Coming out can be one of the most liberating and terrifying things an LGBTQ+ person can do. It is not only a risk of judgment but also a risk of harassment, bullying and discrimination. When you decide to take the plunge, it’s not just one and done. Although I have been “out” since sophomore year of high school, I still find myself discussing my sexuality on multiple occasions with people in different social settings, whether it’s an actual discussing of being queer or just a casual mention of my girlfriend. While I am overall incredibly comfortable with discussing my sexuality at this point in my life, I sometimes get responses that throw me for a loop. Here are a few of those so that the next time someone plucks up the courage to come out to you, you won’t make it an even more uncomfortable situation.
1. I always knew!
I have a news flash for all of you straight people: you don’t have a gaydar. I know, it’s shocking, but you really don’t. You just have stereotypes. While you may think somebody is gay before they come out to you, our sexuality is not a trivia question that you seem to know the right answer to. And sure, maybe my unhealthy obsession with Kim Possible growing up may have given away clues, but this isn’t the time to undermine the moment. When somebody comes out to you, it is not a moment to spin the confession around to make it seem like it’s something that’s been talked about. Let them let you into this part of their life in their own way.
2. You don’t look/act gay?
I’m sorry, do you want me to shave the side of my head, wear seven layers of flannel, and blast Tegan and Sarah from my portable speaker? Unfortunately, when you get your certificate of gayness, it doesn’t come with an instruction manual. There is no way to “act” or “look” gay, no matter your sexuality or gender orientation, and saying that somebody doesn’t “look/act gay” not only undermines them and makes them feel offended and inauthentic, but it also makes it clear that you only see LGBTQ+ people through stereotypes.
3. Are you sure?
No, I’m just coming out to you and writing the word “queer” on my forehead only to wash it off in the shower after a few days like a temporary tattoo. If somebody is taking the time to come out to you, trust me, they have thought long and hard about this. While I completely support people exploring their sexuality and being unsure, completely coming out creates a label that is going to stick. So yes, we’re sure.
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4. Just don’t develop a crush on me.
Believe it or not, we’re not so deprived of sexual or romantic contact that we suddenly become predators that will pounce on the first prey we see. It’s not like straight people have a crush on every person of the opposite sex. This moment isn’t about you, and all you are doing is making the situation even more awkward than it already is. Don’t make it about you.
5. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?
Um, because I was dealing with my own internalized homophobia and thought that who I loved made me less of a person? I understand that a close friend/family member keeping secrets from you can make you feel like crap, but trust me, it is much worse to be put in such a vulnerable situation and the other person makes it all about them. There are hundreds of reasons why someone would wait to come out to you. It could be internalized prejudices, a tough family situation – maybe you even said something before that made them hesitate to tell you. Or maybe they just weren’t ready yet. And that excuse is as valid as anything.
6. Who cares?
Listen, that whole “I don’t care if you’re black, white, purple, blah blah blah” phrase is not a good response to anything. I understand that what you mean is that you aren’t going to judge us and maybe you wish this didn’t have to be a big deal and people shouldn’t have to come out. However, what it really sounds like is it doesn’t matter to you at all. Which, when someone drops this life-bomb on you, could feel like a total blow to the gut. Chances are if they’re coming out to you, they care. A lot. While it could be comforting knowing it doesn’t faze you about who we love, it also took a lot of courage to come out and say it. So yes, we care.
7. So how do you have sex?
If you’re so preoccupied with my sex life, then probably better than you.
So, what should you say when somebody comes out to you?
Just listen. If you’re like me, coming out isn’t a big deal anymore, but when somebody takes the time to sit you down and talk to you about their sexuality or gender orientation, it means a lot to them. Maybe you have questions – although, hopefully, none of the ones listed above – but now really isn’t the time to ask them. Now is the time to listen to what this person has to say and let them know they are important and valid. This is part of who we are and, yeah, maybe one day this won’t have to be such an important and uncomfortable process. But until then, it is and if you can make it any easier on your friend, it is always appreciated.