8 Things You Shouldn’t Say to Someone Who is Adopted

November is National Adoption Awareness Month and as an adoptee I was very surprised that I was not aware of this. This initiative was started by the Children’s Bureau whose goal was to bring national awareness for the need of permanent families for children and youth in the U.S. foster care system. This is an important goal for me as someone who was adopted herself. While I was a part of the Chinese foster system instead of the U.S. foster system, I still find the topic of adoption awareness to be something important for others to become more educated on. Some people may find it to be an awkward topic but spreading awareness and becoming informed is the first step to destigmatizing the concept of adoption in society. This month is also a time to acknowledge the work of all those who work in the adoption process such as social workers, government workers, educators, counselors, caseworkers, ect. Part of becoming aware is recognizing the ongoing work needed to improve the foster care system and adoption laws and finding ways to best support children and families. 

Being an adoptee, there have been many times throughout my life where people have been ignorant or insensitive in the things they say. Therefore, in lieu of National Adoption Awareness Month, I would like to share 8 things that you shouldn’t say to someone who is adopted to bring awareness to you about the seemingly innocent things we might say.

1. “What really? But You Don’t Look Like You’re Adopted.”

While this has never been said to me, I do have many friends who have received comments like this one. Some have even been told that they must be lying about being adopted because they look so much like their parents. The intention of the comment is not meant to be insulting but making this kind of commentary is very ignorant. For starters, questioning if someone is telling the truth when they have told you something personal about their lives is rude. Secondly, this statement plays into the stereotypical idea that those who are adopted have to look different from their family. The world of adoptees and their families is diverse, and this is something others should become aware of.

2. “Are you adopted?”

There are personal things that you don’t go around asking people such as “What’s your salary?” or “How much do you weigh?” and asking someone if they are adopted is on that list. Of course, if the person chooses to share this information with you that’s a different story because they are choosing to share that with you, but asking yourself is inappropriate. Making assumptions that someone is adopted just because they may not look like their family members can leave you in an awkward situation and be seen as offensive. So, in general, avoid asking this question unless the person chooses to share with you.

3. “Oh, you’re adopted. I’m sorry”

Apologizing to someone after they tell you that they are adopted is definitely not the appropriate response. Those who are adopted may have a different experience, but they don’t need your sympathy/pity just because they told you that. Apologizing comes from society’s way of painting adoption to be a bad thing and a taboo subject. This is why National Adoption Awareness is so important to have. In fact, 1 in 4 people are touched by adoption in some way, so it makes no sense that the subject is painted in such a light. 

4. “Do you know who your *real* parents are?” 

This has to be my personal least favorite on this list, because not only is it a rude thing to say, but it also implies that their adoptive parent(s)/family is not “real”. The question itself is intruding on its own, but the word “real” always upset me because I felt like it was an invalidation and insult to my parents who I consider my one and only parents. People who ask this question really like to emphasize of the word “real”. Blood doesn’t make family. The people who care for you, raise you, and love you are your family. Let’s spread the notion this month that adoptive families are just as “real” and valid as any other family. 

5. “Do you know what your birth/real name is?”

This question goes along the lines of the other question. The word “real” invalidates the name that the person has and asking such a question is simply ignorant. This question is usually asked to those who look foreign because others assume that they should have a name from their country of origin. Again, assumptions like these only lead to awkward conversations. Let’s just avoid this question.

6. “Don’t you want to know who your birth mom is?”

This question would be classified as being insensitive as well as intruding. A person’s decision to seek out or not seek out birth family is something that is personal and private. This question stems highly from society and movies that have a tendency to base plots with adopted youth on finding their birth parents. Sorry to break it to you, but not every individual who is adopted has the sole life goal of doing so. The media should take National Adoption Awareness Month to educate themselves and make adoptees more than characters in their stereotypical troupe. 

7. “I wish I was adopted.”

This statement usually is said in a light-hearted joking way to adoptees in a means to relate to them. However, this kind of comment is very ignorant because even though adoption is something that needs to be destigmatized, it is not something that should be joked about. Half-heartedly saying such a comment belittles the lived experience of that person who is adopted. I know that comments like this one can slip over one’s head as being hurtful because the intentions are meant to be humorous, but jokes about adoption just aren’t funny.

8. “How much did you cost?”

I think it should be glaringly obvious why you should never ask such a thing to someone who was adopted, but I’ve been asked this question before so it had to be included. Remember, you are talking to a person, not a car. 

If you read this and found that some of these comments have been said to you, then don’t fret. Bring awareness to those who surround you and educate others when given the chance. Don’t be afraid to call out those who step over your boundaries. If you read this and found that you’ve said comments like these in the past, then don’t worry this is what this month is about: Becoming aware and growing so that you can better support the adoption community. I hope that this National Adoption Awareness Month and beyond people can continue to educate themselves properly on adoption. 

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