Take Two: Hook-Up Culture Q&A

 

Among my group of close friends here at Fordham, there is extensive conversation about hooking up. What it entails, how to deal with the aftermath, and the pros vs. cons. There is no question that the hook up culture exists here. All you need to do is venture to Tri-Bar on Friday or Saturday night to see it in action. And when I say in action, I truly mean it. I’m sure most of you would agree that there’s nothing worse than being rubbed up against by a couple of sweaty Rams making out when all you’re trying to do is dance with your friends. You make a face and move away as quickly as possible, probably amused by the situation.  But what are the greater implications of the hook-up in progress that you just witnessed? Maybe you don’t wonder this. Maybe you shrug it off as another #SoCollege moment. (Okay, you might not think in hashtags, but as an avid social media user, I’m guilty of doing just that. #SorryNotSorry) Anyway, odds are you do think about hooking up and what it means, and why it’s such a huge deal, and whether you would hook up with someone, and how people handle that situation and ahhhh so many questions! If so, you’re not crazy.  You are right to observe and question the behavior of your peers or even your friends. That’s part of the oh-so-mysterious “discovering yourself” you’re supposed to do in college.  From my own thoughts and conversations with others on the topic of hooking up, I’ve come up with a few of my own ideas about it.  Because the hook-up culture seems like such a difficult thing to navigate at times, I figured I would present this article in the form of a few clear, key questions and answers.  These are questions I’ve asked myself and others, and the answers are how I’ve made sense of things given my own opinion, experience, and the experiences of my peers.  

 

Well, if that isn’t the million dollar question.  The answer is not exactly crystal clear, as most of you probably know.  Hooking up can range from a 5-minute make-out session to sex.  It might seem unnecessary to make this distinction, but it’s important that if you choose to hook up with someone, you have to clearly communicate what you expect from the situation.  When alcohol is involved, which it is most of the time, this is critical.  

 

It’s a Friday night, you’ve had a stressful week, you do one too many shots, and as country stars Florida Georgia Line so gracefully put it, “that Fireball whisky whispers temptation in your ear.”  In more plain terms, you drink too much Fireball and all of the sudden “semi-attractive guy from freshman year philosophy” is looking a whole lot cuter.  Maybe you kiss him in Howl, maybe you go back to his room, maybe all you do is cuddle.  Regardless of what happens, the next day you’re the one who gets the double takes as you make the so-called “walk of shame” back to your own room.  You’re the target of a Fordham Makeouts comment along the lines of “she’s thirsty.”  On the other hand, philosophy guy probably doesn’t deal with that judgment; he might even get a pat on the back.  

   

A more concrete example: A few weeks ago, I was in the caf waiting for my food at the sandwich station.  Next to me was a table of guys. Frankly, I’m an eavesdropper, as evidenced by my monthly column #OverheardAtFordham, so I couldn’t help but listen in on their conversation.  One of the guys was talking about his friend from another school, a kicker on its football team.  He started off by saying (rather enviously) this friend has a lot of sex.  I was amused but had no reason to be offended until he spoke again: “Yeah, Friday night I get this Snapchat from him of some naked b*tch in his bed…” 

 

I’m sorry, what?  I didn’t hear the rest of the sentence, because the anger and shock I felt seemed to momentarily block out the noise.  Not to mention his friends were laughing so hard, I wouldn’t have been able to catch what he was saying anyway.  All I could think to do was glare—the nastiest of all glares—and so I did.  I watched as the laughter died down and the guys obviously tried to change the subject.  I made my way back to my table, no longer hungry, and told my best friend everything I had just heard.  All I could keep saying was “Why didn’t I say something?” Sure I gave a dirty look, but in my mind that was not and is not enough.  Some of the other important questions were why didn’t anyone question his teammate referring to a girl he doesn’t even know as “some naked bitch”?  How were people not horrified that his friend took a picture of a girl while she was naked and sent it to somebody? No one focused on the completely unfair and crude judgment of this girl; they were more concerned with this guy’s sex life.  Unfortunately, this is all too common.  I would like to be positive about the situation, but the truth of the matter is that many guys (and girls) will objectify a girl for her body and make her feel like that is her most important attribute, but they will shame her for the sexual choices she makes with it.  

 

Everyone’s answer will vary to this question, but I am inclined to say no, it is not harmless.  Before I explain, I want to offer a disclaimer. I do NOT think girls who choose to hook up are “sluts.” I try to refrain from using that word, because Tina Fey said it best in Mean Girls: “…you all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores. It just makes it okay for guys to call you sluts and whores.” Often people refer to a girl as a “slut” if she participates in the same promiscuous behavior that a male counterpart might, but the expression “man whore” is used far less often and doesn’t have the same repercussions. To me the expression is offensive, and I don’t think someone who drunkenly makes out with a guy should be demonized.  It’s not my job or anyone else’s to judge someone’s choices, but we can learn from them, which brings me to my take on hooking up.

 

What I’ve learned is that the hook-up culture is real and so are its consequences.  It’s not that girls who hook up on the weekends are ruining their chances of finding true love because they lose the meaning of what that is. I doubt if you were brave (or drunk) enough to interrupt an ongoing hook-up at Mugz, the girl would tell you she plans on taking this guy home to meet the family for Christmas.  However, that doesn’t mean there are no strings attached.  If hook-ups truly meant nothing, no one would be hurt by them.  Yet, how many times have you consoled a crying friend over one or felt stressed about it yourself?  I do believe that some people can treat a hook-up with no emotions, but in a majority of situations, the benefits of hooking up last for the moments its occurring, and that’s it.  The aftermath involves a lot of confusion, especially if it’s a regular thing.  I know a lot of girls who have felt “ashamed” for hooking up, and not because other people were telling them to be.  They realized that it was a substitute for what they really wanted: a relationship or even just positive interaction with a guy in general.  I think most college girls are not immune to the mistaken idea that having a boy’s attention will somehow validate them or prove that they’re desirable. So, when we go out every weekend with the goal of hooking up with someone (or anyone), it can take a toll on our self-esteem when it doesn’t happen.  Logically we might know that our self-worth doesn’t depend on something as weird as kissing a stranger in a seedy bar in the middle of the Bronx, but it can still feel that way sometimes. I don’t mean to speak for all girls here.  Like I’ve said, I’ve drawn from many people’s experiences and my own observations for this blog, but here’s the take away: Hooking up is a huge part of college culture, and although its normalcy might make it seem appealing, there are negative effects to be considered.  College is most definitely the time to explore yourself and interact with others, including the opposite sex, but everybody will do that differently.  So, if someone’s coming-of-age antics include hooking up, we hardly have the right to say that’s the wrong way of doing it, especially by using derogatory terms to shame them.  The odds are they’ll come to the conclusion on their own that hook-ups lack value when considered carefully.  When all is said and done, you, my fellow collegiette, are what’s valuable.  To believe that one night, one failed relationship, or one bad guy takes away from all the great things you have done and will do is to do yourself a great disservice.  So, keep your head up even when the craziness of college gets to you or you find yourself a victim of a culture that seems to tell you all the wrong things.  In the words of Eleanor Roosevelt (famously quoted by Mia Thermopolis in The Princess Diaries), “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”