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This piece started simple and uninspired. I was mass applying for scholarships to fund my latest era – “Educated Yvonne”. I came across several essay questions, you know the handful of generic and vague prompts that you can find on almost any academic application – “Who Am I?”, “What is Unique About Me?”, “What Matters to Me?” The scholarship behind this piece was no different. This time it was – “Write about a time you overcame adversity”. I brainstormed for this essay while Kanye West’s latest antisemitic tirade was circulating on social media and I couldn’t help but wonder what happened to the beloved artist, Kanye West, circa his “College Dropout” album. While Kanye has steadily declined since that era, I seem to have blossomed since my college dropout. Thus, my topic was born – “How I overcame dropping out of college to come back 5 years later, a Dean’s List student and scholarship recipient”. As I was writing about the hardships a college dropout faces – money issues, low self-esteem, and depression, I learned through my own words. I realized how important this period was in my life and that it might be worth sharing with some other college students rather than just a group of application analysts who decide the worthiest recipients of their funds. So, without further ado, here are some college dropout revelations. |
“The journey of life is finding your way back to the person you were as a child”- some quote I remember reading on Twitter but cannot for the life of me find again. Try not to judge me for using a tweet as the basis for my revelation, however, I am but a shallow “Gen-Z” er who is entirely too engulfed in social media.
My 24 years of life have been wrought with the notion that human beings must always evolve forward, that we must continue to grow and improve, and that change is normal, inevitable, and in fact, encouraged. While this is, of course, true, I have always misinterpreted this logic. I assumed that growth was a linear progression, at most, consistently up and down. Never did I consider that true growth could come from turning a complete 180 back to the person I was at my purest form before all of life’s influences impacted the young woman I was becoming. I went back to my childhood.
Though I opened this piece with a tweet, please allow me to redeem myself with some real academia to articulate my point. In the philosophy, book Does the Center Hold? The 18th-century French philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau is discussed in the context of political philosophy; however, his ideas incorporate the development of children and morality. According to Rousseau, “men are born good but are corrupted by society” (Palmer 355). Rousseau hypothesizes that the proper way to raise a child would be away from society’s corrupting influence. “Such a child, left to her own devices, learns through trial and error, not theories, through facts, not words, through sensations and feelings, not abstractions” (Palmer 356). In other words, for a child to develop into their true self, they must be free from the effects of society. Unfortunately, unless you are raised by wolves, or subjected to growing up in a scientific experiment bubble akin to the film, The Truman Show, then you likely have no hope of escaping society’s influence. So, to directly address the prompt- a time I “overcame adversity”, the adversity was myself, the person I let society corrupt. I had to overcome myself.
I was a rather introverted child. I mean, I cried every single morning that my mom left me at kindergarten. I rejected almost every single playdate throughout elementary school. I was always the quiet one, the good student; the teacher’s pet that thrived in academia. I spent all my time reading, practicing violin, and riding horses. I preferred being alone. Over time, though, I began to scrutinize my core traits. I grew up in the era of reality TV like Jersey Shore and Keeping up with the Kardashians. Social media was blossoming, which included warped ideas on female beauty and life in general. These 21st-century inventions contributed to the perversion of my self-worth that I was developing through adolescence. When I had always just wanted to ride my horses and read my books in solace, I now began to dream of popularity. I began to value my social status, my makeup, and my clothes. The next party was the only thing I looked forward to during the week in high school.
Now, you can chalk this up to typical teenage angst and experimentation, and, surely, it was. However, it became an identity I reveled in more than I ever had as the bookworm horse girl. Now I was Yvonne- The Party-Girl, Yvonne- The Crazy Girl, Yvonne- The Rebel. I loved this identity. I basked in my infamy. I looked up to characters like Snooki and The Kardashians as goals. And, I know, it’s embarrassingly shallow. I idolized these characters and wanted to emulate their ridiculous antics. It looked like they were having so much fun and “living their best life”. It’s rather fascinating how 15-year-old me perceived them to be so happy, but now rewatching old episodes through my seasoned party-girl lens, all I see is trauma and brokenness. I can see these realities now after experiencing them for myself. I wanted to emulate those people and I surely got their results, good and bad.
After 10 years of hitting rock bottom after rock bottom, living a lifestyle I was not meant for, I finally followed a suggestion from a therapist. When she had asked me what I enjoyed doing for fun before I became Yvonne- The Party Girl, I remembered just how many actual hobbies and productive activities I thrived in.
It started with a library card. Simply taking out one novel and experiencing the pure freedom that engulfing oneself in a novel truly brings. Then I joined the local horse farm and began to connect with the animals that shaped my youth. Finally, I enrolled back in school after a five-year hiatus of debauchery.
All these activities made me feel good about myself. I felt smart and creative, and above all, proud. After a decade of torturing myself with booze, drugs, and drama, “going backward” to my youth saved me.
Merriam-Webster defines adversity as a state or instance of serious or continued difficulty or misfortune. It then goes on to provide context for the word with this statement- showing courage in the face of adversity. My fellow peers have had to tackle adversity outside of their control, whether it be health issues, family issues, financial issues, etc. I can’t help but feel pitiful (there is still some residual self-hatred left, I’m working on it) that I have been the architect of my adversity. However, overcoming myself has been my greatest achievement.