Honestly, it’s not unusual for me to be asked questions like this. It doesn’t matter if I’m at a party talking to a stranger or having lunch with a best friend. People are curious about what is unfamiliar. Although I can’t speak for every lesbian, here are some answers to questions you may be wondering about:
1. Who is the boy in the relationship?
Ellen DeGeneres said it best: “Asking which one is the man in a same-sex relationship is like asking which chopstick is the fork.” Contrary to popular belief, a relationship doesn’t need a male-dominating figure to work. My girlfriend and I share lipstick and thigh high boots…and it’s awesome.
2.Wait, then why do some lesbians dress to appear masculine?
Gender norms are socially constructed. If you don’t believe me, consider how in other cultures it is favorable and “appropriate” for men to wear dresses or how what’s expected of men and women has changed over time. That being said, short hair, snapbacks and flannels are actually for everyone! (Crazy, right!) Just as straight people have their own taste in style and fashion, so do we. (Shocker!) This doesn’t necessarily make someone a male figure; it only reflects how they want to express themselves.
3. Is it a phase? Are you sure you just haven’t met the right guy yet?
Are you sure you just haven’t met the right girl yet? I mean, how do you even know you’re straight if you’ve never tried being with a girl? (And please don’t get me started on being asked to have a threesome.)
4. How do you have sex?
This seems to be the most popular question, and it’s difficult to answer because every couple is different. Like straight sex, lesbian partners have different preferences for what feels and works best for them. No matter how awkward I feel answering this question, it’s important for people to understand, be educated and ultimately, find all sexual activity as valid, no matter what gender your partner is. So the answer is: everything that doesn’t involve male penetration. Foreplay. (Women can have multiple orgasms, while men need longer recovery time.) And if you’re curious about the risqué topic of sex toys, do some googling. The bottom line, again, is that every couple is different, so it seems unfair to concretely define “lesbian sex.”
5. Do you ever wish you were straight?
When I see straight couples dancing at clubs and holding hands walking down the street without a second glance, I can’t deny that I often wish things were easier. Being attracted to men would mean that I would never have to explain myself or be stereotyped before people get to know me. While the LGBTQ community has made incredible strides in recent years, we still have a long way to go. I’ve still been bullied and judged in my life because of my sexuality and I know countless gay friends who are too afraid to come out for fear of what their religious parents or co-workers might think. Additionally, the coming out process continues with each new person you meet, which can be incredibly scary and stressful.
But the reality is, if I had a magic wand right now, I wouldn’t change my sexuality. My identity has allowed me to meet so many amazing people and work on behalf of organizations that are passionate about social change. I love who I am, I love who I love and I wouldn’t be me without this part of my identity.