Listen up, ladies. Have you noticed that the sun is setting sooner in the evening and the air is getting colder? You know what that means! It is time for apple picking, colorful leaves, pumpkin carving, drinking apple cider spiked with Captain Morgan, and most importantly, choosing a Halloween costume! Thinking back to your childhood, picking out Halloween costumes with your mom included finding the scariest, most detailed costume that would win the “best costume” title at school. Nowadays, somewhere between having your braces taken off and acquiring a high school diploma, the art of a good Halloween costume is lost. There are no longer any competitions for the most inventive or scariest outfit but rather, the competition is for the sluttiest and sexiest costume at the party. Halloween means wearing your slutty costume and hoping no one else looks as good as you do in it (because I guarantee you that fifteen other girls decided to be a slutty ____ as well). The worst part about Halloween in college is that everyone celebrates the holiday for an entire week straight. Halloween is no longer a one day event where you have to be done trick or treating by 9 pm. It is now known as Halloweek in college. So you’ll need five different costumes because you would not dare have an outfit repeat! For collegiate girls, finding the perfect Halloween costume is all about finding the costume that shows off the most amount of skin and requires the least amount of fabric. As we learned from Mean Girls, in the real world, Halloween is when kids dress up in costumes and beg for candy. In Girl World, Halloween is the one day a year when a girl can dress up like a total slut and no other girls can say anything else about it. Contrary to popular belief, wearing nothing but a hard hat, a belt, and yellow caution tape wrapped around your “no-no-region” does not constitute as a costume.
There is always a familiar parade of slutty costumes but there have been a few costumes that never seem to go away:
1. Some sort of slutty animal– Picture the hamster you had as a child. So cute and furry. Okay, now imagine that cute little hamster walking around in Victoria Secret lingerie. Sounds real sexy right?! NOPE. Again, picture a little bunny, cat, mouse, or kitten wearing a skin tight black leotard with a headband that has some type of ears glued on it. Does that scream super hot to you? To me it screams, I didn’t have enough time to come up with something good on my own so I glued this construction paper to my headband. YOU CAN DO BETTER!
2. Dirty school girl– I will admit that I have been guilty of doing the whole naughty school girl thing because I wore a uniform from 1st grade to 12th grade. Therefore, I had access to a lot of plaid kilts. But in all the years that I walked around the hallways at school, I never saw a lacy thong coming out from underneath some girl’s kilt or a tied up see-through shirt with a black and pink lacy, push- up bra underneath. All you need to do is add some pigtails and thick black glasses with some duct tape in the middle and you can film the “Baby One More Time” party two video. But really, do you think it’s normal that a guy finds you attractive when you are dressed like a prepubescent girl? Plaid is not actually a good look… for anyone.
3. Racy Cop or Sailor– FREEZE! You are under arrest for being too damn sexy! Sound familiar? No. Right, because no police officer said that. Ever. This is the most clichĂ© costume of them all. Ditch the handcuffs and scantily clad officer outfit and be a little more creative. Want to know the least sexy thing ever? A cop arresting you. As for the sailor, I don’t think that little blue and white number will protect you from the roaring seas out there. Something tells me that neither uniform follows proper regulations.
4. Hot Nurse– Ever walk around a hospital and see a nurse wearing a low cut cropped red and white dress with ribbon embellishments, a matching nurse cap, and fishnets? These sexy nurses walking around the hospital taking temperatures and measuring your blood sugar do not exist. And if they did, do you want that person operating on your boyfriend or worse… your dad? Hell nah!
5. Sexy Superhero– Wonder woman set the tone of slutty superhero costumes when she appeared in nothing but a headband, cape, and low cut bustier with minuscule sized underwear as her signature look. The creation of Wonder Woman was a monumental success for women everywhere because she was the first strong female icon in a male-dominated world and she represented exactly what her name denotes. So do her a favor and don’t shame her name by slutting her outfit up any more than it already is.
Enough is enough already. The slutty Indian, which by the way is not even politically correct, was SO two years ago. You really need to put some more effort into thinking of a better costume this year because I guarantee that there will be eighteen other girls at the party in a similar outfit as you. GET CREATIVE GIRLS! I’m not saying sexy costumes aren’t a fun way to escape from the norms of reality for a little while (I plan on being a beer wench for Halloween this year- so unoriginal as well- but hey, at least I will admit it). I’m just saying, the normal slutty, go-to costumes are getting a little boring and we need to start making some new clichés! It is perfectly fine to wear a sexy costume but it is not okay to wear something so sexy that it turns super slutty. In a guy’s mind, it just shows that you are easy and you are crying out for attention. So please, put some more clothes on before you catch pneumonia and don’t forget your dignity at the door.
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