! Your gaze and the awkward eye contact = successfully averted.
Along with the irreplaceable distraction options, cell phones revolutionized human contact in one way: the text
message. The genius and disruptive monster that is texting, has completely taken over the way people in the developed world communicate, bringing with it unparalleled convenience and speed. But as anyone with any texting experience whatsoever knows, it also comes with a myriad of problems.
Decoding the intent and tone of text messages can be an impossible mission. It’s the beginning of the year and numbers are being exchanged faster than tech stocks. Feel like you should stop wasting every single night trying to decode his text messages and start doing your homework instead? Don’t sweat it my sweet Collegiettes™, Her Campus Emory is here to help. There are a few easily classifiable and easily avoidable texting types, and chances are you’ve already gotten one of these texts…
The naked “hey”
It’s Sunday morning and you had a rockin’ night last night. You had the perfect costume for the neon party, you
finally talked to the Zac Efron-look-alike from your econ class, AND you got his number #score. So you’re in the library doing your homework with your roommates (READ: recapping what happened last night) when your phone buzzes.
Shut up. It is dopple-Zac. After your casual freak-out, you open the message. It says, “hey.” That’s literally all it says. No punctuation, no, “hey, glad we got to hang out last night.” No emoticon, just “hey.”
So what does this mean? At the risk of being too harsh, the naked “hey” text almost always means one thing:
the sender (in this case McHottie Efron) is unbelievably boring. I am really sorry to be the one to break this news to you, but it turns out that dopple-Zac shares none of real Zac Efron’s smooth charm and quick wit. Chances are he would never agree to turn his life into a musical because there’s no way he could think of transforming a story into song-lyric form. I know this is a disappointment, but be glad you at least found this out so soon. Think about how painful a date could be with a naked “hey” sender.
The single letter substituter
You see this guy everywhere. Every time you walk to class you pass each other, every time you’re in line at Cox he is too, and you’ve both obviously noticed #awkward. Finally you see him out, you casually converse, and exchange numbers. Finally.
So the next night, you’re at dinner with your besties and he texts you. This is too good to be true. You open the
message: “Sad I didn’t c u 2day @ lunch.” Woah. It was to good to be true. “C u 2day?” Mom is that you? Grandma? Did I somehow mix up the contacts in my phone? Seriously, who texts like that?
Abrevs are really cool in real life, really really uncool via text message. (Abrevs such as “totes,” “forevz,” “perf,” etc. are absolutely still acceptable in texts.) Using one-letter substitutions for real words that are only three letters long is inexcusable. And @? Is it not harder for you to go into the symbols and find the @ sign than to type the two letters?
The issue with single-letter substituters is they are not an easily classified type. Maybe he doesn’t have a smart phone? Maybe he has a phone that isn’t even T9 capable, and therefore he really does save time by only using one-letter words. It is 2011, however, and this is unlikely.
Another, more common option: he’s a weirdo. Maybe he’s too busy playing Dungeons and Dragons to type out
the full words. I wish I could give you a more concrete classification, but think about all the people you know that text like that. Chances are the only messages you’ve received recently, or ever, with single letters and an excess of symbols are from people age 50 or over. I could be wrong about this guy. I mean I love my mom and my aunt and my grandpa and they are all single letter substituters… All I can say for sure is proceed with extreme caution.
The ;) over-user
You have “known” this kid for a while. But saying you know him is actually kind of a stretch. You guys have a bunch of mutual friends, but you can’t say you know much about him. A polite smile is always exchanged in passing, but nothing serious. But wait, you got his number this weekend #developments.
You guys have been texting for a couple days, and things are going well…except almost every single text he
sends includes a winky face. This is perplexing. Does he have some sort of eye twitch that comes out technologically? I don’t remember noticing that.
Don’t get me wrong. I understand the value of a properly placed emoticon. Like a well-placed “haha” or “lol,” they are essential to setting the tone of your text. But if all of your conversations lack specific details (like your name or how/where you guys met), and more than half of the messages contain a winky face (the most suggestive of emoticons) you may want to reconsider this relationship.
Chances are this guy is a serial-texter. You have to admit he’s got game. He charms you with every “Better see
you tonight ;).” But chances also are that he’s having this very same conversation with more than a few other unassuming girls.
My advice: play his game. If he invites you over at 3 am, don’t go. If he says “You’re killing me Sarah ;)” and your name isn’t Sarah, don’t be surprised. But do be liberal with your winky faces, knowing that it’s going to take more than a semi-colon-right-parenthesis combo to win you over.
You are now as equipped as you can be. So text away my Collegiettes™. And don’t blame me if things go wrong. I did the best I could.