The urban dictionary defines the enigmatic ‘wing woman’ as both “the friend who will stay by your side when you go out, in order to keep the ugly/creepy/scary guys at bay,” and additionally, a girlfriend who “helps with the introduction of the two paramours but retreats when both paramours accept each other’s company”. Why it was absolutely necessary to make this definition sound simultaneously like a business transaction and something out of Planet Earth, is unclear.
In basic terms, it’s both the best and worst role that a girlfriend could have, and one that very often gets bestowed upon the non-single friend. It’s your job to both understand precisely your friend’s interests; introduce them to the object of their desire; talk your friend up (subtly, mind you!); distract potential disruptions and then make a ‘graceful’ exit. All whilst knocking back the vodka shots. Easy, right? Wrong.
And the queen who every wingwoman should look to for inspiration- Beyoncé. So here is a (ridiculously hyped up) version of a night in the life of the mysterious wingwoman, told in Beyoncé lyrics:
1. “Don’t doubt yourself, Trust me, you need me” (Upgrade U, 2009)
It’s Friday night, you’re sitting around the table, discussing going out. Whether it’s at a pre drinks or whilst you’re getting ready, there’s a moment where one of your best friends looks you dead in the eye and says those magical six words: “You have to wingwoman me tonight.” The game is changed. Tonight- you have a job to do.
2. “Acting up, drink in my cup, I couldn’t care less what you think, I need no permission, did I mention, Don’t pay him any attention” (Single Ladies, 2008)
You’ve made it to the club. And for the first time ever, it’s packed. It is pretty much forgotten that you’re supposed to be wingwomaning. Feeling like J-Lo, you attempt the kind of moves you know you will hate yourself for the next day. Drinks are downed and the night seems to be going well. Suddenly your friend is serving up the side eye as the guy she was stalking on Facebook earlier miraculously appears- as they always do.
3. “Okay, okay, ladies, now let’s get in formation” (Formation, 2016)
Now comes the tricky part, the introduction. How do you just waltz up to someone and introduce both yourself and your friend? Most times, there will be some connection that you can play upon, but if there’s not… It doesn’t matter because you’re drunk and willing to talk to almost anyone. You open with an awkward and frankly embarrassing statement, but feel pretty chuffed when he and his friends actually want to talk to you.
4. “My persuasion can build a nation, endless power …. Who run the world? Girls!” (Run the World, Girls, 2011)
The business of extolling your friend’s virtues to each and every person in the club is unnecessary, most of the time. However, if you’re talking about her to the person she wants to hook up with, there’s no harm in telling them all about her amazing hockey skills and that she speaks fluent French and Italian- right? Girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do… your powers of persuasion are on fire!
5. “Na-na-na, diva is a female version of a hustla” (Diva, 2008)
Often, you might have to create a diversion. There can be many guys who just don’t get that you’re trying to set your friend up with their mate and so they just won’t quit trying to enter into their conversation. That’s where you come in, saying something incredibly witty to engage said friend and keep him distracted. Really, you are a queen- the boss- frankly. This conversation really isn’t enjoyable…
6. “I swore I’d never fall again, But this don’t even feel like falling, Gravity can’t forget, to pull me back to the ground again” (Halo, 2008)
You can see that things are going pretty well for your friend and that it may be time to retreat from the conversation. You try to extract yourself from the clutches of the annoying friend and gracefully make your exit. If you manage it, you feel incredible and saunter back to your group, expecting heaps of praise. Yet if you’re on the tipsy side, as most of us would be, you may end up realizing that your legs stopped working half an hour ago, whilst said friend was talking about his exam paper for the fourth time, and you’re waving around like a maniac or sliding onto the floor like you’re made of putty. Neither of which are a great look.
7. “I took a vow from now on, I’m gonna be my own best friend, Me, Myself and I” (Me, Myself and I, 2003)
It’s 4:00 am and you’ve finally made it back home- chicken nuggets in hand and wanting your bed. You feel great about what you’ve done for your friend, and if it didn’t work- slightly frustrated. She owes you one! But, in all honesty, this wingwomaning business is tiring, and next time- someone else has got to take over. Maybe Netflix, bed and a tub of Ben and Jerry’s would have been a better idea…
HCX congratulates every girl who’s ever been in this situation and hopes they keep slaying the wingwoman game!