With the rise of disability representation in the media and society, we are finally seeing non-normative bodies being celebrating and included. However, the disabled body is one that people seem to continuously a-sexualise and infantilise. Clearly then, we need to do more.
Recently, I found myself scrolling mindlessly on Instagram and came across a university society creating an event for students with disabilities. This sounded promising, so I clicked on the post to find out some more information. Lo and behold it was a day of colouring, sticking and Disney movies. While I will shamelessly admit I like the occasional Disney film, I am also a 21-year-old girl at university actually wanting to have fun. Like, drinking, going out fun…
This got me thinking, why is the disabled community continuously forced into these childlike categories of innocence, asexuality and worst of all Disney films?
One of the main reasons we fail to recognise that disabled people are still sexual people is the lack of sexual representation in media and film. We rarely, if ever, see disabled people engage in acts of sex on our television screens. Most sex-scenes on screen play out as a kiss and then straight down to business, which is unrealistic in general but especially for those with disabilities.
We have seen a small rise in the representation of deafness on our television screens. For example, Tasha Ghouri was the first ever deaf contestant that featured on Love Island followed by Tyrique Hyde, who was partially deaf. This felt like a step forward for disability awareness as we were finally seeing disabled people in a setting where relationships and sex were happening. Love Island’s popularity also helped to spread the important message that disabled people deserve a place in these programmes and the dating world in general.
Another recent and extremely refreshing scene also took place on the hit Netflix show Sex Education depicting how sex can still be sexy and passionate with a disabled person. The characters Maeve and Isaac (who is a wheelchair user) engage in an erotic scene where they touch each other intimately and she asks where is pleasurable for him. She undresses him as well as herself and they share a steamy moment. This is a perfect example of how communication and understanding if often all that is needed to make a relationship with a disabled individual work. However, one scene on a Netflix show is obviously not enough.
Another major factor that contributes to the desexualisation of the disabled body is pornography. Porn does not align with the consent, conversations and foreplay that are needed when engaging in sex with a disabled person and sex in general. A large majority of porn consumed by people is aggressive, non-consensual, and generally lacks any conversation about the other person’s body and what they may like or feel comfortable with. Unfortunately, young hetero men are especially tempted to copy what they see in the porn they watch, which leaves no room for consideration toward sex with a disabled partner. On the Sexuality and Disability website they explore how disabled women ‘may need to think about the times of day when pain or tiredness are less of a problem, put a waterproof cover on the bed in case her bladder leaks, or may simply need to ensure that she has the privacy she desires’. People forget about the realities and intimacy of sex as a result of their porn-warped-perceptions.
Besides porn, representations of sex also begin in the classroom. The teaching of sex-education in schools has long been void of topics on non-normative sex. It comes as no surprise then, that as a society we have dismissed disabled people’s desire for physical relationships. Moreover, if able-bodied people are not learning or exploring the ways in which they can engage in consensual and comfortable relationships with disabled people, they may avoid it all together. It is something we as a society desperately need to improve, from primary school into university.
Thankfully, there has been a rise in ‘Crip Theory’ and disability writing made available on university courses across the United Kingdom. One of my personal favourite writers that I have discovered while being at university is The Cyborg Jillian Weise who is a poet, novelist and disability activist. Her collection The Amputee’s Guide to Sex both rewrites and reimagines the so-called ‘asexual’ disabled body and gives the characters of her poems their different experiences of agency, discrimination, sexuality, abuse and more. This collection and many of her other works can be found on Amazon, and give refreshing takes on the topic of disability.
There is also a general belief that disabled adults share the same traits that children do; these being innocence and vulnerability. If we view disabled people in the same light as children, then of course we will refuse to view them as sexual beings. You can have sympathy for a person’s condition without belittling them and infantilising them. Disabled people are people, often with desires that all of us share. Therefore, you do not need to speak to disabled people in a weird, high pitched voice or pull sympathetic faces that scream ‘Oh bless your disabled heart!’. This actually does more harm than good, and can make people feel negatively about themselves.
To stop the infantilisation of disabled people we must also stop:
- The baby voice, shouting or speaking really slow. You would not talk to your normative friends, colleagues and strangers in this tone so why do it toward a disabled person? It makes people feel uncomfortable and belittled.
- Talking only to their carer/a person with them. Lots of disabled people are more than capable of engaging in a conversation with you, so at least try before assuming they cannot.
- Calling them cute, adorable or labels that we attach with non-sexual things. You may think it is nice, but more often than not it makes people feel like a child.
- Assuming they like only childish things and avoiding ‘adult’ conversations.
- If they are in a wheelchair or shorter than you, do not bend down as if you are speaking to a child. It is just awkward and unnecessary.
Ultimately, us disabled people are exactly that… PEOPLE. And being a person comes with experiencing feelings of love, lust and desire. Just because a person may not be physically and/or mentally abled, does not immediately mean they are asexual or childlike. We can and should all play a part in widening the representation of sex and relationships amongst the disabled community, and ensure that we do not infantilise the disabled people in our lives.