I spent the four months prior to my 20th Birthday in a state of absolute dread. I would flinch anytime someone asked me if I was excited to enter my 20s. I would refuse to think about what I would wear to my own costume party and I spent my free time browsing sad quote slideshows on TikTok set to Phoebe Bridgers’ ‘Waiting Room’. Despite hoping the day would never come, it did, and I was an absolute wreck on the night of my birthday celebration.
Looking back, I realise turning 20, to me, confirmed that I really was an adult. Before, I could feel safe in the knowledge that I was just a ‘teen’ at the end of my age, believing this signified to everyone that whilst I may legally be an adult, I was still on some sort of ‘trial run’. Speaking to people around me about the experience, it turned out most people attach negative connotations to entering their 20s, with many left crying in their ‘Great Gatsby’ costume or just left feeling bittersweet. So, if you keep checking the calendar consciously aware your days of teenage-hood are fading, you are definitely not alone, and not out of control. While you can’t change your date of birth, you can change the way you feel about it.
Identify why you feel this way
For many, fear of getting older is intrinsically linked to milestone anxiety, a panic that you haven’t yet achieved life’s substantial goals such as a long-term relationship, stable career, children etc. Viewing your life as a series of chores to ‘tick off a list’ frames ageing in a negative way. There is no set age to complete all your ‘firsts’, despite social expectations, and the reality of activities such as buying a house, all depend on context and your environment.
It may also be that you enjoy your current situation at university and student living so much, that you dread the day you have to give it up and enter the real world; we all know someone who opted into a ‘panic masters’ for this very reason. It is important to note for this, that feeling a sense of loss or confusion at the passage of time is perfectly normal, especially due to the years ‘lost’ to Covid-19.
Something I think lots of women also face are the negative connotations of physically ageing. As a woman, we are constantly reminded through airbrushed model images, and a constant stream of anti-ageing products, that beauty is youth, and youth is beauty. But is there anything more beautiful than the time and capacity to learn, gain new experiences, and live a thorough and full life? We also learn in things such as the ‘Forbes under 30’, that success at a young age is all the more impressive. But whether you wrote a bestselling book at 16, or you wrote a bestseller at 50, you still have that achievement as your own. There is no deadline or set timeline for success. Life milestones, your achievements and experiences do not lose any value if they happen ‘late’.
Find ways to manage and adapt
Identifying why you fear aging helps you take a step back a and look at things more clearly. Personally, I had this chronic fear of getting older, but simultaneously I understood that ageing and becoming more independent had greatly improved my quality of life. Everyday activities (like running around the city, meeting friends in my favourite cafes and researching my dissertation) I would have completely romanticised 5 years ago, and now I just take them for granted.
Minimising comparison is also so important, not only what we see online but also in our friendship circles. Your 20s is a time of complete chaos; you witness people having diverging trajectories compared to yours, and it can feel like friends are years ahead, and also years behind. This week, in the space of about 10 minutes, I had a discussion with a friend about their insecurity of never being in a relationship, and then wished my other friend congratulations on her 5-year anniversary. There will be periods of time where the lives of the friends you grew up with suddenly appear entirely different to yours and progressing at entirely different speeds. When scrolling through Instagram and witnessing these snapshots of other people’s lives, you have to remember that we only share highlights on social media, and the person behind the account may also feel insecurity very similar to yours.
It is one thing to consciously acknowledge that ageing is a blessing, and another to sub-consciously feel it. Take the time to talk to your friends if you feel anxious, find new hobbies, or listen to podcasts about these issues (‘The Psychology of Your 20s’ is my personal favourite). Changing your consumption of media can also make a difference; browsing the sad quote slideshows on TikTok, lamenting the end of childhood is great fun, until you realise mellowing in your feelings actually might not be too healthy!
The important thing to realise is that you are never alone in these feelings; every human being must pass through this decade, and remember, it is only one stage of life. There are so many great things, people, and places you haven’t seen yet. If it all becomes too much, go back to basics; have a snack, take a walk, and focus on the wind in the trees, sing and dance along to your favourite song. Look up and realise the universe is much bigger than these feelings.